He's off for another month
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| Tue, 03-08-2005 - 9:58pm |
My exMM is off on stress leave for the month of april too. Can you believe it? What is going on? I know he and W are not back together. I think he is sweeping his issues under the carpet again. When he and I started I told him that he does that and after a while I would make jokes about it. When he would talk to me about an issue I would laugh and say 'just sweep it under the carpet like everything else.' He's laugh too but he knew it was true. After a while he admitted that he had a problem dealing with things. In fact his way of dealing was not dealing at all. Not that he would forget about them but he would sit and worry for hours but would never reach a conclusion and do something about the situation. Now he's off work and I haven't seen him since Jan sometime. I've heard that he has painted every room in his house and now he's building a race track for his son. Last night we had an emergence call and we had to go by his house at 4in the morning, his tv was on and the lights were on. I know he's not up but has fallen asleep on the sofa. That was his routine with her, the exW. So again, what is he doing that he needs another month off? I can use the overtime so I don't care and I think the longer it is before I have to see him the better. Does he think about me at all? Does he miss me? Does he regret his decision? Those are all questions I have and I know will never be answered and they knaw at me like a thorn in my side. He hasn't tried to contact me once since this happened. Will he ever try to contact me? I don't know. I hope he does, I want him to so I can reject him. I know it's wrong but I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes. I want to text him tonight and say, 'You are a pathetic lying bast*** and you broke my spirit and heart. I hate you.' I know I can't. I really want to get past this. Help please, why can't I let go? I know I love him but he was aweful to me, why do I love someone like that. My friend says he was manipulative and selfish and it was always about him. I changed my whole life around for him so that one day he said, 'uhhh, I changed my mind, I don't think I love you anymore and I think I miss my wife.' She says it's still about him b/c he just left me in the end.
I just want the pain and suffering to stop. Unfortunately I think I'll get over him when I find someone new. I live in a small fishing community and I have no idea how to meet men anymore. The only ones I've been attracted to are either too shy to come talk to me or approach me (saw him sat at club but never talked to me or danced with me) and the other one who has a mutual attraction to me ( we both feel it when we look at each other) has a gf of 2 yrs. Why oh why?
Free or Id if you're out there. Some logic would be good. Actually you all have good things that always help me.
LilRocket

Rocket
All the emotional termoil that your dealing with is pretty much par for the course, so don't let it upset you to much, we all walk this path at our own speed you get to the end of it when you do.
You know this is the 21 first century and if a single lady sees a single guy she likes it is OK for here to approach him, so way don't you just go for it and introduce yourself to that single unattached man.
Sickem girl
Free
rocket,
we are all in our little hell
i read it somewhere that " when we are in hell, just go thru it"
this too shall pass in time
like FREE said, just to out there and if u see a single guy, then go for it
take care,
fil
(((lilrocket)))
He's a conflict avoider. I had one of those. Lord knows what we would find under their rugs. His taking another month off is really a Godsend. Use this time to work on yourself which MEANS concentrating on letting this whole thing go.....so you can move forward.Turn some of that love you have for him onto yourself......you know you deserve more than empty dreams and promises.
Id, thanks again for everything. Today I found out that all my co-workers are talking about us and b/c he's off they think of him as the victim. I'm a stronger person and I am not on stress leave. (although maybe I should be). Anyway, they think I'm terrible and horrible. They are talking about us constantly and saying it's my fault for getting involved with someone who is married and someone who has a child. Then they started picking at me in general. started talking about my judgement on an emerg call I did. I did the right thing but they don't think so. i want to confront them on it. Do you think I should? I know I'm 30 y/o and I should be able to make my own decisions but I don't have anyone to vent to or bounce ideas off of anymore, my H was awesome for that. Anyway, it pisses me off so bad that I am sorry I ever met MM. I texted that to him. My life didn't have this drama before and I want serenity again. I really am sorry I met him. The only thing I feel like I've learned is don't trust anyone. One of the co-workers who is stabbing me in the back gave me a huge hug when she found out and said she didn't trust him anymore and he used me and I was a challenge at one time and now that I'm not b/c I was his and he was mine then he didn't want me anymore. She made it seem like she had some compasion and at the time I would talk to a dead skunk just to talk about it and so I told her a little bit of what happened. Now I see she's not a friend. I don't know who to trust, I guess trust no one. How do I deal with these people? That's the way it's always been, it doesn't matter who you are, if you work here then it's a guarentee they will pick behind your back. I love my job so much that I don't want to leave. I just want to come to work and help people and let them leave me and my life alone. I take responsibility in this b/c I needed to talk and I talked to the people here and they have all at one time betrayed me. Even my partner, he told most of what I told him in confidence to a bunch of people at Tim Horton's one night when I was off and he was working with someone else. I'm so mad right now I could just scream. I just want people to be honest and good with me like I try to be with them. I'm so lost. How did I get messed up like this.
I agree about the wounded sign on my back. I'm trying to get better and maybe I'm doing ok but I guess I'm impatient b/c I feel like I should be over this by now. I know I am stronger than this and I have to get past it NOW. Life is passing me by while I'm wasting time thinking and groaning over him. I need to get it out of my heart that he is the man for me. I tried to make a list of all the bad things and I can't get past 3 items and then I seem to be able to overlook them somehow. I think he has hurt me so bad by telling me he didn't feel anything for me and still I can rationalize that by saying he had a mental break down and he doesn't really know how he feels. God I'm nuts. I think I'm beyond therapy now. HELP.
LilRocket
((lilrocket))
Are you talking to a professional right now? I don't remember reading if you are in therapy but I would strongly advise it because only there will your confidentiality be protected, (and here on the boards). Looks like you are getting the green weany from the stone casters, eh? I am really sorry that your trust has been betrayed. People are gossip mungers and sometimes that is the only excitment they get out of their boring little lives. You know, living vicariously? I feel bad that you are on the brunt end of their venom, but try not to let it get to you. Your medical insurance MUST cover counseling, so please look into it.
Is there any way you could take a short leave of absense? Just to go out of town to clear your head for a few days. That would give the blabbers time to get it out of their system and stuff should calm down. Besides, YOU need a break from all of this just as much as Mr. Hide N' Seek did. Again, I am so sorry for his failures. We always seem to see them after the fact.
Hang tough little one. I get the impression it's going to take much more than simple minds to do you in ;)
Thank you so much. I just had it out with some of my co-workers. They practically said that they want to transfer out of our base b/c of what happened. They don't want to be associated with our base any more. I told them the ball would stop rolling when they stop rolling it. I know they talk about me and MM and it needs to be done. I am not to blame for all of this, it's just easier b/c I am at work and he is not. I want to call him and tell him how much of a coward he is for not facing the music. I'm facing it now at full force but when he comes back everyone will be saying,' how are ya? how ya doing? had a rough time eh? i'm so sorry.' He'll get all the sympathy and I get all the crap. It's so not fair. I am going away for 3 days. I know when I get back it won't be over but at least maybe after talking to them they'll understand that I'm a person with feelings. Feelings that have been trampled on and I am not taking it any more. I told them tonight that none of them are perfect but when they are then they have the right to judge me. One woman came up to me to hug me and I pushed her away, I told all of them that I don't trust any of them and I never will. She looked like she was going to cry. Another guy said he was glad that I didn't come to him to talk b/c he would have told me how wrong I was for having an affair. I laughed, I should have told him he must be joking that I would never confide in him but I just let it go. Then the supervisor said you can't expect people not to talk about other people. I felt like he was taking their side that it was ok to talk. I am so glad I am going away tomorrow.
Living in such a small community and the paramedics are such a lrg part of this community, I wonder how I will ever be able to move on. I'll never have a bf from here. It's literally impossible now. I'm sure everyone knows and b/c people see me they talk about me whereas MM lives 20 min outside the community so non ever sees him.How will I ever get past this? Is it even possible to recover from this? Most of my so called friends are medics and I see how I cannot talk to them anymore.
My insurance pays for 3 sessions which I went for already. The first one sat there and asked me what I thought of everything, I wasn't getting anywhere and I didn't feel comfortable with him at all.Then I went to another who is a clinical social worker who I have more qualifications than her. She is the same therapist that MM goes to so I didn't think that was a good idea. She was ok but I can see how she just didn't know what to say anymore. I just went there and cried and she said it's hard to go thru an affair and it sounds like he did love me and maybe still does but let's not talk about that. I know after a while I have to stop talking about him but not after session 2!! Too soon, need to purge it out first. I'm stuck I admit but it wasn't until I came here that I felt like I wasn't alone anymore. I know there's people out there that really know how I feel and can talk to me from experience. As for therapy being paid, I've maxed that out. I don't have extra cash now that I'm alone.
Thanks for being there.
LilRocket