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| Wed, 02-03-2010 - 3:30pm |
Hello-
I’ve been lurking here for a couple days, reading and taking this all in. I’ve been hesitant to post because I’ve spent so much time thinking and writing about my situation already, but I feel compelled to do so.
First, I want to thank all of you who have posted your stories, helpful tips, quotes, etc. I’ve read through The Healing Garden and feel a renewed sense of hope about my situation. You are all very brave for putting it out there and supporting each other. I wasn’t looking for this support group, I stumbled upon it, and I am so glad that I did.
I am on day 7 of NC, with 2 weeks of LC before that. My XAP/MM was first an acquaintance, then a co-worker and developed into a close friend. We confided in each other about our failing marriages and over time, we developed real feelings of love for each other- we were meeting as much as we could and we’d spend hours just talking. We came to depend on each other more than our spouses and our other close friends.
The A lasted a little over a year and I finally put a stop to it last week after several failed attempts. The A was purely emotional, but it was the most intense experience of my life. He had become so integral to my daily existence. There is definitely a hole in my life where he had once been. And I know so many of you can relate to this. I finally reached my awakening or “enough is enough” point. I wasn’t getting from him what I needed and it was making me miserable. Whether he loves me or not is not the point. He finally made it clear that he owed his wife one more shot and that was all I needed to hear. I could not be here for him anymore while my heart continued to ache within my chest.
So now, 7 days into NC I find myself actually hopeful about the future- I am out of the cycle of pain. I am not waiting around for answers. I am blessed to have a H who forgives me (he is fully aware of the A) and is willing to work on our marriage. We will start CT soon and I am looking forward to it.
Now that I am standing on this side of the A, I realize how much time and energy I was devoting to it. It is nice not to feel chained to my cell phone waiting to hear from him. It is liberating to get work done at work and feel like I’ve done a good job. I definitely know I made the right decision. And even though I will have set backs and there will be waves of sadness, I know that they pass and I will be ok. Like I said, I had had enough and I am ready to move forward.
So, what’s my point? Besides wanting to thank all of you and share my story, I do have a dilemma. My XAP and I work together. I am the editor of a magazine and he is one of my photographers- luckily he does not work in my building and I do not have to see him everyday. But, there is need for communication via email and there will be times when I need to see him for a photo shoot. My question is, knowing how important NC is, how to I manage the professional aspect of this? Any advice? Luckily, our next assignment is over a month away so I have some time to do some more healing before I have to see him. I’ve been tempted to shoot him a note to make sure we will still be able to work together in light of the ending of our A, but I am sticking strictly to NC right now while I repair myself. Any insight you can offer is appreciated.

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Welcome, Jane, and thank you for sharing your story.
Jane~
I'd like to welcome you to endings and thank you for sharing your story. Congrats on the 7 days of NC and if you are able to get another month under your belt, all the better. I've been in LC for almost 6 years now and we work every day together. The first 6 months or so were tough, but as each month passed, we both became more accustomed to the change in routine and the presence of professionalism that needed to return. You can do this too. You have to act indifferent/professional until you actually feel this way. It's a fake it until you make it mind set. Of course the past will slip in every now and then where you will feel
~Iddy~
I'd keep whatever contact you need to have with him via e-mail if possible. Also make your sentences short and to the point. If you are able to try to only e-mail 3 sentences in regards to whatever work it is. Signature at the end ofthe e-mail should be professional rather than just your name. HTH
Thank you all for replying. Today I am feeling even better than I did yesterday. This really is empowering. I've finally taken control.... and I gained a lot of that strength the first few days by sifting through posts here, so thank you for that.
To answer a question above, H is not thrilled that XAP and I work together, but H and I sat down and discussed the "rules." I am to always inform H beforehand when or if I expect to see XAP. H does not want to find out afterwards and/or wonder if I am seeing XAP without telling him. It will take a long time to rebuild the trust- I know that- heck I don't trust myself, but we are working on it day-by-day. I am amazed how freely he is willing to forgive me and how he seems so eager to help me get through this so that he and I can come out together on the other side of this. I am blessed.
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Hi, SOJ:
welcome.
LovelyStarr
"Enlightment is not a matter of imagining figu
I took the advice posted here and sent my first work email to my XAP yesterday afternoon. I had put it off for several days because I knew I was not ready. I labored over the note, making sure it was not too short, not too long, contained nothing personal, but didn't seem like I was a cold bitter bitch- just someone who can take the moral high ground and move forward professionally.
The email was 3 sentences long. It was completely work related. I signed it with my full signature... so why today do I feel so vulnerable? I gleaned a lot of strength from my 7 days of NC- I felt empowered and in control. Now here on day 8, after having sent a professional email, I feel like I've taken 3 steps backwards. XAP has not responded to the email and that is driving me crazy. I am trying hard to wrap my head around this emotion. I tried to prepare myself for whatever response or lack of response came back... but I find myself obsessing over it and I can't stand it. I hate this control he has over me.
I realize it's only day 8 into my NC... and that many of you have been NC for much longer and have expressed your ups and downs... I just need help getting out of mine right now.
Thank you all for reading and lending your insight.
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Secret,
Just think about this for a moment. If you received an email professionally written, telling you to basically"Hit the road, Jack," would you honestly want to respond to it? His ego has been socked a hard blow and he is probably off licking his wounds right now. You need to NOT take this personally that you haven't heard back. There really isn't much more the guy can say. All he can do is accept the situation for what it has morphed into,
~Iddy~
hang in there. you're doing fine.
it's so hard to erase the tape in the mind.
LovelyStarr
"Enlightment is not a matter of imagining figu
I'm proud of you! You have not taken 3 steps back, but forward. It will take time for it to feel ok about it and get used to the new work relationship you have with him
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
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