Hey Full of love

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Hey Full of love
7
Thu, 10-21-2004 - 2:25pm
Hows it going? Thanks for your posts. I know that I may be too late. I am just hoping that there is still some small hope that he will come around. I can't really get mad at him because I told hom for a year that I would move out before I finally did it. I know that he was surprised when i did and probably found it hard to believe. Anyway, I know I will date other people, but right now, he is the one that I still want. I'll just have to wait and see what happens.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Thu, 10-21-2004 - 2:52pm
I am posting to you since you are the OW. I remember the summer of 2003 is when I first told OM that I would move out. I remember asking him then id we had a chance at a relationship. He said that he didn't know. He said that he knew that the racial difference would be a problem in this town that we live in. He said, "You know, we would probably have to move to another town". Then I told him if my divorce happened, then it would happen sometime that summer. His last words to me during that conversation were, "Well, I'll be around." Of course, I didn't move out until the summer of 2004 and by now he has been dating someone for a year. Do you think that he got tired of waiting? I want to be with him so much. As the OW, do you think that there is anything that I can do that might possibly bring him around once I am divorced?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Thu, 10-21-2004 - 3:40pm

Hi Southerngirl,


It seems to me that race may be a big issue to him now that this relationship can come to fruition.

Love
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Thu, 10-21-2004 - 5:41pm
Thanks so much for your posts. I am glad to find that we have something in common on the racial issue. No, My OM has never dated anyone outside of his race and his current girlfriend is of the same race that he is. He is black and I am white. I am the first white woman that he has ever been with. We are both from this town that we live in, both born and raised here. The racial thing was never a problem for him and it wasn't for me either. But, it is a BIG problem with my family. I had always told OM how prejudice my family were against blacks. His family isn't prejudice, but mine are. I always told him the truth, that if we ever got together, they would disown me. He has always known how much I love him, but he has also always thought that we could never have anything because of the racial thing. He knew that I had a very hard time making up my mind to leave my marriage. He knew that I was unhappy, plus he knew that I was dealing with the thoughts of us being together and how we would handle it with my family. That is why he never thought that I would really leave my husband. But I did and he was very surprised. I wanted him to see that I had made up my mind that I really wanted him and that I didn't care what people thought. I was tired of living my life worrying about what other people think. I have struggled greatly worrying about what my family would think if I got with OM because he is black. I finally got tired of worrying and made up my mind that I loved him enough to risk it all to be with him. I know that this has probably overwhelmed him quite a bit. Well, as it turns out, my family has found out about my past EMA with OM and they have already disowned me because he is black. My mother and dad say they are through with me. The only people in my family that have anything to do with me now are my kids. That is fine with me. I knew it would happen. I was prepared. I sent OM a letter and told him everything. He knows that my family no longer has anything to do with me because of him. So if he decides that he wants to be with me, my family won't be a problem, because they are through with me. My mother even cut me out of her will. So OM knows that I have been through hell the last couple of months and he knows that I have been very stressed. He knows now that I really do love him because I have proven it. He hasn't said a whole lot, but he has tried talking to me and cheering me up. We are trying to keep our relationship business only for the time being. I really don;t have any doubt that he still has feelings for him. I know that he does. I just don't know how deep or anything. He is very good at hiding his feelings. I hope this gives you a little more insight and maybe you can post back to me. It helps me a lot.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Thu, 10-21-2004 - 6:02pm
I can understand so much of what you are saying about how he probably feels. I have always told him how much I love him and want to be with him, but that my family would never accept him. I am sure that he probably got sick of hearing this. I can see this now. I also don't think that he would ever worry about me cheating on him. He knows that I adore him and I have loved him for the past 6 years whether we were in an EMA or not. I know that he is the one for me. I have always known this, it just took me awhile to do anything about it, as far as leaving my marriage. Well, what do I do now? Where do I go form here?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Fri, 10-22-2004 - 6:50am

Where you go from here?

Love
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Fri, 10-22-2004 - 10:44am
Thanks for your answers. Yes, I regret not leaving my marriage sooner. Then maybe I wouldn't be sitting here wondering if I will end up with OM or not. I called myself doing the right thing by staying until the kids were grown. But the fact is, divorce hurts no matter how old or young your kids are. I also realize now that I was just dragging it out and this was not fair to my husband. I wanted out whether I ended up with OM or not. I had not been happy for a long time. I can understand things from OM's side. I do know that about 2 years ago he still loved me very much. He told me everyday how much he loved me. He even continued to tell me this after he was divorced and I was still married. I guess he decided that I was never going to leave my marriage, so he went on with his life. I am sure that it probably surprised him when I did finally leave. I do know that he is not madly in love with this current girlfriend. He basicly has her around to do things with him and to meet his needs. He pretty much told me this. I believe him because a couple of months ago, I asked him if he would ever get married again and he said when he found the right one he would get married. Another thing, he had been letting his girlfriend drive his car to work because hers was broken down. She wrecked his car. When he went to get another car, he got a Mustang. He got the car that he wanted. He is letting her drive the Mustang. She has 4 kids(he doesn't have any kids). So she and 4 kids ride in his Mustang everyday. Now if he were serious about her, he would have bought a more logical car for a family to ride in, not a Mustang. So he got the car that HE wanted and she either drives it or walks. Anyway, I know that he is probably conflicted and confused about the situation with me. I know that there are still some feelings there. I just don't know how strong they are. I know that he got very burned by his past two marriages. He always put his wives and his stepchildren first. He always put himself last. Then it was all snatched away from him. Now he is putting himself and his needs first. He has been going on with his life all the while that I was struggling in my marriage. Thats why I can look back now and see that I should have left sooner. It would not have been fair for me to expect him to wait for me. Now that I am where I am at, I just hope that there is still some chance that he will come for me. I intend to date and go on and live my life after the divorce. I know in my heart though that OM is the one for me. I have no doubt about that. I love him very much. Do you think that I should still go and talk to him after the divorce is final? Please post back to me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Sat, 10-23-2004 - 12:34am

"Do you think that I should still go and talk to him after the divorce is final? Please post back to me."


Yes,

Love