He's Trying To Suck Me Back In
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 11-19-2004 - 3:36pm |
After maybe 5 or so weeks (I stopped keeping track of time) of NC, XMM has called and emailed me twice in the last two days. I declined the first call and missed the second. His VM said he would try me back later (which he didn't). The first email was all about how much he is thinking of me and misses me and oh yes of course, his condo is vacant again. In his second email he said that I haven't heard from him because he thought I needed my space and that he wants to talk to me. I have not yet responded to him.
My feelings? Has this man just woken up from a 2 1/2 month comma? He's acting like nothing has happened, like he can just pick up where we left off in Aug. I have come such a long way these last few months and I've made so much emotional progress, how dare he try to steal that away from me.
I have read other posts from women who are just now trying to end things and how much pain they are feeling at this time. YES, I still miss him terribly sometimes and the pain is still raw for me but the healing has begun and I NEED it to continue in the forward direction. I loved the post which defined the word "digress".
I still love him to some degree but I still hate him and I am angry with him for the way he treated me. I honestly have NO interest in IC with him. It's not even tempting, way too much damage has been done and I have too much self respect to fall back into his slimy clutches. I KNOW what would happen if I gave in. He'd get what he wants from me...physical gratification....I won't hear from him for a week (or more).....and the crappy treatment will begin all over again, at least until he becomes a horn toad again....then he'll be nice so he can get what he wants from me and the cycle will begin all over again.
No thanks, I have a wonderful man at home who totally supports me in every way, who treats me great and is not demanding. I am a very lucky woman to be married to such a man. A few hrs. of "feel good" with months of feeling like crap afterwards is simply not worth the risk of losing my family. Be strong ladies, I am here to tell you that I thought I was going to DIE 2 1/2 months ago, today I am looking forward to LIVING a very happy life without XMM.
I am not going to respond to his emails but if he calls again I will answer....to tell him that the time away from him has given me an opportunity to gain a greater appreciation for my husband and my marriage, that I am happy and I do not wish to risk my family to be with him or anyone else.
I do have a funny feeling I will not hear from him though, the fact that I am not crawling back begging him to meet me at his newly vacant condo will damage his precious ego. I'll keep you posted.

I know exactly what you are going through because my A lasted 6 yrs. My H and I were not doing well when the A started. Funny thing is, as time went on my H became a much better person and XMM became little more than pond scum. It's amazing to me that deep down inside I still have feelings for him after all he has done to me. I guess after a long term "relationship" of that sort ends you don't just get over it over night. Even when they treated you like crap.
Hang in there hon. One thing I have learned is that you don't have *control* over your feelings, only your actions. Let the pain and anger happen as it needs to and it will pass. These days, I am feeling better with every passing day.
6 years of an affair...Good grief! How did you do it (I mean emotionally)?
Anyway, please KEEP GOING in THAT FORWARD DIRECTION......go go...
Via your posting, I am aware you no longer have any desire to "deal" with him...but overall, I am concerned his "persistence" will MIRACULOUSLY induce you to succumb to the lure of charm. More concerned that his "success" will be banking on when you feel "vulnerable" again...the temptation is STILL THERE.
Regardless, keep GOING...do not turn back...
Curious to know, even though you had a six-year relationship with him...how do you know for a fact that you still love him to some degree? Humans tend to place "higher" value on things we cannot have...maybe he might fall into that category, you might have accidentally/subconscioulsy glorfied him. In reality, WHAT is it about HIM that made you crave him, to tolerate a relationship that left you empty-handed after each CYCLE?
If you do love him, regardless...remember, it is not defined as "good" love. Love is about making each other feel good, secure and comfortable...that you are willing to do anything for that person. ARE YOU willing to do anything for your exMM? Ex: donate one of your kidneys? Lend him $250,000 (assuming let's say you had to sacrifice a lot to scrape the $$ together- like re-mortgaging your home, dip into your child's college funds, etc..) to avoid having Russian mafia rub him out for good if he does not cough up the $$ by certain time? Think about this. Maybe what you feel/felt for him was merely superficial all along...
My exMM made me feel young (he is a few younger than myself) again...always smiling and laughing, so "happy-go-lucky,"- a direct antithesis of my husband. I realize that if my marriage does not work out...I will, in the future, opt to (and target) date men who smile a lot. I find that extremely attractive. Overall, I know I never loved my exMM; I thought I did. If I did, I would have been willing to sacrifice my future incomes, my posh apartment, divorce settlements, etc.. well, I didn't. Those things were more important to me. I was in love with the "diversion," the option of visiting fantasy with exMM, stress-free.
I have a headache right now so I am going to take a nap and stew over what you have said. I will reply later.
Update: he has still been trying to get a hold of me but I have not made myself "available" to him. He left a message saying he'd be out of town for a week so I have a whole week of not having to think about or deal with the situation.
Hi there BT,
ok, I've given a lot of thought to your last post to me. Here is my response to the very good points you brought up.
<<6 years of an affair...Good grief! How did you do it (I mean emotionally)?>>
How does a crack addict do it? I have no idea, you just keep going hoping that the "high and euphoria" will soon have time to fit you in his very busy schedule. You look for any glimmer that he cares about you because you have a need to feel desired by this man. Not that your H isn't making you feel that way, there is another reason you feel the need. I personally feel that a lot of the last 6 yrs. has to do with unresolved issues in my childhood (not making excuses). I had a very abusive upbringing and both my M and D had affairs throughout their marriages (we knew about it because they fought about it in front of us all the time). I do see counseling in my near future.
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I have thought about this possibility myself. One problem is this....I no longer see the "charm" in his advances. I see them purely as a need to satisfy himself in a physical way. Also, there have been many times in the past when I was resolved in my MIND to call it quits but I was not resolved in my HEART. My heart is not with XMM or the A like it was in the past. Popeye put it best when he said, "I've taken all I can stands and I can't stands no more". I do have a measure of self respect and dignity, I am currently putting that in the forefront of my thoughts.
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After reading this statement I realized that I was wrong in saying that I still love "him" to some degree. In reality what I really love and miss is the euphoria and excitement of the A. Period. To be honest, I have absolutely wonderful friends who deeply love and care for me. XMM does not fall into that category. Not one of my "friends" would treat me as treacherously as he has, if he were only a social friend of mine and he treated me this way, I would have cut him loose ASAP!
What is it about him that made me crave him and tolerate a relationship that left me empty handed every time you ask.
I have no idea. The sex has always been really great but it has to be more than that. All I can say is that I think this is a question I could only answer with the help of a therapist ;)
I absolutely agree with you about the good love/bad love statement. I must say, even though I have felt "love" for him, I have never been "in love" with him. We both established from the very beginning that we would not leave our families to be together. That doesn't change the fact that my heart has played a very big part of my staying in this "relationship" for so long but given that, I have tried to keep a wall up so that I would not be so devastated when it did end (it didn't work so well).
As you mentioned, true love would make you sacrifice your kidney (I might do that if it meant he would die otherwise), lend him $250 K that I had to scrape up (NO WAY). It would also mean that you are willing to devastate the people in your life that mean the world to you. For a fact, THIS XMM is simply not worth any of that.
Thank you so much for your very sobering message, I need to hear those things if I ever have some sort of temporary insanity moments....which knowing me is not an unlikely prospect.
Hugs and Kisses