Hey CL-Noregretsever
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Hey CL-Noregretsever
| Mon, 11-01-2004 - 11:36am |
Hi, I am back. I know this is an ending board, but you give me such good advice, I keep coming back to you. Okay remember the judge wouldn't give me a divorce a couple of weeks ago? Well, he finally granted it this past week, so now I am divorced. The emotions have been a horrible rollercoaster, but I am working through it. Now, I would like to talk to you about ex-OM and help me to handle things. Ex-OM and I have been out of our EMA for 4 years, but we work together so we have never lost contact. Our EMA ended because we were both married and it couldn't go anywhere. Now we are both divorced. OM has a steady girlfriend, but he tells everyone that he doesn't intend to marry her. He says that he is still looking for the right one. He made it clear to me a long time ago that he didn't want to be involved with me again unless I was divorced. He said that he learned his lesson about being in an EMA because that is how he met his second wife. He got in an EMA with her and she left her husband and married OM and then she left him for another man. He got burned very badly and this ruined his trust level and taught him a lesson at the same time. OM has always thought that we would never have a future. I had always told him that I would never leave my husband and I also told him that my family wouldn't accept him because I am white and he is black. OM has been divorced for three years, so he has gone on with his life. I do know that he loved me deeply at one time and I adored him also. When we were in our EMA, he always avoided sex with me. He only had sex with me twice, but then our emotional attachment went on for two years after that. He said that I was different than any woman that he had ever been involved with. He and I were the best of friends and he knew that I loved him for himself and not what he could do for me. He used to tell me that he could talk to me and that I listened to him and that he never wanted to lose me. He used to tell me that the emotional feelings got so strong that he was overwhelmed and it couldn't go anywhere. He wanted more at the time and it couldn't go anywhere. I remember reading one of your posts where you said that in the beginning of your last EMA(with your current wife) that you avoided sex with her because you sensed that something was different about her. You said that you kept a distance from her in the beginning. This is how my OM was with me. Our EMA was about friendship and love, not sex. He used to always avoid being alone with me, and still does. Even after all of this time, he still avoids being alone with me at work. He has a girlfriend(she doesn't live with him)and has a life, but he still avoids being around me if we are alone. He always makes sure that there are other people around. If I try to call him on the phone, he'll start to talk to me like he used to and then he just freezes up when I start telling him how much I still love him. He also avoids my calls when he knows its me. I finally decided that I wanted out of my marriage and I wanted to be with OM. So here I am divorced. I have not told him yet that the divorce is final. I am not going to tell him. I don't want him to think that I am desperate for him. Plus, he is in a relationship and I don't want to interfere with that. It is up to him to end it and then come to me. He will see my divorce in the paper. OM has asked me a couple of times when would my divorce be final and I just told him that I didn't know(because I didn't at the time). I am just wondering if there is still any love in that heart of his for me. I got really mad at him when I told him that I was finally getting a divorce. He told me that he didn't believe me. He said that he didn't think that I would ever leave my husband and my comfortable life. My husband found out about our past EMA when I first moved out and he called and threatened to beat OM up. OM just blew it off. OM told me that he didn't want to get involved in my divorce. So, he hasn't been there to help me through it and that really pissed me off. Was I wrong about that? I also think that I am somewhat of an ego trip to him because no one has ever loved him like I do and he knows it. He knows that I adore him. I have gone to great lengths over the years to let him know that I still love him. I think that he still cares for me, but I don't know how deep it is. I also think that he loves knowing that I adore him. I know that he figures that I will come and tell him that the divorce is final, but since I am not going to do that, I am sure that he will be shocked when he sees it in the paper before he hears it out of my mouth. I just don't want to throw myself at him. What do you think noregretsever? Are there any feelings left and do we have a chance? Do you think that he is watching to see if I will go through with everything or does he really not give a damn? I just want your opinions and guide me in the right direction. Thank you so much.

What do I think, you ask?
I think that right after a divorce emotions are a roller coaster.
I think that because of the roller coaster you are projecting a lot onto the dynamic between you and xOM.
I think that you may be able to have a relationship with your OM in the future.
By the way, he no longer is your OM. He is now your SM, Single Man since you are both single and available. Well, he may or may not be single depending on the level of commitment to the girlfriend. She may just be a female friend, without romantic connection.
I think that time will tell what SM really thinks and feels about you.
Given the newness of the change of dynamic of your relationship (currently it is work only), you may not get answers