He's suddenly back in contact with me

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2004
He's suddenly back in contact with me
10
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 5:12pm
Hello, Been a long time since I've been here. It's been going really well for me. I did the No Contact thing for 3 months. I work with the XMM, so I only talked to him professionally. I was actually o.k. with our working relationship and felt pretty comfortable seeing him and just being co-workers. I've been in counseling, he's been in counseling, no funny stuff happening.
Suddenly, about three weeks ago, he asked to talk with me...it sounded serious. So, I stupidly met him to talk with him. It started out fine with just work talk, but then he told me that an ex-girlfriend that he used to live with got into contact with him. To make a long story short, they lived together, then she had to move to a place that he didn't want to move, the broke up, he moved to his current location, met his wife and married her. They now have 2 kids. So, the old girlfriend gets in touch with him, she is going through a divorce and seems really needy and wants to see him...for old time's sake!! He actually wanted my opinion on what he should do. I told him that whatever happened between he and his old girlfriend is in the past and he should NOT meet up with her b/c he would be repeating his "cheating" behavior with another person. He was not planning on telling his wife about it. When he told me all of this, I suddenly got so ANGRY b/c he was considering going down that road again with another person. I don't want to go down that road with him again, but it made me feel so cheap to know that he was considering meeting her, not telling his wife, and potentially screwing up again.
Ever since our conversation, it's been on my mind. I'm not jealous, but I feel like I was totally used when we were together if he can so easily consider this with another person. Also, I felt a huge need to lecture him and try to bring him to his senses. I asked him if he was 100% happy in his marriage, and he said yes. I think he's in total denial and this behavior will probably continue throughout his life. The other thought that crossed my mind is that he was just trying to get "into my brain" again by telling me this. When I asked him why he was sharing this with me, he said it was because I was the only person he could tell b/c I'm the only one who knows how he is. I don't know. Does anyone have ANY advice for me? I don't want to go back to that state where my brain is always focused on him again, but this is REALLY bothering me. Some part of me hopes he screws up and his wife finds out and he gets what he deserves.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 5:38pm

Ivhappiness

Greetings.

Advice do what you have been doing NO PERSONAL CONTACT, Shut your ears to his B/S and refuse to engage him in anything but the most professsional matters and that ONLY IN YOUR WORK PLACE, no private meetings......HIS LIFE IS NOT YOUR BUSINESS OR PROBLEM and yours is not his....WALK AWAY AND DON'T LOOK BACK.

This may sound a little harsh but you don't need to allow him the opportunity to mess with your peace of mind.

I think what has you bugged is the realization that what you had with him is not special it is just something he does because that his "HOW HE IS".

Free

Avatar for alice700
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2003
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 5:52pm
IV,
I completely agree with Free, plus isn't it amazing how little regard he has for your feelings? All he can think about is "needing" advice from you, not about how you might feel about hearing the news that he's considering playing another woman. The nerve!
I know it's tempting to give advice and so on; I've been there many times, but the best thing to say is "What makes you think I have any interest in counseling you about your personal life?" Sorry, but he sounds like a real toddler to me.
Alice
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2004
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 6:02pm
Thanks, I needed to hear that. Yes, it did hurt my feelings to hear him talk like I was just a "friend". I'm not just a friend. I'm someone that was totally crushed by this person. I think that hearing what he is considering with this other person just makes me feel like a doormat. I know that this will pass, but right now, I feel cheap and used. Then, to top it all off, he has the nerve to tell me that he's happily married? I truly feel sorry for his wife and kids.
Oh, I forgot to mention that he hugged me twice. TWICE!!! What the hell?
Thanks for reinforcing my thoughts. I'll try to go back to business as usual, but it's like he planted a little bug in my brain. I need an exterminator.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 7:21pm

for happiness,

why would he do that ? do get u back of course, to make u jealous and then he will make his move again, cycle goes back

guy is a player, dont play the game , i know its hard not to but NC is the best

max

failed but trying again

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2005
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 7:25pm

I agree with Max. He's trying to get into your head. Probably feeling you out to see if you still have the hots for him. Don't take the bait lady. I wouldn't be surprised if the story was "embellished" a little, or completely made up. Stop thinking about it!

Despr8

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Sat, 04-02-2005 - 9:37am

for sure he does not want to lose that free sex, lost of men can separate their emotions, u may break it up with him and he has accepted it but he still does want sex with u hence all the contact, he will lie as usual of course and he definitely does not have respect for u

u will end up getting hurt some more, trust me, i been there and back and back again, i must be a saddist , but u can only take that much crap

sex is a very strong tool that much people use, its like a blackmail tool, i know coz i am also a victim of this , who are we kidding , most of us like sex but its the aftger sex that kills most us

haaaaa,
max

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2004
Sat, 04-02-2005 - 12:15pm

I think you are all probably right. I was also thinking that he was embellishing things a little just to get a reaction out of me. I just think it seems a little pitiful if that's what he's doing. After our relationship ended, he told me that he thought I needed serious therapy, but now, I think it's him that needs it more. If he wants to talk to me again about his life situation, I will just have to step aside. However, if he screws up again and cheats on his wife again, his therapist is insisting that he tell her. In some way, I hope he screws up and gets left alone. I know it sounds vindictive, but why should he hurt so many people and come out smelling like a rose? I believe that Karma is going to catch up to him someday.I will try to get back on the "only talk about work" bandwagon again. I was doing a really good job at it, and was feeling so much better. Here I go again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sat, 04-02-2005 - 2:56pm

Happiness

If at first you don’t succeed try try and try again until you do, the only key to success is not quiting.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Sat, 04-02-2005 - 4:52pm

(((IVHappy)))

<<>>

My XMM keeps trying to put his foot in that "closed" door as well, but whenever he wiggles a toe in, I slam it hard! I'm surprised he's still walking with all of the toes I have broken ;)

I *KNOW* how difficult it is not to want to ask questions or get a feel for what's happening in his life, but understand that the cliche "What you don't know won't hurt you", TOTALLY applies when an affair is over and you still see them all of the time.

Indifference must be utilized 24/7 even if you are forcing it. Eventually (as in my case), I no longer have to play act. I really *don't* give a rat's patootie what's going on with him any more.

Id




Edited 4/2/2005 5:57 pm ET ET by id_diosyncrity

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 04-02-2005 - 5:57pm

If xMM is 100% happy in his marriage, as he stated to you, then he should have no problem introducing his wife to the ex-GF, apprise the wife of ex-GF's current dilemma and then keep all meetings with xGF on the calendar he shares with his wife.


As to why he thinks you really would want to comment on his "situation" is simply another ploy to create some kind of contact with you other than work. And he succeeded: you gave him your opinion.


The next time (and I'm sure there will be a next time) that xMM "asks your opinion" on a non-work related relationship, I suggest you merely answer that "that is something you should discuss with your wife. I'm not your wife." This will once again set a clear boundary on the contact between the two of you to be only work-related.


No more crutch for him...YOU are NOT a