Here I am (again) 2 1/2 years later

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2003
Here I am (again) 2 1/2 years later
9
Sun, 04-10-2005 - 10:28am

I am a MW who just recently ended a 7 year A with a MM. I should say “ended again”. We have attempted to end it before – our longest period of NC was 3 months, 2 1/2 years ago. I have been married for 19 years – he has been married for 42 years. I became involved with him for what I thought was simply sexual satisfaction. After 7 years of lies, deception and self-destructive behaviour I certainly have learned that it is never really “just sex”.

I believe that my H already knows that I have been unfaithful (however,I do not think he knows the identity of my OM). He has chosen denial rather than risk confrontion and the possibility of losing our marriage because - believe it or not- we are overall very happy together. In so many ways we are extrodinary life partners both in business and in marriage. Unfortunately it is our sexual relationship that is lacking. I feel like I have become his platonic, “best pal” – more like a sister....UGH.

He has caught me in compromising situations with other men during the time period of my infidelity – i.e) semi-nude kissing, groping in hot tubs, dirty dancing – while highly intoxicated at best forgotten house parties at our home. Both my H and I are heavy social drinkers. I do not want to try and excuse my behavour but it feels almost like I am subconsciously acting out . I was sexually abused as a child ( I filed criminal charges against my abuser two years ago but the case was dismissed after going to trial – more than 30 years have passed and my memory of details is sketchy).

Yes, I have serious issues but I have managed to cope – admittedly somewhat dysfunctionally, for the 42 years of my life so far on this earth. I would like to start with individual therapy before tackling couples counseling. I feel like I need to try and understand my own demons before I can even attempt total openness with my H.

Today I find myself reflecting upon the circumstances that propelled me into my A. At the time I was working in my family's business in which I functioned as both OM's and my H's "boss". Well, H resented my control and was a marginal sales performer. My OM adored me and found me "irresistably" sexy (I am 23 years younger than him - I guess I kind of became his fountain of youth...) Also my OM was our company's top salesperson.

I hope I'm not boring you with details. It's a pretty typical story. My H avoided coming to the office, spent lots of time drinking with his buddies. I worked ridiculously long hours as our company was struggling financially at the time. Sex with my H became increasingly non-existant. He started having erectile problems. Later he was diagnosed with a prolactin imbalance due to a growth on his pituatary. I had to give him testoserone injections. The sex life never recovered. I became increasingly attracted to my OM at work. We agreed to meet at a hotel one night. The sex was incredible and has been ever since. It's amazing we never got caught that first year - we met anywhere and everywhere 4-5 times a week. By the end of the A we had it reduced to a more mangeable every 2nd week.

Three years ago my H and I left the family business and started another company (together). Ever since our personal relationship has steadily improved but the sexual problems have continued. I know there is no hope for us if I still have my OM available as my outlet. My OM agrees (he also wants to rebuild his M with his W) We mutually ended our A ten days ago. Neither of us want to reveal the A to our spouses. My H and I are friends with his W and their children and their families. All of my immediate family know their family. We live in a small community and work in the same industry. If it became public knowledge it would seriously impact all of our professional reputations.

This is our 2nd serious attempt to end it - our first attempt lasted 3 months in the fall of 2002. At that time I posted several times on this board. Is it possible for me to access what I wrote at that time? I feel it will help me in my process to review what happened last time – I don’t want to fail again in this attempt....

I love my husband. He is wonderfully supportive of me but we obviously have enormous obstacles to overcome vis a vis communication and intimacy. We have two children –daughter, age 12 and son age 15. Our financial, family and personal lives are inextricably inter-related. I have finally come to realize that I have been too afraid to ask for what I need from my H because I fear that it may be more than my he can give. As a result I have denied him the opportunity to stay in tune with me including all my warts and weaknesses. I want to start to rebuild my marriage by returning all of me to him – at least, as much as I am capable of returning at this point in time.

I would appreciate any advice from any of you in similar situations i.e recovering from undisclosed A's. How are you coping with the "withdrawal"? How have you approached marriage "rebuilding" with your spouse?

FP

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 04-10-2005 - 7:38pm
Your EMA was quite a long one, with a lot of intense time together. Not many here (that I know of) have gotten to meet so many times in a week. I would imagine that it would be quite a withdrawal..but you also have to figure out how much you want your marriage to work. It seems harder for me to relate to because your husband has caught you in several instances of 'acting out' behavior.. I would think that alone would have really made him angry and or less trusting. You have to really want this marriage for yourself and your family's sake--and start working on the therapy for yourself first. I'd suggest cutting down on the heavy social drinking too. That might not help matters--the drinking. I wish you luck and hope things turn out well for you both in the end.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 04-10-2005 - 11:14pm

Welcome (again). to the board.


Answering your question about prior posts, I suggest you use the advance search feature while in the archives section. Click on archives and then advanced search. Enter your profile name in the "message from" field and then search from "beginning of time" to present. There is also a little box to check for searches on your own name. It may take a combination of entries to finally get the search engine to display your history.


I did a search on your profile name and the response came back with 38 posts for you going back to July 2003.


As to the rest of your post, first, I agree that cutting back on the social drinking (and smoking) is important. Drinking clouds the mind and if you're intent on rebuilding your marriage, you'll need your head clear. I also recommend that you let your husband know that you are seriously interested in rebuilding your marriage and addressing those areas that aren't working well with the intent to have a better relationship with. Make it clear that as part of that process of change that you will not be drinking as you have in the past and hope that he will also cut back on the alcohol and work with you. I DO NOT suggest or advocate telling your husband anything about the affair. The affair is in the past and it's where you want it to be. Information about yourself and your needs that you've learned from the affair is going to be helpful to you as you clearly delineate your needs to your husband and your plan of self-improvement.


As you already know from first-hand experience, the lack of the OM in your life removes a significant part of the support system you've relied upon for 7 years to avoid the issues within your marriage and in particular your husband's impotence. I believe that your husband's drinking and low self-esteem contribute quite a bit to his lack of sexual performance. And I also believe it is his responsibility to address these two issues with individual counseling and straight-forward discussions with you. As you demonstrate your interest and concern at jointly addressing his physical dysfunction, he may respond positively. Or he may crawl further down the hole that he's walked into already. Remind him of the times your had together log before the affair when sex was working for both of you and be frank that you want your sexual needs to be resolved in the marital bed, not out somewhere else.


I don't think at this point that your husband is going to confront you about any suspicions he may have about your affair or other dalliances. And since you're cutting back on drinking, you won't be so inclined to dance close to the edge with someone else at one of your parties. Or at least I hope that you don't.


Have you thought of purchasing any sex toys while shopping with husband? Have you asked him if he's at all interested in that venue for pleasure? Perhaps he's been waiting for some commentary from you that makes it "OK" for him to talk about it.


There are several areas that will need to be worked on for you to have a firmer working marriage with your husband. And probably the most frank conversations you've ever had with him. Putting the issues out on the table and then addressing and resolving them takes courage. And a lot of work. I suggest that you approach husband from the perspective that you appreciate all the things he contributes and has contributed over the years you've been together and that you are bringing these issues to the table with the clear intent on improving life together, not ending it. Who knows? Perhaps husband has ideas on resolving the issues besides simple avoidance. Unless he is confronted he may just continue to slide and let things be. Insist on changes that include him.


As you were the last time, this time you will go through withdrawal symptoms from your affair. And you'll be very tempted to go back to the affair for support rather than face life alone with husband. Not an easy task. However, you have a clear choice here: either respect yourself, your family and your children and keep the affair in the past, or go back to the affair lifestyle with all the lying and hiding and related stress that goes with it. It is one thing to leave a marriage because the marriage has to end (as I and many others have done) and quite another to have your name all over town because your husband (or relative) or one of your children caught you in the affair and the divorce is happening as a convenient excuse to blame you for all the troubles to save face. You may find that your marriage really does have to end in order for you to have the ability to address your sexual needs without lying and cheating. At least by staying out of your affair and working with husband on the issues you will do so without a split loyalty. Only time will tell if you stay or go.


So what are you going to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2003
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 8:50am

I appreciate your response. I know how critical it is for me to build a "support team" at this time as I am finally now prepared to work on the problems in my marriage "without the safety net" - as noregrets so aptly put it. In many ways since my last attempt to end my A I have been increasingly distancing myself (emotionally) from my OM - this seemed to happen naturally as my relationship improved with my H after we left from our previous unhealthy work environment. Any yes - I KNOW that the drinking has been a serious enabler in my situation - by staying comfortably numb you can avoid dealing with lots of things in life....you can also justify just about any type of behavour when your judgement is clouded. Yah, I've got lots of work to do but I also feel happier and more content than I have in a long time.

FP

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2003
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 9:23am

WOW - I really feel like you "get" me. I have had enough of the "affair lifestyle" - I deserve and am prepared to work for a refreshing breeze of reality in my life. It is interesting but one of the exercises that I did in my journal this weekend was write a two page list of all of the qualities of my H that I admire and respect and - I am sad to say - have highly undervalued for the past seven years. It is amazing what tricks your mind can play on you when you focus on the negatives instead of the positives!

I also prepared a list of realistic personal goals including:
1) being present (fully) and engaged in my family life by focussing on positive qualities and expressing my appreciation and gratitude
2) recognizing and asserting my needs (diplomatically!)
3) setting up a personal support network including disclosure of the end of the A to my sister and asking her to hold me accountable & check in with me from timeto time, getting an individual counsellor, and posting to supportive Web sites.
4) Exploring my creativity and reflecting upon my personal thought processing through daily journal writing
5) Expanding the "personal" space within my marriage by restoring former freindships (female!) and re-connecting with former interest groups
6) Reduce my alcohol dependence
7) daily exercise
8) supporting and encouraging my H to improve his physical condition and reduce his alcohol dependence

Its a start - a BIG one (LOL) - I do tend to be an all or nothing kind of gal. This time I believe I am ready to "let go".

FP

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2003
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 6:37pm

YOU WROTE*********Answering your question about prior posts, I suggest you use the advance search feature while in the archives section. Click on archives and then advanced search. Enter your profile name in the "message from" field and then search from "beginning of time" to present. There is also a little box to check for searches on your own name. It may take a combination of entries to finally get the search engine to display your history.************

I can't find any advance search function???? or "message from" field..... Perhaps it is only available in the pay per month "plus" package.

FP

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 7:12pm

I'm not sure what package the search features I've described are found in. As I am typing this reply, in the box that has big letters "Ending an Affair Support" is a line that shows "find messages about________

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2003
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 9:24am

Re: Asking for HELP! This has definitely not been one of my strengths in the past but I have finally come to realize how critical it will be for me. I haven't done such a fine job of dealing with the issues in my marriage on my own (up until NOW....) My A to me now seems to have been the ultimate, ridiculous attempt at conflict avoidance.

I am meeting with my sister tonight. She is a social worker and has many contacts in the psychotherapy world. I am a little reluctant to put myself "out there" as I have some very definite prejudices about the effectiveness of some of these so-called "professionals".

Perhaps you (or any others who have experienced or are experiencing successful IT) can suggest what I should be looking for in a T and/or what type of questions I should ask as I decide who to work with?

Also, noregretsever, can you perhaps suggest some ways that I can begin the dialogue with my H regarding the following recommendation that you made to me in your recent post:

__________________________________________________________________________________________
I also recommend that you let your husband know that you are seriously interested in rebuilding your marriage and addressing those areas that aren't working well with the intent to have a better relationship with.
__________________________________________________________________________________________

I want to be so careful. I feel like I am walking such a tightrope. I know I have an "elephant to eat"....you know what I mean....one little bite at a time!

I am coping with the withdrawal - much better, this time actually. The flashbacks to my A
have been primarily sexual in nature. I know these will fade as my H and I improve our sexual relationship. I am reading "the Sex-Starved Mariage" by Michele Weiner Davis which I am finding tremendously helpful. I am thinking that a good first step with my H would be to ask him to read it as well - perhaps even together. It just seems that I really have to cautiously pick my moments with him. You are right. His self esteem regarding his sex drive is exceptionally low.

Last night I started "groping him" in bed and he told me it felt like I was molesting him. Bad move on my part but LOL at least, I know my desire for him is returning! However, I was plagued all night with highly sensual dreams (some of them featuring OM) and woke up feeling slightly depressed. Do I have the stamina and courage to hang in there with my H and some day feel fulfilled?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2003
Wed, 04-27-2005 - 5:54pm

I am bumping up this thread hoping to get some advice about therapy. I am so reluctant to ask for professional support as I have heard about so many people who "got stuck" and re-hashed so much of their past that they didn't know what was really still impacting their behavior. I had an experience of sexual abuse as a child and while I know it has likely effected my character - but it is not an excuse for my choices. I want to look forward - not backward. Please allow me to repeat my previous questions to re-introduce them to the Board.

******************************************************************************************

Perhaps you (or any others who have experienced or are experiencing successful IT) can suggest what I should be looking for in a T and/or what type of questions I should ask as I decide who to work with?

Also, noregretsever, can you perhaps suggest some ways that I can begin the dialogue with my H regarding the following recommendation that you made to me in your recent post:

__________________________________________________________________________________________
I also recommend that you let your husband know that you are seriously interested in rebuilding your marriage and addressing those areas that aren't working well with the intent to have a better relationship with.
__________________________________________________________________________________________

Thanks all,
ARTIST

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 04-28-2005 - 2:35pm

Dear FA,


I've been thinking about your questions for a while now.


First the one about choosing a therapist. You mentioned a sister in the industry. I'd ask her for a referral and why she is referring that specific person. Do you know anyone else that is struggling with similar issues in their marriage? Are you that close to any of your friends that you could ask them if they know of a good counselor? You don't need to disclose your affair, simply that you are looking for ways to improve the quality of your marriage. Isn't that what is one of the roots of your dilemma that precipitated the affair? So face it directly.


Feeling like walking a tightrope? Why? Be so careful? Why? Who is going to grade you on how you do? You answer only to yourself and perhaps your husband and vice versa for him. The two of you made your marriage the way it is today. I repeat: the TWO of you made your marriage the way it is today. The TWO of you have things to face, together. Face to face talking. It doesn't seem like he's taking the initiative. Most men, myself included, don't. We just want our wives happy. They'll tell us what they want, we will try to do it, they'll be happy and life goes on......


My first post was direct. For a reason. It takes direct talk to get another's attention. You've already taken the drastic step of having an affair and finding out that the affair didn't solve the problem. So leave the affair in the past. As in, do not disclose the affair. It's over. You're sad it occurred. You are willing to learn from the experience to rebuild your marriage. Or leave. Your husband's responses will be a good indicator of which way you need to lean for your own emotional well-being.


For reading, I have two suggestions: "The Good Marriage: How & Why Love Lasts by Judith S. Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee


and


"He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys"by Greg Behrendt


Although the second book is slanted towards single women, I believe it has many valid points for married women to hold their husbands accountable for their actions. And also to use as a mirror for their own interactions with their husbands.


From your posts it seems to me that direct conversations with your husband are long overdue. Correct me if I'm wrong or off course.


He felt like he was being groped? Perhaps you were. Perhaps you are sex starved enough to be more forward than usual. Caress him some more. Take his hands and put them where you need them. Get on top. Swallow. Get his interest. He can't be that brain dead in either brain, can he?