He's telling his wife

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
He's telling his wife
15
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 2:17pm
After ending our 2 year "fling" about 2 months ago the OM decided to start seeing a counselor. The counselor has suggested that he tell his wife everything...including my name. I'm desperate here. We all work at the same company. I have begged and pleaded with him, but he said he is taking the counselors advice and will probably tell her. He's still deciding, but I get the feeling that he will divulge everything. I'm so scared. He could be fired. I could be fired. This can't be good. I have told him repeatedly that it's over and I mean it. The counselor is telling him that the only way to move on, completely end it, and have his wife trust him completely again is to confess everything. What am I supposed to do? Please, please give me some advice. I need some serious help. I can't eat. Can't sleep. Can't do anything. I feel helpless.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 2:23pm
Still doing the waiting game here until he meets with his counselor on Monday to discuss the potential of telling the wife of our affair. I'm resisting the urge to phone/e-mail him to re-plead my case of not telling his wife. I guess I've said enough, right? I've said everything from the potential of losing jobs to the office gossip to the possibility of divorce for him and losing everything. Should I say more? Should I let it rest? He said he would take everything into consideration, but I feel like I'm on a sinking boat. Trying to occupy my time until he's decided what to do. He said he would let me know either way, but I feel like one last effort might be in order. Any thoughts? This really sucks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 3:50pm
My advice? Three words:

Deny Deny Deny

then keep denying. Y'all could get fired and then who's better off? His counselor. I can't believe ANY self-respecting, professional counselor would tell him to spill your dirty laundry too. She has no right airing your issues too. Especially if she hasn't even MET you. Always deny and since the A is over, what's the point to admitting it ever happened? Not like you'd get caught anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 11:58pm
Thanks. Actually, you're right. I could just say that it didn't happen.

In my mind, I've been playing out the different scenarios, and all of them end badly except the one where nothing is said to anyone. So...I'll let you know what happens on Monday, I guess. That's when he's deciding what to do. It's amazing how stupid I think he is right now for even considering this. What a moron. What was I thinking?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 11-13-2004 - 3:28pm

SUG, may I offer my $.02 on your current situation?


DENY, DENY, DENY until you die.


An often-quoted statement that bears repeating here for your sake.


I've read your posts and the responses. Listen to the ones telling you that you can only control your response, not xMM's actions.


Yes, it sucks that 2 years after the affair ended xMM is getting the urge to "come clean" and disclose "everything" about his affair. His motivations to do so are VERY suspicious. As in, "let me hurt my wife again" by telling her about something that is already dead.


I spent years in counseling with several different counselors. NONE of them EVER suggested I disclose to my xW the OW's name, etc. NONE of the counselors EVER suggested I disclose the existence of the affairs. For the very reason that what is over and done with needs to stay in the past and the REASONS for the affairs occuring in the first place is what mattered to be resolved, not inflicting unnecessary pain on a spouse.


So, PLEASE, stop beating yourself up or losing sleep over this situation. Just deny the affair ever occuring.


I think xMM used threatened disclosure to get back at you and re-establish contact with you. Even though it is negative contact. As long as you respond, it keeps the cycle going. So stop responding to xMM or his wife or anyone else around you, for that matter. The affair is over. Leave it in yur past, too. If xMM's wife actually calls you, tell her you have nothing to say to her and leave it at that. You owe her nothing and you don't owe xMM anything either. His marriage, his mess.


Since there's no trace of the affair (no pics, cards, mementoes, etc.), it comes down to your word against his and as long as you keep your answers consistent, the whole thing will drop like a stone......


Good luck and keep in touch,


cl-nre

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Sat, 11-13-2004 - 6:40pm
Thank you. I'll let you know on Monday what happens. I think you may be right that he's just stirring the pot to keep the contact going. I've even thought that he's doing this to possibly end his marriage since I know he's not totally happy. I have decided that I am going to get some counseling as well just to clear my head. However, I'm not going to say anything to anyone outside of the counselor's office no matter what he/she says.

I'll keep my fingers crossed for the best turnout in this messed up situation.

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