He's Back!!!!
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| Tue, 04-27-2004 - 4:33pm |
I think last week I posted a message that I sent a closure email and then I went to NY for my best friend's wedding, so I haven't heard or contacted MM since last Wednesday I believe ( can't remember).
Basically he stated that he still wants to communicate through email and he hopes that one day we can get together for coffee or something. "Something", huh? Does he really think I'm that naive or stupid...HA!! Says he still loves me and one day we will be together. Yeah, right!!
I know I shouldn't sound so cold but I don't trust that he will follow through with leaving his wife and I'm tired of hurting and I'm emotionally spent. I can't put myself in a position again to get hurt. I will believe it when I see it, but I won't hold my breath.
My heart so badly wants to continue to keep contact but I am choosing to listen to my head this time and not let him back in. Does anyone find that cold and heartless?
MidnightBlue

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It does get better. Although I am still sad, the frantic feeling of loss has subsided. Friday was almost normal until about an hour before we had to go home. We both work part time and both hate the job. Fridays and now Mondays are the only days we work together unless its the last week in the month then we both work Wednesday.
I have found that different activities help in different ways. I can always tell when I have reached some kind of mile stone because I have a dream that I remember. Sometimes its about her and sometimes not but I know its about my relationship with her.
If it had not been for my kids I would have spiraled a lot lower. As it was I held on but buried myself in working. All the time at the Law Office, On my investment house, on my real estate company. Then I had a dream that I only remember the last piece of. I was standing on the beach with my mother, sister and two daughters. There was a very large Tsunami descending on the five of us. There was no where to run so I held onto them. I woke up just before the water hit us.
The interpretation that I got from this was that my old life was being washed away with the exception of my family.
The last dream I had was Friday morning. I think this one was influenced by the board. The only part of this one I remember was her telling me that she had fallen in love with her H and that she thought they could be happy.
This could have been acceptance or letting go I don't know.
Other times its still difficult. Like this quote from a recent movie:
"How do you go on when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back. There are somethings that time cannot mend, some hurts that go too deep.."
- B
totalknowledge,
That quote is very beautiful and sad. I am big on poetry and quotes, and other writings. I love to read and write which I find is a beautiful art form.
I agree, I don't believe it is a hurt that will ever fully go away. I have read and re-read and analyzed and picked apart everything humanly possible about A's and the why's, how's, etc. i have also pulled apart to no end my own personal beliefs, values, guilt, sadness of my broken marriage, about the A, about why I was open to it etc, as well.
I think it's as simple and as complex as this ( it's my own opinion). I believe we are all put here for certain lessons in this lifetime ( I believe in reincarnation and past lives)and everythind happens for a reason and the people that walk in and out of our lives are for a reason as well.
When I was very young (13)I knew then what I wanted in this life as far as the "one". I have found him...at a price. I know my lesson on this earth is to learn true, genuine and authentic honesty within myself. To be true to myself unconditionally, and that is what I have discovered and taken with me from this R with MM. The hurt is so intense because it is the only authentic, honest, genuine and pure (in such an unpure world)love that can be found. It is what I call "Soul Love", because it is the love from one's deepest most sacred part of themselves...their spirit, their soul.
MidnightBlue
dek8109,
I believe the other reason I have not chosen to fully deal with things is that I was the one who initiatied the NC thing and told him that I have to start learning to let him go. He did not and does not want it over. That alone I know is the reason I haven't moved further with the final realization that it has to end. If he told me to let him go or agreed and told me it's over THEN I would feeling a lot different and dealing with things a lot harder but I would have known where i stood. Hope I made sense.
MidnightBlue
Unfortunately you can not decide his fate for him and even though it is painful. NC is really the right thing to do. Continuing the A is not fair to you, him or anyone else involved. Hang in there. I know how hard it is. :)
-B
totalknowledge,
I completely agree with you and I am keeping my decision of NC, but what I expressed is what's in my heart. I know within that 1) That I should fully go through the stages of it being really over (which I think I am but I have stayed in the stage of denial, which I know is not a healthy stage to be in, and 2) Because of that I know in my heart I am still waiting. Waiting in a sense that I am going about my everyday business and getting done what I need to get done, but there are things that I do (such as still check my email, although not as often as in the beginning)to suggest that I still hold on to hope.
The only thing in my defense is that I am very well aware of my actions and I am taking baby steps to get to the next phase. So, I am taking responsibility of myself and taking actions to walk away a little more each day.
MidnightBlue
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