He's clear. I'm not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2004
He's clear. I'm not.
3
Sat, 06-26-2004 - 1:54pm
Hi all:

A quick re-cap. Have ended two and a half year A in fits and starts. My xMM is very clear: he knows he's hurting me and his W. He can't continue 2 relationships. Ours is the one to go.

I started out strong: Yes, this is the right thing to do. Yes, I can let go of the intimacy and specialness. But it is so hard. Where is my pride? He knows I will come running if he says so. It's doubtful he's going to . Why can't I be the one to say NC? We have not gone there yet. Currently he gets to keep my friendship (while knowing I pine for him), and his family. Why can't I get mad enough to say "Nuts to this?"

Advice?

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Sat, 06-26-2004 - 8:54pm
The best thing you can do for yourself (I know you don't want to hear this) is to get more fully engaged in your OWN life. you didn't say whether you were married or not. I am & was single during my A with an MM for 3.5 years. I felt restless being "committed" on my side to my MM but sharing him with his W & family. He had the idea we could continue the A for 12 years until his youngest was in college. yeah right

about 6 mos. before I ended it, I started getting more involved in my own life -- by working more (no time for lunch meetings), doing more with my children & friends (not available for last minute get-togethers), working out more (feeling better & more confident), and yes, even dating. I also read a ton of posts here, posted here & read lots of self-help books & articles, particularly those geared to EMAs. Made me realize our "great love" was fairly typical of people involved in EMAs. Maybe our "great love" was something else? Ah, yes, and about 6 mos. of therapy, after I made the move to end the A.

My dates were NOT all home-runs or even close, in fact only one of them gave me hope that I'd meet someone else special, but this & the other changes put me in a place of power and safety where I knew I'd be okay without my MM. who was also my best friend &, I thought, the love of my life.

After I ended it -- I went through the classic stages of grief -- denial, bargaining, anger, etc. but I did get to acceptance and peace. I never looked back after I told my MM (we did attempt to break it off several times during the A but this was the first time I was really ready). I am happier now -- a year and a half after the A, than I have ever been in my life.

I have problems, but I face them head on & deal with them. I think my A was my escape - my cocktail, my addiction. my counselor told me the A was more about need than desire. When you can understand that evaluation, I think you're on your way to healing.

So, my advice -- get busy. Treat it as though you OWN this break up. It could be the best thing that ever happened to you. Honest! AND even if your MM is your soul mate -- he's more likely to come back to YOU if you move on than if you cling. In fact, my MM said he'd leave his marriage the first time after I ended the A. I don't believe he would have, but it was too late for me anyway. I just wasn't there for him anymore.

Good luck my dear -- I hope you find your happiness!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2004
Sun, 06-27-2004 - 7:17pm
Dear FNM:

Thanks so much. I'm saving your reply. What wise, easy to understand thoughts. Ones that I needed to hear.

I know you're right. And yes, it's hard to admit that this "love like no other" is like a lot of others.

I'll keep you posted. Was that an unintentional pun???

Pam

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Sun, 06-27-2004 - 8:34pm
Gosh- this sounds what my X did to me. His W asked for the D in Jan, moved out in April and he said he would wait for me forever. I encouraged him to get out and do things..which he did...and I think he realized he wanted a life now..not later...and so over a 2 month period...closed the door on a 20+ year relationship...he says there is no one...although I am not sure of this--as I know he likes being with someone...and I am sure dinner alone is lonely after being married for 19 years. He is in great shape, and is smart and makes a good living...so he is definitely eligible.

I just wish he would have told me along the way what was going on. Now that I am free-- I just feel like he did nto even wait a month after his D was final to tell me goodbye...it is so surreal

How can you close the door and not look back?? Especially if you are both now at the same point???

tb