He's back...
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He's back...
| Thu, 07-22-2004 - 9:21am |
The first week after I ended the A with MM at work, I kept telling myself how strong and independant I was, and how I didn't need or want MM. I was trying to psych myself up. Of course that was easy to do since he wasn't around. He has been on vacation for the past week. This morning I walked in the office and saw him as I walked down the hall and the same old feelings came rushing back. I don't know if I'm going to be able to make it through the next two days, or the rest of the time for that matter. He looked at me, while only for a second, and it was like he was reading my mind. It was one of those looks you don't forget. I know in my head I made the right decision to end things with him, but right now I want nothing more than for him to come up behind me, put his arms around me, and kiss me...like so many other times. I didn't realize how much I would miss him.

I admire you for being able to end it. I have never been able to stick to my plan of ending it.
I totally understand how you feel because two weeks ago my MM and I were planning to meet but because of outside influences there was no way I could meet him. I told him I just couldn't meet him and he said it's okay, don't worry. (It had been 4 weeks since I saw him in person.) Only a few days went by before I asked him if we could do drinks. We did drinks and more. That's what happens when you see the person - all those feelings come back.
Anyway, if you know it's what you really need to do than be strong! You can do it!
You are responsible for your actions, so just go hour by hour.
Best of luck.
Ugh! Too bad they don't prescribe any kind of medicine for this. Wait, they do! I think it's called chocolate!
:)
<<<>>
I did it, so you can too. Just keep reminding yourself that what you are doing could ultimately hurt many people if ever discovered. Immediate gratification is NOT worth paying for it for the rest of your life. You could lose your job, respect of other coworkers and much more. Trust me in this, if push came to shove and your were somehow exposed, your MM would not give a hoot about your future welfare. He'd be covering his own butt.
True
I know I did the right thing in trying to end relationship with MM. I know that our friendship can't be the same as it was before all of this started. Right now I can't get my heart to listen. I feel so weak for letting him kiss me.
Trying to end it how? Only in your head? While he was on vacation? Or have you actually told him you want it to stop? I played these same head games over and over again with myself every time my XMM went away on vacation or business. That was when I was OH SO strong....but like you, as soon as he came back, I would fold like tissue paper. That lasted over 4 years, and FINALLY I had had enough and devised a plan. I began to withdraw emotionally a little at a time, until I really DIDN'T care anymore.
All you can do is keep on trying. First you need to tell him though, that you really want to work on your marriage, and that he needs to give you some space to work things out. That means, NO touching. If he respects you at all, he will back off. If he is persistant with the "Oh baby, I want you" crap, then this man is only in it for the sex. You need to test the waters by NOT being available to him whenever he wants it. Eventually you will get stronger and stronger and with that comes the return of your self respect. If you love this job and don't want to have to leave it, YOU have to set the boundaries.
I wish you luck,
True
In response to "I wouldn't even look at him when I talked to him. I knew if I looked into his eyes, that would be it."
That is so funny because the first time I em'd my MM and said I couldn't be alone with him, he didn't even em me back for over a week. We took a break together and I told him that "I can't even look at you". The chemistry is so damn strong. After that, we got together the next week and kissed.
I totally understand what you're going through because I'm THERE!
I tried to be good, and tried NOT to go where I am at now. (Never had IC but did have Oral Sex.)
If you really want to get out, have you asked him not to tempt you? (I did that, but it didn't work - all it got me was him saying he would never have IC with me.)
I don't know how long I can remain intimate with MM. When we were together I told him that I might never do this again. I've learned that I have to watch what I say because I've given him mixed messages all along. I told him from the beginning that I could never do this to my H, but then would confess these feelings I have for him. And he kept pushing.
Anyway, I do understand. And I'll support you.