Here I am ,crawling back to you all...(m

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Here I am ,crawling back to you all...(m
11
Mon, 05-12-2003 - 12:51am
Yes.... crawling.I can hear the "told you so"s. Yes, we started it up again. Only a weekago. And guess what???????? I haven't heard from him now for 4 days. He wrote me a short email that he will be so busy that he can't have no distractions. What is he?? A f***ing brain surgeon????? I distract him??? With what??? It's not like we are together 24/7. I haven't even seen him since we were supposedly "on" again. Yes.... I deserve all the bull crap from him. I am here to take it from him ,no matter what. I have written 4 emails to him and still no answer. His reason will be that something is wrong with his hotmail. Like before a million times. He is a f****ing computer repairman for godsakes. Everybody gets my email but the repairman doesn't. OH....... I deserve this. I was begging for it. Now I am back to square 1. I wish I could just wipe this a-hole out of my life. I just can't believe it... I am sitting her and waiting for the a-hole to come on the chat or get an email or anyting. When will I be smart enough to say: Have some pride woman!!! Oh , I am back to crying and hurting all over again. I wish I could die. Please you all, DO NOT got back. Nothing will ever change. Take it from me. I went back to him 99 times. Help me somebody! I am drowning............ Blue.

Pages

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-12-2003 - 1:08am
Blue, Blue, Blue. You know what you're doing, Baby. And you know it's not right, right? Just get away from him. You've done it before girl, I know you can do it again. You're much too good for this creep. You deserve better, Blue. Please don't get tangled up in this again. Get out of the water. Here's my hand. I'm pulling you out. Take my hand. NOW!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-12-2003 - 1:37am
THY.. HOn, I am just so upset. Not at him only... at myself more so. I thought that everything will be different for the 99th time. Now he is not even answering my emails. He is too" busy". I wrote him an email everyday for the last 4 days. NOT today though. No answer. And the lieing sucker is trying to tell me that he hasn't had sex for over a year since he had it with me. What a liar. He also said that he forgot all about sex, since he hasn't had it sooooo long. What a liar. I am sorry , I am just venting. Thy for listening. Yes I do need your hand. Help me......... pull me out of this... even though it will take a damn forklift that might be strong enough to yank me out. Love Blue.

PS. by the way... how are you doing???????????? Anything new with your XMM?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-12-2003 - 1:41am
First of all you aren't going to get any "I TOLD YOU SO'S" from me! 2ND YOU aren't drowning! It only feels that way! Do you have any idea how many times I felt the exact same way? 99 or ? Couldn't tell you for sure! I can tell you that the sooner you jump off this roller coaster once and for all the sooner you'll be able to put your life back together. It doesn't happen quickly and it's hard too. It's the only choice you have that will set you free in the end though. Do you want to be free of the pain? Do you want to stop sitting in front of the computer waiting for a few words? Or do you want to go outside and smell fresh air, watch the sun set, hear the birds sing............ You and only YOU have all the power to make these choices. So, what's stopping you? A few moments stolen? Or 24 hours a day wasted on a pipe dream? What are YOU GOING TO DO? Please don't waste any more of your life on him. START LIVING YOUR LIFE RIGHT NOW!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-12-2003 - 2:35am
Thy Sweet! What pisses me off the most is: I was doing n/c for 7 weeks. 7 friggin' weeks. Then he emails me that he is been foolishly waiting and waiting for my email and it's not coming. He was waiting for me on the chat but when he did see me on it I wouldn't click on him. Well, I didn't have him listed anymore so I didn't know when he was on and I didn't care. Now, that he wrote that I thought that he does love me! What a fool!!!!! Love me???? my a**. He never loved anybody in his life. He has been married more times than he is got fingers or toes to count them on. What an idiot. I hate him then I love him. Back and forth. I wish it could end, somehow. Hugs to you. B.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-12-2003 - 7:13am
Blue,

I want to reach through this screen and hug you... I'm glad you came back here - not glad you are hurting, but glad that you at least came here and didn't hide...

You will get through this - I promise... you reached out for help and that means you want to heal. Do NOT email him again, do not call, and don't wait to hear from him. He's made it way too clear what a priority you are in his life - not at all! You deserve to be treated with love and respect, not like an afterthought... You waited a few days - you are stronger than you think - you didn't drag this out for weeks and months, right? That is hard to do, but you did it.

And even through all of this, thank you for reminding us that it never changes... Sometimes it's tempting to wonder if it would be better this time - but we all know it won't be... I'm just so sorry you had to go through this much pain to get that reminder...

Glinda

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 05-12-2003 - 7:27am
blue..i mailed you...not sure if i have your current address, so if you don't get something from me, let me know... tasia1962@hotmail.com
Avatar for stre2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-12-2003 - 11:52am
Hey Blue... sometimes, we think that life just totally sucks...........................



BUT, it's only in our own perception because we're allowing ourselves to live in a NOT real world. Once we face reality, we realize that life IS what we make of it and living with internal peace and a conscious that takes care of OURSELVES first is a great place to be.

Personally, I'm glad you're crawling back because all of us together WILL get you to a better place because we've given the MM/OM in our lives more then 99 chances and finally, we've learned from experience that these relationships will never change no matter how hard we try. These men (or wimps) are not worth our sanity!

If you haven't done so already, I suggest you change your screen name so you'll never have to think or wonder IF he's replied or not... because even if he does, the process and actions of the past will only repeat themselves... don't torture yourself with that... he's NOT worth it!

The worst part about these relationships is that we take every little crumb from them and build Mt. Everest out of them because we want to give them the benefit of doubt... we want to believe that they will/have changed... The bottom line is that they NEVER WILL CHANGE!

Now, you need to work on YOU... getting angry is good, tears are cleansing as long as you don't allow yourself to dwell on the past because doing so will not allow you to move forward.

As far as he's concerned, you should do an internet vanishing act! You're worth 200% more then what you've allowed yourself to accept! It's time to START LIVING YOUR LIFE!!! And we're all here to make sure that it will be a much happier one then you've allowed yourself to have thus far :)

Stay strong, stay determined..... I know you CAN do it and this time, it will last forever because YOU *ARE* worth so much more!!!!

Sherry

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Mon, 05-12-2003 - 4:09pm
Hey Blue... first off, (((Hugs))) to you, I can SO relate to that hopelessness you're feeling, I think all of us on this board can, (whether or not we act on it),when we have tricked ourselves into thinking that we can go back to the "fairytale" we live in the midst of an affair. Reality really does bite! (CHOMP) And its very painful, but its also a part of the healing process.

I doubt you'll hear any "I told You so's" here, more like "Oh YA< been there, done that, here's what I learned..." I probably haven't been out of my own A long enough to tell you that, (5 weeks N/C for me) but I still ponder the "what if" everyday and when I read posts like yours, it only knocks me back into reality of how detrimental it would be to my healing. (For what it's worth, (((thankyou))) for that.) What I have learned though, is that the reason I got into the A in the first place had nothing to do with the actual OM or my H , it was because of something in me. I was reaching out for fulfillment that no man can actually ever give me. I have to fix those hurts within me, and see my own self-worth and that is when the real healing begins. Whenever I feel like I need to contact OM, I write in a journal... I know it sounds silly, but it really does work! You can express all the anger without causing further injury to yourself or OM. You can call him every name in the book, you can tell him what a jerk he is and why, then you can turn a 360 and tell him all the reasons why you love him and what you miss about him. What can be discovered through that process is amazing! You get to express all your anger, hurt, frustration, etc, and then as days go by, you can start to look back on those entries and see the broken heart beginning to mend. Posting your feelings here helps too, and the fact you're doing that shows you are ready to mend what's hurting. See, you are already on the right track!! ;) ~Mel

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Mon, 05-12-2003 - 9:48pm
Blue...pls stop beating yourself up about this! You realize how pointless it is to try to have a relationship with this man, know you just have to figure out how to keep that knowledge very close to your head and heart at all moments. You need to stop emailing him and hanging out in chats looking for him. If you could ever get to the point of only wanting him for casual sex, he could probably offer u that, but that's it! I went back hoping for the how devoted relationship at least 15 times! Always the same. Even when they are single, the way we have put up with all their crap for so long means that they will NEVER respect us, or want to take us home to the family. There is nothing good to come outta this. NOTHING! I don't remember if you have tried paxil or counseling, but I recommend that you consider one or both. HOpefully both. You have been stuck in this hurting way too long. No matter what promises he makes, you know it is BS and the fact that you keep returning is an illness....don't beat yourself up about it, get professional help.

Hug hugs, RT
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-12-2003 - 10:20pm
Thy RT. casual sex??????? lol, not even that.... he doesn't want to anymore since he , (we)got cought about a yearago. Him and I were kissing outside at my job and my H jumped out of the bushes. So ,my H was following me or whatever. So that was that. Now he only wants to chat and email , whenever convenient for him, that is . I haven't heard from him for 5 days now. And we were supposed to be "on". Now I don't really give a cats a**. The problem is I hate him while I am mad as hell at him , then it wears off after 5 or 6 six weeks then I start missing him. Don't ask me what I am missing about him , since there is no email from him, he is afraid or too busy to have sex, meaning he doesn't want to see me, only chat once in awhile and usually it is always about him. Right now I hate him. OH I wish I could just tell him off and tell him how no good sob he is. Yes , I do need conseling or whatever. Thy RT for listening. How are YOU doing????????? Love Blue.

Pages