he's married 4 months after our break-up

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
he's married 4 months after our break-up
5
Tue, 11-16-2004 - 10:52pm

I am still a bit shell-shocked. This was my best friend and my first love. We have known each other 25 years and have been through so much together. We have always been there for each other. His W asked for a D in Jan. Wife moved out in April. It was finalized in May. He broke up with me in June and got married again in Oct. I still cannot believe it.

We had it all- friendship, love, respect, fun, and just loved hanging out together...so I thought. He was so romantic and wrote incredible letters and emails etc....we were LD...and he supposedly started dating this new woman in June. I do not know what happened but somewhere things turned bitter-- W said he made her life miserable...he was extremely upset and we talked all the time...almost daily for the last 5 months of our 4 year affair. I still have no idea what went wrong-- other than he met someone there.

The only good thing is that I literally ran into them in Oct- before their M at the airport. He would not even look at me...some guy tried to pick me up and told me I was hot-- first time for everything. She was very large and wearing very tight fitting clothes and this guy said who is the woman staring at you...That is when I saw them. I did not know what to say but the tears filled up in my eyes. He was great- this complete starnger telling me I looked great...The trip itself -it was a diaster...we had planned conferences together back in March...so I knew we would be at the same hotel...I did not think we would run into each other in the airport. I flew from the airport farthest from his house -- I have no idea why he would fly out of the airport he did...oh well.

I am hurting again so much...married within 4 months of our break-up and 5 months after his D. I think he probably started seeing this woman in May while we were still dating...although we had not seen each other in 2 years...I know I should be over this-- it just is so painful
tb

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 8:58am

<<>>>

Dear TB,

I wanted to respond to this yesterday but I was just too tired. First of all I wanted to tell you that I had followed all of your posts earlier this year and was very worried for you because as someone who is more objective, I could see the red flags even back then. The way you would hear from him, and then long stretches of nothing, then the on again off again friendship, how he was totally confusing you. I felt it then that he had met someone, but when we love someone so much, our hearts just don't want to accept this.

If not for this accidental meeting at the airport, would you ever have found out, do you think? Strange how life clues us in on those things that we need to understand, and supplies us with observations that we need to see, but refuse to accept, at least at first. He has moved on TB, and now you have to do the same.

Wishing you strength and peace of heart,

~True~

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2003
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 9:32am

TB,

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is alot to deal with and it is going to take time. I hope that time heals you and you find the peace in your heart to move forward. You deserve the best....keep your chin up....you will feel better!!

Karry

Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 8:47pm

Yes, you are right. As soon as he broke it off in June I too knew there was another woman. It was the same thing that happened 20 years ago. Yet this time we had been talking all the time and expressing all those unsaid feelings. From Jan- May it was so wonderful. I needed a littel time to sort things out...and clearly he did not. My guess is - he started dating this woman in May.

It is so similar to 20 years ago. He broke if off in Dec...I knew he was dating someone but he said no...he started dating her in Nov. They were engaged in April and married in Sept.

I am not sure what his x-wife thinks but I am sure she is not happy with this. I think this was his way of getting back at her for leaving him...he said he wanted to move on with his life. He wanted her to know that she had no control over him anymore and that he was not interested in her and wanted to make sure she knew that. Once we split- he became this incredibly hurtful person...to his x-wife. I think he needs to forgive her in order to be truly happy...but clearly he does not think that.

In some ways maybe this is a blessing in disguise...it stops the feelings of maybe he will wake up at some point...Most of the time I don't want to talk to him -- I in some ways feel happy that he is so angry...it is hard to imagine how you could turn around and get married so quickly....after 4-5 months of dating.

I only found out about the marriage after the trip where I saw him/them...so he does not know I know. I think it is better left unknown. There are times when I want to call up and say what on earth did you do...but it would not change a thing and mostly I just feel empty...so it would not help me in any way.

I do feel sorry for the kids. It must be hard on them. They have had no time to adjust to any of this. His XW does not know he had an A...so she is taking all the heat for the D. He just says - she wanted it and asked for it...and tells everyone he is the victim in all this. So the kids think the D was all her fault...I am not sure what they think now.

Oh well- I am over 5 months out...and crying alot less...although this week has definitely threw me for a loop. I miss the person I knew and loved...but he no longer exists. Now I just try to forget...but it hurts.

Thanks for the support...it really does help. I don't feel as all alone.
tb

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2003
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 5:15am

Hi tb,
wanted to let you know we're in a similar boat and I felt the same shock and hurt you do, so my sympathies really go out to you.
My ExA got married one year after our A ended and after he had left his long-term-partner (at the same time), too. I also only got to know by chance, and I, too, remember thinking, how early after the split-ups he must have met his new wife... but I had no chance to find out anything about the 2 of them - and that was a blessing, because any more information would have just increased the hurt I felt (and knew I shouldn't...). I have no idea how his long-term-Ex-partner handles all this (and if she knows), she never knew of me and we have no connection. Another reason to be grateful - but I also think of her sometimes - how she must feel now (they were together 7 years).

You write: ""In some ways maybe this is a blessing in disguise...it stops the feelings of maybe he will wake up at some point...it is hard to imagine how you could turn around and get married so quickly....after 4-5 months of dating""

It IS a blessing, and not really disguised, either: For me, it definitly helped SO much to end any hope that he might be back sometime = continue to be a danger to me (because that's how I can see him now, after 1 1/2 years of NC). And more: In a way, I find it comforts me to know he seems to have found happiness/has settled down - hard to explain how THAT feeling came about, but maybe you'll experience that also, after some more time has passed.

Yes, it IS a very short time of dating after which to get married - but I think this follows a pattern, because it happens in such a lot of cases. My guess is, quite some men can re-design themselves really quickly, and then can get on with thir "new" life, shedding all pasts like old skins. Maybe we should learn from them in this respect...
On the other hand, this rushing-into-things doesn't constitute a very grown-up-behaviour, and often looks like last-minute-panic. (This is different from your case, but my A, who is 45 now, made it official with a text on his website, and from his words I got the distinct impression he had had a good look around and found that his maxim of not committing himself ever had become dangerous: He might be left all alone in his old age
;-)
But if your ExA only did this to hurt/spite his ExW (sounds a bit like it), I don't think his new marriage will make him happy...

My ExA also doesn't know I know, he could guess, but no more. I was also SO tempted to write him a "what-the-hell-you-think-you're-doing"-letter - but, as you say so rightly, it would not change a thing, would not help you, could only hurt you more. Showing him that you hurt because of this, might draw a pity that you REALLY don't want or need.

That your ExA is portraying himself as the victim is absolutely perverted: As far as I read here, he did exactly what HE liked to do, at any given time. But his ExW left him - he lost his power there big-time, and now he seems to have taken the most unfitting measure to get some of it back...
It's very hard to lose the friend - but I'm sure that you got rid of this MAN is beneficial for you.

You write: ""I miss the person I knew and loved...but he no longer exists."" It was just the same for me - maybe this person we knew never existed; was just made up for a short time and for us exclusively... It hurts damnably to realise this. But you come over very strong to me, tb, and I'm sure you'll manage to deal with this hurt and get over it in time. You were on your good way, now you've been thrown off again - but just a little, and not for a very long time, not over this darned marriage of his.

It'll get easier again, soon, and then you can continue on your good way.
Wishing you strength and courage,
M.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2004
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 7:20am

Dear TB and WITW,

Both of your stories, I believe, are valuable lessons that women should learn in regards to how unpredictable these cheaters can be once they become tangled in their web of lies. The only way out they see fit for survival, is to hurt everyone in their path as they plan their escape. Although they appear to be so together and adoring on the outside, they are torn and weak in the inside, so they lure as many hearts as they can into their web for future feedings. I know, I was married to such a man at one time. He left me for another, and then eventually broke her heart too. In time he came crawling back but I had moved on by then.

Thank you for sharing your stories and I hope others read it with open eyes. If a MM/OM seems too anxious for you to leave your partner for him, or promises a future together while he is still obligated to another, you can bet that one day he will leave you also. It's all about control, so ladies - BEWARE.

Sunny