hey what's_going_on eureka moment

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2011
hey what's_going_on eureka moment
4
Sat, 12-08-2012 - 5:36pm

Holy aha moment, you said in another post you couldn't understand how you were lowering yourself for this man and he wasn't moving mountains... Eureka this is me me me, took you saying that for me to get it but holy shiz how come I didn't know that? Now let me just say I'm not trying to sound superior here but in everyway I'm above xap, looks, financial, manners, friends, i could go on you get the picture. Also his wife but omg this is part of my problem, must resonate on this, any words of wisdom people? Clarity I know you got something, you always do! Thanks what's for pointing this out, dunno yet how its gonna help me but it will. Jeez I hope I just made sense lol.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Sat, 12-08-2012 - 11:18pm

That's right...when have I ever had nothing to say about this, that or the other thing...hah! Smile

I think we all lower/demean ourselves just by the very act of engaging in an affair.  Makes no difference if we are more physically attractive/less attractive, well bred/not so well bed, more financially sound/less financially sound, more intelligent/less intelligent than our xaffair partner...that's all external stuff.

As we all find out here, it's what's inside that counts...and by the time we get here, our insides have been turned inside out, and it becomes glaring apparent where we are lacking due to lack of self-awareness.  I don't mean to make anyone feel badly about that...just sayin'.

Fortunately, we can use our crisis as an opportunity to begin the journey of self-awareness and self-betterment.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
Sun, 12-09-2012 - 7:18am

Hey Looking

Glad I could give you an A-ha moment. I'm still not sure why I got myself into a situation, but I clearly remember falling for his attention in the start.

My first impression of my xAP : sleezy, short, ugly, smelly (tobacco), with really bad dress sence. I would never in a million years chosen this man to be in a relationship with. I would not have given him the time of day, I would probably cross the road if I saw him in a dark ally. So what happened to me?

He obviously learnt some tricks along the way of how to score chicks like me - we work together, and he helped me all the time, and laughed at my jokes, he complemented my work at important work meetings. I was insecure about myself - I had 2 small children, I guess I wanted to feel like a women and not a mother, I wanted to be appreciated for who I was, I wanted to feel attractive. He most likely saw right through me, and figured he had nothing to loose. I looked at him and thought -  this guy is "safe" - I would never want to leave my husband for a guy like him and I thought - I am such a catch -  he will do what ever he can to keep hold of me, because hey - I'm attractive, smart, funny, and a whole lot more. Perfect for a naughty little fling! I never though it would be more than that.

By the time I realised I needed to fix something deep inside of me, I was ruined. He was an opportunist through and through - he wasn't tooking for a relationship, he wasn't going to change his ways for me - I was just a cheeting, deperate housewife in his eyes - what good would I be as a girlfriend??? Took me ages to realise he saw he as nothing else that a cheep (FREE) thrill in the bathroom at work - it still hurts to think I lowered myself, but I was so scared of being rejected, that I instinctivley chose someone that would not say no to my advances. The fact that in my eyes this man should have been counting his lucky stars to be with me, was now the one calling the shots, only compouded my feelings of worthlessness, and worsened my insecurities. I was so scared that he would reject me during our A, that I accepted his bad behaviour, his disappearing acts, his insults and him contantly disppointing me. The more he noticed he could get away with it, the more he walked all over me emotionally.

I am 100% to blame for my A, I chose an "easy" target in the hope I could have someone to adore me, and make he feel good about myself, an escape from my life and a distraction from the real problems I had.He fulfilled his side of the bargan, but it wan't enough, it would never be enough, because everytime he rejected me for whatever reason, the place in my heart where my selfworth was, went more and more into minus! He was never going to be able to fill it up for me.

My journey has been to learning to accept and take responibilites for who I am, and standing my ground. I am who I am, if I'm boring and sensible and love my children to death and rather spend my weekends at home than anything else - who cares! I'm weird, and quiet and sometimes feel unconfortable in social situations - so what! so what! so what! so what! this is ME!!

Love WGO

Every recovery is a kind of rebirth
Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Sun, 12-09-2012 - 7:43am

WGO,

Welcome back to helping others see the reality of the situation.

Honesty with yourself, seeing it for the way that it really was, not the fantasy that we wanted it to be............one of the keys to recovery.

Acceptance with yourself. Weren't we all lowering ourselves to our AP to fulfill some crazy fantasy that we were having? I've never heard one case where we were moving up. :-)

It helps to read the truth.  It is stated many times over. Over and over. Yet we resist it thinking that we are different. LOL

Until the day comes that we accept it for what it was, we are doomed.

Welcome back.  We missed you. You have made another victory for the good side.

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

Avatar for Sogladitsanewday
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2012
Tue, 12-11-2012 - 1:56pm

Hi!I'm replying to WGO's post here, WGO you said

My journey has been to learning to accept and take responibilites for who I am, and standing my ground. I am who I am, if I'm boring and sensible and love my children to death and rather spend my weekends at home than anything else - who cares! I'm weird, and quiet and sometimes feel unconfortable in social situations - so what! so what! so what! so what! this is ME!!

This is ME too WGO, nothing weird about you, nothing weird about me either, we are just who we are. I'm quiet too, a homebody, uncomfortable in social situations, would just rather not if given the choice. Unfortunately we seem to live in a world where the "norm" is being an extravert, having loads of pals, socialising as much as possible, and so we can sometimes feel like that's what we should be trying to do too. Why? I don't want to. I'm friendly, I get on with people, I love my family, I'm not antisocial, I'm just an introvert, I enjoy my own company and don't need to be surrounded by lots of people to feel alive.

If that's what makes us happy WGO then good for us, we don't need to change, we don't need to be who we're not. I am a happy introvert, I am comfortable in my own skin with my own thoughts to keep me company.

Love Soglad x o x