Hi, can someone help me.
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| Wed, 10-27-2004 - 6:50am |
Its been a long time since i have mailed here.
I began mailing when i could not cope with the breakup of XMM.
I then posted to say i was doing great and to give others a boost.
Now i am not sure what to say, i am very confused, still hurting a little but really feel like i have no purpose in life a anymore.
I have been back talking to XMM with a while, i treat him now like a friend, i dont stop myself from ringing i dont ring often but now and again, he never rings me to c how i am, NC never really worked only 4 3 weeks at the most.
I work with XMM therefore c him everyday. I feel at times that i am over him but then get into a terrible down and feel very bitter.
All that is in my head now is 4 his wife to know that we are still friends, she found out about us and warned him never speak to me again. But he did not do this he continued to talk to me only didnt when i would not speak to him.
I dont know quite how to deal with all this anymore. I am in conucelling with my husband and feel that things are improving. I am still not sure if i love MY husband but want to love him.
I feel lost and very lonely. The weekend i did a terrible thing. I rang XMM mobile late at night when i was drunk and said his name, his wife answered not him.
I am in work now and have rang him and to c how he was as i was worried he would know it was me and be mad. He was fine to me.
Should i tell him the truth, that it was me who rang. I feel like i am falling apart again.
XMM did really bad things, treated me bad and was always mean and selfish. I feel like he has complete control over me and a hold over me that no one else has.
I make him my whole world thinking about him all the time and i am sick and drained from it.
I dont know anymore how to deal with and get passed all of this.
Thanks for listening,
Kerry

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Trust me, I know everything I am saying is easier said than done, but I truly believe that you are a strong indiviudual who is stuck right now between a rock and a hard place. With time and self confidence you will get by this..
Be Strong
I know i need to put more effort into NC and i have made a promise to myself i will.
I do want my marriage to work and it braught a smile to my face to hear that i can love my husband again.
When it comes to this man i feel like a helpless child i let him run my like and take all controll over me.
As you said he does not bother to ring to c how i am.
From now on i will do the same.
HI Everyone,
As you can see from my previous post it has been a long time since i have been here.
I somehow wanted to come back and talk.
I think i have come on a bit. I did a terrible thing to XMM - i scratched his new car twice. I am ashamed of what i done - i was angry and upset with him. He now wants nothing to do with me and pretends i dont exist. I said it was not me but he did not believe me.
Since i was last here i have also told my husband of my affair. I want to go forward now and stop living in the past. My husband has forgiven me and we are getting there slowly but surely.
I am still very shaken up by the events of the past few years. the affair started in May 2002, ended in July 2003 but the friendship and contact did not end untill last month. I have had NC with XMM since last month and today is the first day i will see him since 3 weeks ago. I feel nervous and sick. It kills me that he now hates me.
I can now see that all of the past events have alot to do with my childhood - my self esteem - my dad violently abused me for years and my brother sexually abused me - i have alot of things to work through but am now in concelling and am getting help.
I think the fact that XMM did rejected me and did not leave has left me deeply wounded and hurt. He never treated me right - if any of you remeber me i settled for the very least - a 15 minute meeting a week and there was months when i did not see him only in work - at that he made little effort to ring etc - i did all the running to him.
He did love me very much but is a very selfish man so took all but gave little back.
I hope and pray that 2005 will be my year - my happiness - my marriage will go from strenght to strenght and i will heal form all the betrayel in my life.
I am only married 2.5 years, the affair started b4 i got married. I am with my husband 10 years - he is a truley wonderful man but very involoved in his hobby so was not home alot - only weekends and late at night - that now has changed and he has put me first.
I dont know what else to say only today is proven to be very hard for me - for the past 3 years i have made XMM my whole life but no matter what this year he is not going to be that, he is going to be the past and i am feeling very mixed up and sick at the thaught of seeing him today - i will only see him in the canteen - i will not have to talk to him or anything - but i have made up my mind for 2005 he is not going to be in my life - i need to heal and i need to be strong.
I have support from my husband and friends but most of all i need to find the strength within and hold onto it this time to pass XMM and keep walking.
Please anyone with any advice or words to keep me strong email.
Have any of you done anything like what i done to his car before - if i had not done that then he would not hate me, then it would not be so bad.
Very confused but optimistic, a new year, a new way in work.
Thanks for listening.
Kerry. xxx
Kerry, first of all, you have to stop lying. You need to tell the truth and own up to your actions no matter what you do. (That doesn't mean I think every MW should tell her H about her affair.)
Now with that said, you need to tell XMM the truth about his car and offer to pay for the damage. You need to do this NOT for XMM -- who cares what he thinks?! -- you need to do it FOR YOU. It will build your character, set things right with The Universe, and give you a good start for this new year and on rebuilding your marriage.
I'm sure everyone on the board is going to disagree with me, but I don't care.
And if you can find another job, do it.
Hi there,
I cant tell him - he hates me enough as it is.
I hate myself for what i did - i never want him to forget me.
So i cant make him hate me anymore.
I have told my husband the truth and i am not lying to him anymore.
Like i said - a new start - a new beginning.
If i told XMM what i done he would despise me.
I have to also look at what he has done to me. I was 14 yrs younger than him and getting married 6 weeks b4 the affair.
He would not let me walk away and then he did walk and i have spent the last 2 years trying so hard to rebuild my life and get over him.
I saw him today, it was sad but i have to be strong.
Kerry.
Kerry,
Try to step outside of the box and listen to yourself hon.
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He obviously already knows that you are the one who scratched his car. You yourself say that you can't make him hate you anymore so what do you have to lose by owning up to it? I'll tell you what you will GAIN. Self respect. You feel absolutely lousy about yourself for doing this. I believe if you tell him what you did he will no doubt be very angry with you for a while (but then again he already is, right?) but over time hopefully he will realize that it took a lot of humility for you to admit your mistake to him and I think he will have more respect for you for it.
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Kerry, I totally understand how you must feel like the victim here. Especially given your background (which by the was not too far off from mine) you HAVE been the victim so many times in your life, it has become a comfortable role for you. For a very long time I also found myself with the "poor poor me, he used me" syndrome. This board has been a godsend to me in so many ways, one of which is to make me realize that I must take FULL responsibility for MY actions. I knew going into the A that it was wrong, and that it would never be a "normal" relationship. However, my expectations were totally off base. I imagined that this man would absolutely adore me, think of me every min. of the day, do everything within his power to be with me yada yada yada. When it didn't go that way, I felt "USED".
BAM.....the reality is that both parties WILLINGLY enter into what amounts to a dysfunctional relationship that will never bring about emotional satisfaction. Ok, you are 14 yrs. younger...so what? I take it you ARE NOT 14 though right? You are an adult with the ability to judge right from wrong, you could have said no.
The fact that you were 6 weeks away from getting married certainly does not make you the victim here. You were getting married! If you had doubts about the man you were going to marry and feelings for another man, you probably should have postponed the wedding to get your life sorted out....hind sight now though.
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I'm not sure what you mean by "he would not let me walk". Do you mean to say that he physically kept you hostage somewhere? You are in control of your life and your actions, if you didn't walk it was because you chose not to, not because he wouldn't let you.
I realize you are hurt and angry, those are emotions that come with the package. You must start owning up to your actions and not shifting blame for all your hurt on someone else. Once you do that, it will be much easier for you to start to heal.
I'm not trying to be harsh, it's just the reality that most if not all of us here on this board must face. Please listen to the advise given here, it is good advise and it can help turn your life around. I and these people here really care.
God bless
CG
Edited 1/10/2005 12:12 pm ET ET by cowgirlsup
Kerry
I don't believe that you should be talking to XMM period, yes you should make amends for the damage you did but let your husband do the talking for you, you keep no contact.
As for XMM hateing you SO WHAT, the only man you need to be worried about is the one that gave you his life when he put a wedding ring on your finger.
Free
Wait a minute -- did Kerry say her H knows about the A? Did I miss that? I don't think so? But even if I did miss something and her A does know about the affair -- I disagree. Those two men should not be talking to each other. Kerry needs to tell XMM about what she did and offer to pay for it. She's a big girl, and she needs to do it. Since when did we start hiding behind our Hs -- or any man?
I totally agree with bella, sometimes we need to break NC to take care of business. In this case I highly doubt that there is a danger of the A being rekindled as a result of Kerry fessing up to vandalizing XMM's car.
JMHO though.
CG
I agree with Free and Bella...
You shouldn't be talking to him, but you do need to pay and your husband shouldn't have to be part of a dirty mess he had no choice in.
The solution? Tell an attorney what you did, have him contact and get the damages. You pay the attorney, he pays exMM, your karmatic duty is done and you have a whole new beginning without any past "debts" to work off in your head.
It doesn't matter if he hates you. He deserves his car to be repaired and you deserve a clear conscience. This is the only way to do it.
In the long run, his hate will turn to indifference (as bad as that sounds) but fortunately so will what you thought of as feelings for him.
Rekindling that flame with your husband and paying for the mess you made is the first step down that path to recovery.
Take it now!
Hugs to you and good luck!!
"When I meet a man, I ask myself 'Is t
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