He's telling his wife

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
He's telling his wife
15
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 2:17pm
After ending our 2 year "fling" about 2 months ago the OM decided to start seeing a counselor. The counselor has suggested that he tell his wife everything...including my name. I'm desperate here. We all work at the same company. I have begged and pleaded with him, but he said he is taking the counselors advice and will probably tell her. He's still deciding, but I get the feeling that he will divulge everything. I'm so scared. He could be fired. I could be fired. This can't be good. I have told him repeatedly that it's over and I mean it. The counselor is telling him that the only way to move on, completely end it, and have his wife trust him completely again is to confess everything. What am I supposed to do? Please, please give me some advice. I need some serious help. I can't eat. Can't sleep. Can't do anything. I feel helpless.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 3:04pm
I don't understand why a counselor would make their patient tell their W about the A!??? I am going to counceling myself and if my therapist told me to spill the beans to my H, I wouldn't do it. Plus, whatever happened to confidentiality???

When I had my first session with my counselor, I was VERY nervous because here I am telling her about my A and I hope that it won't leak out. If you know what I mean? I strictly told her NEVER to call me at home, or work, because sometimes when you give out your home tel# to a doctor, they have a habit of calling you at work or at home, which screams for trouble.

I really hope your xOM does not tell his W about the A and especially tell her who you are. That would be VERY naive of him. If that does happen, I would deny it if his W confronted you.

My counselor told me that if my H doesn't know about my A, then I should keep it that way. I think that's the right to say coming from a counselor.

Be strong, I know it's a difficult situation. Maybe mention it to your xOM that if he does tell his W about you, you can all lose your jobs. Is that the way your xOM wants to resolve the situation???? I don't think so!

I honestly don't see a point in your OM telling his W about the A. What she doesn't know won't hurt her. If she does find out, the trust between them will end for sure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 3:18pm
Screwedupgirl:

Different counselors have different opinions on things such as this. Perhaps she feels all cards should be on the table in order to properly rebuild. This has nothing to do with confidentiality. The counselor is not going to tell the W, the xMM is going to. Please be prepared for the fallout if indeed he does tell. Was there a superior/subordinate relationship between you two or is there a specific rule in the workplace? If not, it will just probably create a lot of tongue wagging and your upward mobility in the organization could stop. In other words, don't look for any promotions. Many times one or both people are better off finding jobs elsewhere.

JMHO



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 3:40pm
Question??

Did he already tell his wife that he had an affair? Is that why he is in counseling? Because if that is why, then complete disclosure (telling the wife everything),IS part of the rebuilding process and counselors will advise that to their clients.

My XMM is my boss. It's a small office and recently we had to layoff everyone. Only Xmm and I are left in this building BUT I ended the affair last May because I greatly feared discovery and I KNOW he would have let me go if his wife told him to. They will do anything to protect their butts when push comes to shove. So, I am sorry, but be prepared for a fallout if XMM feels he has to follow the game plan.

Does his wife work there too? Do you have a policy for no office romances? I think that if XMM fears he may lose his job, he will find a way around all of this but I can certainly understand the stress you are going through in having to wait it out.

I wish I could help you but your best bet would be to COMPLETELY stay away from him, and that includes any discussions regarding this. Keep to yourself, hold onto any documentation that may prove he instigated the affair (if in fact he did) and keep your feelers out for other employment if the bottom DOES fall out.

I wish you luck,

~True~

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 3:59pm

You're making yourself sick over something you can't control.

Love
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 4:13pm
I don't mean to be a cynical here, but do you really think his counselor told him to divulge your identity to his wife????? I don't know about that. I can see the counselor encouraging him to come clean about the A, but not your name. Do you believe him?????

More importantly, the previous poster is dead on - there's nothing you can do about this. It's out of your hands. You can't control the XMM's actions and nothing good can come of you trying. You will just continue to frustrate yourself. Is it possible he's using this approach to get an emotional response from you???? Just a thought...

Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 5:33pm
Hi. Thanks for all of the responses and advice. I am assuming that he is being up front with me on this. All along, he has been very adament about secrecy, so to actually say that it all may come out in the open is a total turnaround for him. I think the counselor is telling him this to clear the slate for his marriage. Wipe the slate clean and start over. No, he hasn't told his wife about an affair, so she has no idea at this point. Yes, I am making myself sick about this. I am physically nauseous about it. He is in a supervisory position. I have told him that he could lose his job over this, and I hope that weighs heavily on his decision since he clearly makes the most money in the relationship (She only works part-time). They have two kids (one very small) and I know she couldn't do without his money in the relationship. That being said, I am just concerned over how he thinks this can improve anything. My opinion is that if she doesn't know...why bring up this terrible, painful situation to her? I don't want to be with him any longer (honestly). The thought turns my stomach. I just want to move on, but I do love my job and the other people that I work with. If push comes to shove, I will either deny, or come out with both barrels blasting at him. I sincerely feel sorry for his wife in all of this. The funny thing is...as he was telling me that he was probably going to tell his wife, the look on his face was one of sheer agony. He looked as if he didn't want our relationship to end completely, but was being forced to do so. I hope he is in agony. I hope he feels this pain.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2004
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 6:50pm
First thing you need to do is to find out if there is a policy against office affairs. If there isn't one, then you will only be dealing with a small scandal. These things blow over very quickly. Is he in a supervisory or managerial position with authority over you? If so, then sexual harassment plays into the situation. You might have been influenced by his authority to enter into an affair. I'm sure he wouldn't want to disclose to the organization that he took advantage of a subordinate. Even if his authority is not directly related to your job, if he is in a lateral position with someone with authority over you, you have reason to claim sexual intimidation from his position. Of course if there is no proof of an affair, you could just deny it and go on about your business. Again these little office scandals tend to blow over quickly. I wouldn't take his little act of intimidation lying down. Be sure he understands there are consequences to being honest about affairs. He promised you secrecy and he owes it to you now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 7:37pm
He's in a supervisory position in another department in the same company. I looked at our HR info today and didn't see ANYTHING about this sort of thing. I talked to him briefly today (in tears) over the phone and stressed all of my points again. I can only hope that he is listening to me. He's meeting with the counselor next Monday and he said he would take everything that I said into consideration, but I feel like this counselor is sending him in the wrong direction. He seems to really take what she says very seriously. Today, he said that from here on out, we are only co-workers and we both need to act as such. That gave me hope that he won't say anything to his wife if he's considering remaining co-workers. I feel like such a fool b/c I considered him a friend, but he's not. He's just another person that works in my organization. How do you switch from friend to not friend? How do you switch from caring to absolutely not caring. I don't think you can. I just have to be strong, put on a false face in front of everyone, and move on. Baby steps. It's funny. After I start feeling that this is over with, he starts stirring the pot again for no reason. I don't get it. We were home free after 2 years. No one knew. No one has to know, and all of a sudden, he's wanting to spill the beans. I don't get it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 8:28pm
screwedupgirl

Maybe he is just trying to rattle your cage because you ended it and he did not, some guys can't take it when the woman brings the affair to an end.

Juat a thought

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 8:38pm
Well, he has certainly "rattled my cage". If he's just trying to get a reaction out of me, it worked. It was a mutual ending, really. And I thought things were going to be ok until that darn counselor came along. I've been physically sick all day. I can't eat. I barely slept last night. I'm a walking nightmare. It's a bad feeling when one person has that much control over you. It's sick and wrong. After crying my eyes out all day, I have come to the conclusion that no matter what happens, the world will not come to an end. I don't have cancer. I am not living in a third-world country. I have a roof over my head (for now). I should be thankful for these things that I do have. If he wants to make this decision to wreck his marriage for something that is over, then I can't stop him. I've stated my case repeatedly. It's up to him now. I guess I will get through this. I think I'm done crying about it.

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