Here's the best gift I can give him
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Here's the best gift I can give him
| Wed, 09-15-2004 - 2:56am |
After flip-flopping over and over again about what I really want from the other man in my life over the past few days I finally figured it out. And thanks for helping me get there, everyone here on this board.
I have had trouble getting even a 5 minute face-to-face with him for about 10 months now. Too much to explain here, but suspicious/jealous wife, busy work schedule (I oughta know...we work at the same place; I arranged for the job for him). But basically, as he puts it, his life is under a microscope, he has no control over his life anymore, and he's frustrated, but that's the way it is. I've felt sorry for him, gotten angry with him, tried to break off all contact completely with him (pretty dismally), and have tried to keep our friendship alive without the physical relationship, but I keep getting frustrated and disappointed by his inability to even hang out once in a while. And then I try to talk with him, can't even do that, and I get more frustrated, the pressure builds, and well....here I am today. I love this man, I can't help it. But my anxiety is eating me alive. So I wrote him a letter. I've arranged for his kids to come play with my kids, and he knows I want to speak with him when he comes to pick them up.
Here's an excerpt:
"A few weeks ago, maybe a few months ago now, you asked me a question that I wasn't able to answer at the time. I've had some time to think about it, and the answer is so simple - in theory - but so complicated in practice, that I'm not sure its possible. You asked
me what I wanted from you. The answer is the friendship that I had with you a few years ago. But I don't think that's possible. I know your life is a virtual mine field right now, and I hate being part of that by pressuring you to spend time with me. I know I've had a large part in complicating your life, I know you don't feel in control of your life, and I know you're doing what you have to do to preserve yourself right now. It seems to me that the nicest thing I can do for you, to show you how much I really care for you, is to have absolutely no expectations of you, and not put any pressure on you. It means giving up."
That's only part of it....I also thanked him for his friendship (because we were best friends for a year prior to taking it to the next stage) and also explained what 'giving up' meant...meaning NC outside of regular work stuff, since people would think it was weird if he and I avoided each other. It's the only way I can think to preserve my sanity, yet end it in a way so that I'm taking the higher road, achieving the closest thing possible to NC, and well...it's the best I could do.
I have had trouble getting even a 5 minute face-to-face with him for about 10 months now. Too much to explain here, but suspicious/jealous wife, busy work schedule (I oughta know...we work at the same place; I arranged for the job for him). But basically, as he puts it, his life is under a microscope, he has no control over his life anymore, and he's frustrated, but that's the way it is. I've felt sorry for him, gotten angry with him, tried to break off all contact completely with him (pretty dismally), and have tried to keep our friendship alive without the physical relationship, but I keep getting frustrated and disappointed by his inability to even hang out once in a while. And then I try to talk with him, can't even do that, and I get more frustrated, the pressure builds, and well....here I am today. I love this man, I can't help it. But my anxiety is eating me alive. So I wrote him a letter. I've arranged for his kids to come play with my kids, and he knows I want to speak with him when he comes to pick them up.
Here's an excerpt:
"A few weeks ago, maybe a few months ago now, you asked me a question that I wasn't able to answer at the time. I've had some time to think about it, and the answer is so simple - in theory - but so complicated in practice, that I'm not sure its possible. You asked
me what I wanted from you. The answer is the friendship that I had with you a few years ago. But I don't think that's possible. I know your life is a virtual mine field right now, and I hate being part of that by pressuring you to spend time with me. I know I've had a large part in complicating your life, I know you don't feel in control of your life, and I know you're doing what you have to do to preserve yourself right now. It seems to me that the nicest thing I can do for you, to show you how much I really care for you, is to have absolutely no expectations of you, and not put any pressure on you. It means giving up."
That's only part of it....I also thanked him for his friendship (because we were best friends for a year prior to taking it to the next stage) and also explained what 'giving up' meant...meaning NC outside of regular work stuff, since people would think it was weird if he and I avoided each other. It's the only way I can think to preserve my sanity, yet end it in a way so that I'm taking the higher road, achieving the closest thing possible to NC, and well...it's the best I could do.

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Let us know how it goes.
Hugs, Lily
NC is the best gift you can possibly give YOURSELF. Even if it's a matter of ensuring that work-related contact remains exactly that, the sentiment remains the same.
He's jumping through hoops of fire in order to preserve his marriage. From your posts, you, too, would be leaping through the same hoops in order to save your own marriage.
I love something that was posted on All Sides recently describing perfectly an EMA. "Something unhealthy in me was attracted to something unhealthy in someone else." So focus instead on your healthy relationship.
What helped me get back to appreciating DH was *truly* looking at the 100 little things he does for me each day that show me he loves me - from making my morning cup of tea exactly how I like it; picking up my favourite magazine; offering to do the grocery shopping on his way home from work; giving the Mommie-me a much loved lie-in at the weekends which also means that he & DD have a tradition of having their special time together weekend mornings; all the way to folding the sheets that were in the drier or pairing up his socks and putting them away without the need to make a song & dance about the fact that he's done so...
The "just-friends" thing, eh? How many of your friends enable or encourage you to lie, be deceitful, or to betray the trust of someone who loves you? What kind of friend have you been in order to enable/encourage these attributes in him?
We're here for you, DTL.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
I relate so much to your post. My MM also pretty much lives under the microscope at home. He works from home and his W is a SAHM. Pretty much every minute of his day is accounted for with her, she keeps a close tab on him even when he is out of town for the day. He from the beginning struggled with the moral issues of cheating on his W. At the time it was easier for me since my H and were seperated at the time and he lived in another state. Even thought he initially brought up the idea of us getting physical, he was also the first one to try and stop it before it actually happened, but I pursued that part of our relationship.
I finally stopped asking to see him outside of public places when I realized that he just couldn't handle the guilt he felt. I knew that if I truly cared for him as a friend that I needed to let him go. He really wants his marriage to work and I needed to let him work on that with the distraction of our "friendship". Its been very hard for me, mainly because I don't want my marriage to work. I mainly stick to the NC because its whats best for him. I truly want to see him, talk to him, be with him. Its like on another post, I need to escape the harsh reality of my life.
I'm getting off topic now I suppose. But, I cut myself off so much from the world several years ago. It was the only way I could cope with my marriage. I stopped feeling pretty much anything, anger, resentment, happiness, etc...I gained tons of weight and let myself go. When I made that major step not to follow my H to his new job my life changed. I lost weight, bought new clothes, felt happy again, felt alive for the first time. Then entered MM, it was great...I felt passion, can't remember the last time I felt passion. Of course, with that came the hurt and the anguish. I had so much trouble at first when he wanted to cool things off for a bit, and I think alot of it had to do with I haven't dealt with any emotions in so long I forgot how to cope with them in a healthy way.
I could go on and on, but I best stop here. JB
I know there's a lot of people here that would tell me I don't owe him anything and that I should just cut it off and don't look back, but after what he's done for me, I can't do that. And I'm not just doing it for him (although he can think that if he wants to). I certainly am doing this to preserve my own sanity as well. I've become obsessive and distracted, frustrated and pissed off, and that's not who I want to be. So I too am trying to find a way to cope with my emotions in a healthier way...and this is a huge step in that direction.
You were right in your other post about all of us being in such similar situations although quite different as well and we can learn from each other when no one else can know. What you said in that other post really hit home with me too about no one understanding the intensity of the connection/emotion that takes you away from a seemingly happpy marriage into something that the whole world despises unless they've been there. That is exactly what I hadn't been able to verbalize the last several months.
Good luck!
Iris
I know I'm just mindfu*king myself, but the chances of what I dread coming true are so high, that I think I'm already full of doom and gloom.
He knows I want to talk to him. He knows I have a letter that I intend to read to him, because I have so little time with him that I need to be prepared to say exactly what I need to say and get it out as efficiently as possible.
He suggested that I invite his kids over to play, and then we can talk when he comes to pick them up. So they're here, tearing the house apart, and I'm full of dread. It's not over his reaction to the letter. I don't care about his reaction. I need to say what I'm going to say, and that's that.
What I dread is the doorbell ringing, and it's his wife instead, or the 2 of them together. I know, he's not in control of his own life, she calls all the shots right now, and it's highly likely that it WILL be her instead of him. It's just that this whole thing is set up just so I can finish a ten minute conversation I began with him back in January, and each time I try to speak with him we either get interrupted by his wife calling on the cell phone 2 minutes into it, or his kids come running into the room and won't leave us alone, or he can't even show up in the first place.
If he isn't able to sit down and talk with me for 10 minutes this evening, then who knows when I'll be able to talk to him again? It will just make me furious that he's so inaccessible to me that I can't even take 5 minutes of his time to break up. Isn't that screwed up?
I need some kind of mantra to chant. I need xanax. I just need 10 flippin minutes.
Well.....at least I tried.
He showed up, alone, and although the kids kept running through the room and tattling on each other every 5 minutes, we spent about half an hour together, talking.
I had the letter. I read some of it out loud - most of it I had memorized, so I just said it to him straight out.
He listened, and expressed to me how much he misses and desires having back the fulfilling friendship that we once had. Listened to me say how I felt we could never go back to the way it was, and that I didn't want to be part of what is complicating his life and making him miserable. He listened to my offer of giving up on him - as much to save my own sanity as to save him the pressure of my demanding time from him that he doesn't have to give.
He didn't really accept it, though. It sounds like he just doesn't want me to have any expectations from him at all, and that way, when the heavens part and miraculously we can spend half an hour or so together hanging out, we should just both thank our lucky stars and take what we can get. And we're not even talking about sex here, really, just the opportunity to hang out and have a beer for 10 minutes is miraculous. He definitely doesn't want me to give up - although I told him that I will NOT try to make arrangements anymore. If he wants to hang out, be my friend, have a physical relationship - whatever, that he will HAVE to be the aggressor, because I can't deal with the disappointment and frustration anymore. I also pointed out that I'm well aware that the ONLY times we have ever gotten together in the past 9 months are those times when I did 100% of the asking, arranging and waiting around,so by leaving it up to him.....well....I'm certainly not holding my breath.
So, while he didn't accept my offer to officially not have an A any longer, it sounds like we're only going to be having an A in our own heads, alone, in separate rooms.
I said, "Well, we're certainly not getting a lot resolved here, although I feel like we've finally finished the conversation we started last January. And what it sounds like we're going to be doing (for possibly the rest of our lives) is to admire each other from afar."
And that's sort of where it ended, when the kids started fighting in the next room. I got a hug though.
<<<<>>>
During the last year of my affair I was feeling the same frustrations that you are dealing with now. I also came to that point that I was done making the plans, the arrangements, being the aggressor because I JUST needed to find out if I was important enough to him that HE would take some initiative. Well, that worked for about five minutes :) He even admitted that he is a passive person, and that being aggressive isn't part of his nature. BULL SH*T. When he wanted it sweetie, he couldn't keep his hands off of me, BUT of course, it was usually at the MOST inconvenient time for me. But you see, that's what is comes down to in these relationships. WE are the ones who have to be "Johnny on the spot", because their time is so limited. There lives ARE monitored, planned, dictated and so forth. THEY'RE MARRIED for G*d sakes.
OK, back to the HUGS. Sorry I got off on a tangent. I just hurt for you because I know how difficult it is to let someone go when you love them so much. BUT, setting them free is the BEST gift you CAN give them, even though they don't see it that way. Do you want to be the evil wicked OW when his wife figures it all out? Aren't you married too?
Ah yes....Affairs of the heart....Taking this literally it really means, PAINS of the heart. What we do to ourselves. We must all really enjoy destroying ourselves because that is what we are giving ourselves permission to do. When you have had enough of this self-inflicted agony, when you down to your last ounce of common sense, when you are on your knees with this burden you carry, when you realise that these men hold on just for one more tryst or fromp and WHEN you realise that you are FAR more worthy of this, IS when you will walk away once and for all from this unhealty, potentially disasterous situation.
Listen, you gave him his Get-out-of-jail card. You offered him freedom. HE doesn't want it. He likes being imprisioned. He's married, right? (Laff) He turned it down because YOU are his only slice of heaven when he needs a piece. Get it?
Have yourself a good cry and then embrace yourself with every ounce of strength you have left and then tell yourself that YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS. Tell yourself that will NOT settle for crumbs. That is all this man can toss you. Aren't you already starving enough?
Thinking of you,
~True~
Big bear hugs, Limbo!
I hope this conversation brought you some closure and peace. I really hope you think it through, though, before you jump into anything again with this man- even if he does the arranging. You are not on-call for him, and as long as that window is left cracked, you won't completely heal or find peace. Just a thought. I'm so proud of you for saying what you felt you needed to say. You are very brave!
Love, Lily
((((Limbo)))) I, of course, have no words of wisdom...thats why I'm at this board is to receive. LOL You sound so similar to me though. My MM also doesn't want to "officialy" end things, whenever we do talk I never feel like we resolve anything. I do have to initiate the phone calls etc...( day 7 of NC, though) but then he'll arrange a lunch. He's never said "No more" just that he's confused, things are the way they are and that he feels bad about what he is doing to his wife...but, if I move back next year he'll still be there. ??? I know he wants to leave the door open for other chances to get together down the road, but to be honest so do I. I need to completely change my outlook I realize and think of it as being over and done for good, not just while I'm living out of state. UGH...Okay, I need more coffee.
Have a good day Limbo!!!!
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