Hi and Help- we work together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Hi and Help- we work together.
17
Wed, 02-03-2010 - 3:30pm

Hello-

I’ve been lurking here for a couple days, reading and taking this all in. I’ve been hesitant to post because I’ve spent so much time thinking and writing about my situation already, but I feel compelled to do so.

First, I want to thank all of you who have posted your stories, helpful tips, quotes, etc. I’ve read through The Healing Garden and feel a renewed sense of hope about my situation. You are all very brave for putting it out there and supporting each other. I wasn’t looking for this support group, I stumbled upon it, and I am so glad that I did.

I am on day 7 of NC, with 2 weeks of LC before that. My XAP/MM was first an acquaintance, then a co-worker and developed into a close friend. We confided in each other about our failing marriages and over time, we developed real feelings of love for each other- we were meeting as much as we could and we’d spend hours just talking. We came to depend on each other more than our spouses and our other close friends.

The A lasted a little over a year and I finally put a stop to it last week after several failed attempts. The A was purely emotional, but it was the most intense experience of my life. He had become so integral to my daily existence. There is definitely a hole in my life where he had once been. And I know so many of you can relate to this. I finally reached my awakening or “enough is enough” point. I wasn’t getting from him what I needed and it was making me miserable. Whether he loves me or not is not the point. He finally made it clear that he owed his wife one more shot and that was all I needed to hear. I could not be here for him anymore while my heart continued to ache within my chest.

So now, 7 days into NC I find myself actually hopeful about the future- I am out of the cycle of pain. I am not waiting around for answers. I am blessed to have a H who forgives me (he is fully aware of the A) and is willing to work on our marriage. We will start CT soon and I am looking forward to it.

Now that I am standing on this side of the A, I realize how much time and energy I was devoting to it. It is nice not to feel chained to my cell phone waiting to hear from him. It is liberating to get work done at work and feel like I’ve done a good job. I definitely know I made the right decision. And even though I will have set backs and there will be waves of sadness, I know that they pass and I will be ok. Like I said, I had had enough and I am ready to move forward.

So, what’s my point? Besides wanting to thank all of you and share my story, I do have a dilemma. My XAP and I work together. I am the editor of a magazine and he is one of my photographers- luckily he does not work in my building and I do not have to see him everyday. But, there is need for communication via email and there will be times when I need to see him for a photo shoot. My question is, knowing how important NC is, how to I manage the professional aspect of this? Any advice? Luckily, our next assignment is over a month away so I have some time to do some more healing before I have to see him. I’ve been tempted to shoot him a note to make sure we will still be able to work together in light of the ending of our A, but I am sticking strictly to NC right now while I repair myself. Any insight you can offer is appreciated.

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Mon, 02-08-2010 - 12:10pm
yes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2009
Mon, 02-08-2010 - 1:03pm

Hi Jane,

How are you doing today? I agree with Deeulta that you should just send the short note as if he is any other colleague. Just act as if nothing is between the two of you.
I know how hard it is, honey, it's SO hard , that stupid LC thing.
My xAP is my neighbor, so I know what you're talking about.
But you can avoid him in the building, right? That's good.

Hugs,
htgo

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Mon, 02-08-2010 - 1:44pm
Hi- I am doing relatively well today. I still think about him lots and miss him, but the NC is really helping me... and I guess that is why I am so terrified of LC. I don't want to feel that pain. I don't want to see him. Luckily, he does not work in my building. He is a freelancer that I work with. I won't have to see him for another month or so, but I do need to email him about upcoming assignments. I am terrified that it is going to spark too much in me. There has been nothing from him since I told him it was over. I don't want this to tip the scales.
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2007
Mon, 02-08-2010 - 7:56pm
I'd wait as long as possible for him to e-mail back before the deadline even if it is just another 2 or 3 days. If e-mailing him about the upcoming events is too hard for you at this point, then hold off on it till you are feeling stronger - put it out of your mind for a week or 2 if you can.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Tue, 02-09-2010 - 6:14am

Secret,


I agree with Blue Belle. Hold off as long as you can and continue building your resolve. Even a week or two more will have your mind/heart on firmer ground. Worrying over something that doesn't need to be addressed at the moment is physically damaging, so try to put it out of your mind for the time being. Deal with it when it's absolutely necessary, but until then don't waste one more day stressing over XAP. He's just not worth it, honey.


(((Hugs))

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Tue, 02-09-2010 - 8:28am
That is very good advice. It's been 5 days since my "it's done" and "business only please" email. I haven't heard from him, so apparently I got through loud and clear. I can certainly wait a couple days, even a week before contacting him for his upcoming assignments. I know that the more space I put there, the easier it will be. I did draft the email and I will let it sit there until I absolutely have to send it. Thanks again for all of the advice. Today is day 12 NC and I am very proud of myself. I refer back to the Healing Garden whenever I feel weak and it really helps.
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Tue, 02-09-2010 - 11:42am
Sigh- and just as I was chugging along in all of my strength- surprise, the first email from him in 12 days comes through. It is a work related email only- showing that he is respecting my wish to keep it professional, but why then do I feel like I want to throw up? I think it was easier when I could pretend he doesn't exist. But the fact is that he does... I know this moment will pass. The first one is out of the way and I am still alive.
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/

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