He's just broke NC

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2003
He's just broke NC
8
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 2:46pm
After three weeks he has just broken NC! He texted me said, "waiting on bus stop to go home thinking of you, hope you are feeling happier,no reply, love P". I replied I have been missing him so much, just put a load of kisses and Miss u. Then he phoned, I know I shouldn't have answered, he asked if I was ok, I said I was fine and he said good so was he and it could hear in my voice that I was happier, and then asked me who he was!(jokingly) I said I wasn't happier it was because I was talking to him. He said he missed me and it would be alright if we just spoke once a month or so we could be friends, so I said oh can we? meaning I don't know about that, said he knew he had to leave me alone so that I could get on with my life, he then said yes, it won't hurt to talk now and then you know I will never leave my wife. Then he said he had better go as she might phone him, said he missed me and would be in touch sometime.

I now feel awful, sat and cried my daughter asked me what bus stop he was on so that she could go and tell him where to go!

I have just texted him this message: Don't do that again please, I cant b friends I love U!if I see you out fine but please keep NC. You don't want me so leave me alone. xx

Any words that will help me right now will be so appriciated. Why did he contact me, I miss him more that words could ever say but I haven't contacted him. Did I say the right thing in my text. I feel back to square one and I had such a good weekend even danced with a couple of single men. Oh God!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 3:33pm
When you write, "you don't want me so leave me alone" you are asking for him to write back, "but I do want you."

STOP THE MADNESS!!! YOU KNOW he still wants you, but that is not the point. The point is that he is never leaving his wife, and you and he hit the proverbial wall...there is nowhere left to go in this affair. He still wants you, still loves you, but you and he cannot be together in real life, and all that can come of it is anger and frustration.

You know what I am saying is true.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2003
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 5:03pm
No i didn't say it to get a reply that he still wants me. What I meant is, you don't want me rather than your marriage, so leave me alone so that I can find someone single who does want me. He knows that's what I meant, he knows how I feel about him and was told if ever he found himself single to give me a call and if I was on my own then we'd go out for a drink, but was told not to contact me if he remained married.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 5:07pm
There is only ONE way to write to someone if you do NOT want to elicit a response, and that is to NOT write anything they can dispute. You wrote, "You do not want me" and that is totally disputable because it is YOUR interpretation of HIS feelings. If you really want him to stop contacting you, this is what you say: "You have made your situation clear to me, and I need you to respect me by not contacting me. This is the last communication you will hear from me."

No confusion. Absolute clarity. Without absolute clarity, you are just a sitting duck, waiting for him to "shoot" at you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 8:16pm
I agree with lotus. I'm still in my first few day of NC right now (after our last rendezvous at a hotel!), and I really want to email him, something, just to get his reply and hear from him. Why? Because I want to know if he still thinks of me... but for what purpose will that get me? His attention for me and any thing build up between us will lead only to one thing: the next time we're in bed together!

I read this from another place regarding affairs: A man gives love to get sex, and a woman gives sex to get love.

I'm going to find love from all the single guys out there. And if I don't get love, at least I'm sure there's sex. All this man is giving me, if anything, I know in the end, it's only to get me in bed. I know that, but I'm tired of it... He's married, and he's not going to leave his wife, so what am I doing wanting a piece of him? I deserve a whole!!!

I think you're playing games, of manipulation, to see if he responds... I don't know for sure, but if you intend to open the communication that way, things like "you don't care for me" he'll tell you that he's been a mess, or that it hurts him too, etc... and as much as you want to believe that he's hurt or that he's missing you, it's all lies...

i'm checking back here and wish you all well. i've been on the "all sides of the affair" and gawd, i learned so much there! Just think of the mess that I got myself into, being with another woman's H, while there are so many other available single men!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 10:16pm
I'm glad we agree on ALMOST everything...but the one thing I do NOT agree with is that all men use love to get sex or that if an exMM says he misses his OW, it is lies. We cannot know what motivates anyone or make such broad sweeping generalizations. For example, I know that my exMM is totally not in it for the sex - he wants to have an affair WITHOUT sex....he wants me to be "faithful" to him EMOTIONALLY....even though there is no sex in the picture. Go figure. And I have a friend who was in much the same boat...she had an "affair" with an MM for nearly two years, during which he never wanted to "consummate".

What IS true is that whatever the exMM says...it DOES NOT MATTER. Lies, truths, it doesn't matter. Love, sex, emotional blackmail, sexual bribery, it doesn't matter. Because he is married. And it ends there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 11:57pm
Okay, so you had a weak moment. I guess he did too. But Natty, you're doing so well! I love that your daughter wanted to go kick his rear-end! That's great. And it's great that you got OUT there and danced!

You haven't failed -- you took a bite of the chocolate cake now don't go blowing your diet by eating the whole darn thing! Just put it away, where it belongs. It's not day one but it is a slip. You'll be stronger next time. Next time, his lame-o email or texts will just irritate you.

ENVISION your future WITHOUT this loser, who's sneaking around behind his wife's back like a nasty little boy. Puhlease! Natty, we want MEN! men who can love us openly & stand in public and say "I LOVE THIS WOMAN" okay, maybe not, but still men we can see openly and have to our family gatherings and talk to our friends about without being ashamed. Men who our kids like (okay my kids aren't totally crazy about my single boyfriend but they would have just been ashamed of me if they knew about the affair) or at least men our kids can get to know!

Natty, you are doing great. Don't beat yourself up another minute. The guy, he's pathetic. You're a hot mama out dancing the night away, ready to live your life to the fullest & he's stuck at the bus stop, texting you and waiting for a reply that NEXT time won't come! Live your life and give him the smallest amount of pity that he can't live his!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2003
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 4:22pm
Thanks foolnomore,

Needed to hear something like your message. I certainly didn't say what I did to him to get a reaction, he knows on what terms he can have me,if he's not married I made that plain to him and he doesn't want me enough to end his marriage so he has to leave me alone. I don't need to get a reaction from him I know he misses me and is still keen and he knows I am but he knows my conditions that I wrote in my letter.

I think there is something missing in his marriage that he won't find, I think it had all gone to wrong, but I am not prepared to be there to provide what ever that missing ingrediant is, if he needs me then he knows how he can have me, nothing less.

If he needs the contact just maybe like 200 million to 1 he'll decide his marriage isn't what he wants but I'm not holding my breath.

May be one day when I no longer love or need him I will be able to talk to him as a friend but maybe by then I won't want to.

Should he text again if I cant bear to ignore it, though I will try very hard,I will reply sorry cant talk now out on date!

And he is still cheating on his wife isn't he, just by being in contact, I told him entered NC for his sake to help him rebuild his marriage apart from helping me cope. It has been so hard for me to let him go but I did that because I love him to enable him to save his marriage, whats he doing trying to mess up again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 9:17pm
basically any man who has an affair is pretty selfish -- wanting to have his cake & eat it too & all that. Sure he's keen on you -- you're free & fun and he's not so happy with the W when he compares you to her. In the end, you're right -- he's using you, even if he cares a lot, to prop up his unhappy life.

If you give an ultimatum, it's me or the marriage, all you can do is hold up your end of the deal -- If the marriage, then not me. Otherwise, it was just an empty threat and manipulation. That's not who you are or what you want. So stick with the choice you presented him. If he tries to contact you and it doesn't start out "my divorce was granted today," then you have nothing to say to him & no reply is necessary.

Good luck! Stay strong! (or your daughter will kick his rear-end!!)