Here's the best gift I can give him

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
Here's the best gift I can give him
20
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 2:56am
After flip-flopping over and over again about what I really want from the other man in my life over the past few days I finally figured it out. And thanks for helping me get there, everyone here on this board.

I have had trouble getting even a 5 minute face-to-face with him for about 10 months now. Too much to explain here, but suspicious/jealous wife, busy work schedule (I oughta know...we work at the same place; I arranged for the job for him). But basically, as he puts it, his life is under a microscope, he has no control over his life anymore, and he's frustrated, but that's the way it is. I've felt sorry for him, gotten angry with him, tried to break off all contact completely with him (pretty dismally), and have tried to keep our friendship alive without the physical relationship, but I keep getting frustrated and disappointed by his inability to even hang out once in a while. And then I try to talk with him, can't even do that, and I get more frustrated, the pressure builds, and well....here I am today. I love this man, I can't help it. But my anxiety is eating me alive. So I wrote him a letter. I've arranged for his kids to come play with my kids, and he knows I want to speak with him when he comes to pick them up.

Here's an excerpt:

"A few weeks ago, maybe a few months ago now, you asked me a question that I wasn't able to answer at the time. I've had some time to think about it, and the answer is so simple - in theory - but so complicated in practice, that I'm not sure its possible. You asked

me what I wanted from you. The answer is the friendship that I had with you a few years ago. But I don't think that's possible. I know your life is a virtual mine field right now, and I hate being part of that by pressuring you to spend time with me. I know I've had a large part in complicating your life, I know you don't feel in control of your life, and I know you're doing what you have to do to preserve yourself right now. It seems to me that the nicest thing I can do for you, to show you how much I really care for you, is to have absolutely no expectations of you, and not put any pressure on you. It means giving up."

That's only part of it....I also thanked him for his friendship (because we were best friends for a year prior to taking it to the next stage) and also explained what 'giving up' meant...meaning NC outside of regular work stuff, since people would think it was weird if he and I avoided each other. It's the only way I can think to preserve my sanity, yet end it in a way so that I'm taking the higher road, achieving the closest thing possible to NC, and well...it's the best I could do.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 9:22am
"My MM also doesn't want to "officialy" end things, whenever we do talk I never feel like we resolve anything."

Same old same old, the Narcissit (sp) can't stand the idea of the woman ending it on her terms.

They want to keep the barn door open so they cane sneak in when they want a rip off a little milk from the farmer when he is not looking.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 10:39am
I really appreciate the sage advice, words of experience and support from all of you. True, you know I think you must use a higher percentage of your brain than most. Thanks Lily, JB & Free. It's so nice to be able to share and get some feedback from people who've been there.

One thing though, is that I don't think he turned down my offer of NC except for work because he's trying to keep the door open for sex. It's not that. I mean, yes the sex was great. But we're talking about just being able to hang out, either alone or in public in a situation other than work. What I haven't explained here before, just because I'm somewhat sensitive to somebody discovering this board and putting the puzzle pieces together, is that his wife is around at work too. I think she knows deep down that there is a connection between he and I, and is understandably jealous. If there's a work get together or anything, if she's not there, she grills him afterwards...wants to know if I specifically was there, and it got to the point where he was afraid to pretend I was in the same room because he didn't want to have to deal with her grilling, or anyone else telling her that he and I were hanging out - just as buddies, not lovers. So what we're talking about here, is the fact that even as friends we're having a hard time having a legitimate relationship, something as simple as that has to be planned and organized. It's THAT that I was willing to give up on, and in fact did last night. I think that in effect our friendship really was ended last night when I told him that I wouldn't be doing any offering, planning or organizing, because I know he's too busy and too passive to do it. And that's ok, that's basically my plan of action taking effect, whether he agreed to it or not, that's probably going to be the way it works out because I'm so familiar with his M.O.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 12:36pm
<<<>>>>

Having a plan IS the only way to escape this kind of prison because cold turkey, IMO, has a huge failure rate. We women change our mind before it is even out of our mouths ;)

I just started to withdraw (quietly) inside of my head. Whenever I assumed he would want to be intimate I would suddenly develope a headache, or a runny nose, or I had to go home early for some reason. This worked for a couple of weeks, followed by a few verbal hints that I was confused, going through something, not sure....yadi yadi. When I had a month behind us, I was able to accept that it REALLY was near dead in the water, and then I instituted the "Well, I need more space..." He knew what I was doing, but he was too much of a chicken to come right and ask if it was over. Eventually the entire 4 year affair dried up because neither one of us were nourishing it any longer: His being in denial, and my becoming indifferent. BUT, this plan worked, and I am affair FREE.....

Earlier, I went back on some of your posts and saw that you have been struggling with this for a long time. July is when you first sought out our support. IMO, I think you are more than ready to give this NC a good "Girl Scout's" try, don't you? I know you hurt thinking that this also means the end of a friendship, but sweetie, married men and other women friendships just don't survive once the affair is Kaput. They just don't, I'm sorry. Even though my XMM told me Tuesday "I am your friend for life", it's just a bunch of cacapoo. He can never be there when I need him, like a GOOD friend is free to be. COME ON. I will not feed into his thinking. I don't want to hurt him anymore than I already have so I won't lead him on in anyway. IOW, a working (co-workers) friendship is a FAR cry from a "willing to give your life up for" friendship.

Let him Go, DTL. You can do this. You are already 1/2 way to the finish line....((HUGS)))

~True~

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 4:30pm
Durn.

You're good.

Well, here's the real poop. To be as honest as I can. I don't want it to end. I don't. But what I want is something I don't think I can have. I want back the fulfilling relationship I had a year ago, that now seems impossible, due to circumstances that are, for the most part, outside of his control, and certainly outside of my control.

I hate not being in control. He has just given up on control of his own life. We actually talked about that quite a bit last night, because I'm concerned that in attempting to make things bearable for him at home, that he has given up everything. Forget about me, the poor man has no time for himself. He said, "I'm just trying to take care of everybody else's needs...I can come last." And he does. He's miserable, but he's not going to do anything about it. Won't demand some time to himself. Won't put his foot down, because I've seen the hell this woman can and will raise. I don't blame him for not wanting to unleash it. He's just soothing the savage beast, and hoping to ride out the storm.

So although I've had my angry moments, my desperate moments, those times when I second guess his feelings for me. But really - to be totally honest with you - I don't want it to be over. My decision to institute the policy of NC and no initiation on my part is so that I'm not setting myself up for failure, and so that I'm not putting pressure on him. I'm ready to not have a relationship with him in order to save us both, but to be as selfishly honest as I can be with you, I would be satisfied to stay in my marriage, him stay in his, and continue to be secret best friends and occasional lovers for the rest of our lives. I don't think I'm fooling myself that the emotional connection IS that deep. I think the worst thing about it is that we're both too chicken to do anything about the fact that we chose the wrong mates. I have this foolish fantasy that we'll outlive our mates and someday have side by side beds in a nursing home. Ain't that ridiculous?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 5:44pm
((((Ain't that ridiculous?))))

What's ridiculous is that you are a very smart women as I can tell from your posts and the way you articulate, but what you are hoping for will one day break your heart: be it discovery, or MM disappearing from your life altogether, without notice or word. These things DO fizzle overtime. The less your MM sees you, the stronger he will become in cutting you out of his life for good.

When you need us, we'll be here to pick up the pieces.

~True~





 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 7:12pm
I believe you.

And it's not just plausible, but more than likely that now that I've removed myself from the drama of setting up get-togethers and being disappointed or feeling rejected, and trying and trying to eek out a morsel of attention from him, that I'll be able to focus on my own stuff and that eventually it'll just fade away. Could happen. Might happen. OK, probably will happen, sooner or later. I think there's a part of me that's addicted to the wild emotional roller coaster ride. Yesterday I got off and ripped up my tickets. I didn't leave the amusement park, but hey...I'm walking in the right direction.

I do think I'm on the right board, though, Ending Support instead of the A Support...I really am trying to do the right thing, while also understanding that my feelings and desires are still very, very strong for this man. It's just that my actions need to override my emotions, and yesterday was a huge step for me in that direction.

Thank you again for your wise, wise words. I hope you continue to be the pillar of strength on this site not just for the rest of us, but also for yourself!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 7:38pm
Get out and stay out when you still can! I learned the hard way that when the break up happens there are reasons to stick with it. I had called it quits at least five or six times with the MM I had been seeing for several years. But I kept giving in to more sex, and the relationship would start all over. We were in love, but didn't talk about it, other than to say that we would never leave our families. My H is way better than the MM I was seeing, so I am not sure why I felt I had to keep going (other than the great sex). He and I were very much alike and related very well with each other, but would have made terrible life partners.

HERE IS WHY I SAY STICK WITH THE NC PROMISE: A couple months ago his young teenage daughter walked in on us (she came home from school totally unexpectedly). This is something I will have to live with forever, and even today I feel awful about the pain I caused her. But I still miss him terribly and fight all the time to not call. He has a huge mess on his hands now in trying to work through this with her, so I hope I am not even a thought for him.

When that little voice in our heads tells us to end it -- stick with the NC deal or you may end up hurting someone else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 9:16pm
Yikes.

One of the things he said to me last night when we talked was that one of the things that has been haunting him for the last year was a bad dream he had that his kids caught us. He decided he had to make sure that never, ever happened. I'm imagining what that would be like right now, and it just gives me the shivers. We used to be pretty stupid and careless, back in what I guess was the honeymoon stage, and we were just lucky we never got caught.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 9:51pm
Yes, all you need to do is imagine the horrible consequences of a child catching you and that alone should be enough to make anyone stop an affair. His daughter's life is forever changed, and it's all because we made some selfish and immature decisions. Just think how surreal it would be to hear a young teen telling you (and her dad) that you are not an adult. That is what I heard from this bright, smart and talented young lady that day.

I don't wish this to happen to anyone else! So remember--no matter how careful you think you are, some twist of fate can change everything in a second. I have quite a journey ahead of me as well, and I have to admit that I still think about making contact. When someone is such a big part of your life, it's tough to stop thinking about him, even though you know it is in everyone's best interest to end it and keep it that way.

Stay strong...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 1:09am
Tonight I went to a function - one that I never told anyone I was going to. My young daughter was my date, and we were having a nice evening, socializing, and then I see, across the crowd, him. Alone.

I wasn't expecting him to be there; I was kind of surprised, to tell you the truth. He saw me, I saw him, that was obvious, but we didn't go over to one another, until another friend of mine said, Oh look, there's XXX. Let's go say Hi. So we go over, say hi, make idle chat, and than that was that...I was off to socialize with other people. Then we left. I feel like I'm in a 12-step program, and today was Day One.

I'm going to take a deep breath now, and go to bed.

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