Hi, can someone help me.
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| Wed, 10-27-2004 - 6:50am |
Its been a long time since i have mailed here.
I began mailing when i could not cope with the breakup of XMM.
I then posted to say i was doing great and to give others a boost.
Now i am not sure what to say, i am very confused, still hurting a little but really feel like i have no purpose in life a anymore.
I have been back talking to XMM with a while, i treat him now like a friend, i dont stop myself from ringing i dont ring often but now and again, he never rings me to c how i am, NC never really worked only 4 3 weeks at the most.
I work with XMM therefore c him everyday. I feel at times that i am over him but then get into a terrible down and feel very bitter.
All that is in my head now is 4 his wife to know that we are still friends, she found out about us and warned him never speak to me again. But he did not do this he continued to talk to me only didnt when i would not speak to him.
I dont know quite how to deal with all this anymore. I am in conucelling with my husband and feel that things are improving. I am still not sure if i love MY husband but want to love him.
I feel lost and very lonely. The weekend i did a terrible thing. I rang XMM mobile late at night when i was drunk and said his name, his wife answered not him.
I am in work now and have rang him and to c how he was as i was worried he would know it was me and be mad. He was fine to me.
Should i tell him the truth, that it was me who rang. I feel like i am falling apart again.
XMM did really bad things, treated me bad and was always mean and selfish. I feel like he has complete control over me and a hold over me that no one else has.
I make him my whole world thinking about him all the time and i am sick and drained from it.
I dont know anymore how to deal with and get passed all of this.
Thanks for listening,
Kerry

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What an excellent idea, you are brilliant!!
Hi Everyone,
I think i am in shock with the amount of advise and reply's i got. Thank you all.
First id like to say the word vandilised was used towards XMM car - it was 2 scratches with a key - 2 small scratches - not anything very noticable. I probably should have said that but the way i am feeling is just unreal - i feel ashamed and disgusted with myself for doing it - but XMM has hurt me and done much worse. Which i know is no excuse for what i done.
I dont think i can admit to him, i need to get on with my life, i will live with the guilt and get over it all. I think the A with XMM has alot to do with my past - i didnt have a father figure and any relationship with a man has been me being the victim - apart from my husband who treats me like royalty - i know you all may find all of this hard to believe but you see the fact that i have always been treated bad by men is what attracted me to XMM when he started taking advantage of me and hurting me by not ringing or not texting or putting me last i put up with it because it is what i know.
The way my husband treats me i dont know - i am not used to be treated well therefore i found it impossible to adapt to this. 19yrs been treated like a punch bag and everything else i did not know how to adapt to been treated well and being good to myself.
Entering into a disfuntional relationship was my choice ( a very wrong choice) and now i am rebuilding my life, i know i was wrong, i know i should not have done what i did, but i am also now realising that i do deserve the wonderful husband i have but most of all i deserve to be happy.
I hope you understand what i am saying - i am angry and hurt but i have come to realise that only i can change that - only i can make up for what i did. I have learned alot from this A, and i have learned alot about myself. In a way i think i became obsessed with the A, i was unable to take the rejection from another man so tried so hard to hold onto it. I know i could have walked away but was not strong enough to do so. That is what i meant when i said that he would not let me walk away - anytime i tried we would end up talking again and it would start up again - XMM know i was not strong enoght to end it so when he did i was devested but look its over now and i am coming to terms with it. It is the past now and i have to learn to move on and let go.
Back to the car there is no point in saying i will admit, i want it behind me, i want to get on with my life and take care of me and my husband now and like you have all said - who cares what XMM thinks - i have to leave him in the past.
Thanks AGAIN,
kERRY.
Hi Kerry,
I just want to tell you that I do understand what it's like to be in a cycle where you gravitate towards people who treat you bad. Since that's pretty much the only treatment you have gotten all your life, it's your "comfort zone" and all you've known. I think it's something that most people cannot comprehend, unless of course they've been through it.
Then when someone wonderful comes along and treats you like a queen, you have a very difficult time accepting the fact that you are worthy of this person and of being treated so good, so problems tend to crop up in those relationships also. My situation is very similar to yours, I have an absolutely wonderful H yet I have gravitated towards others in my life that have proved to be an emotionally destructive force in my life, my XOM was one of those persons.
If it makes you feel any better, without knowing everything that went on I can tell you this, the things you have described your XOM doing.....most of here have experienced those same things. Something that really helped me get over the pain was realizing that men and women for the most part view the A relationship differently and have totally different expectations of the R and the AP. My conclusion was this, yes he was a total jerk to me (he even admitted it) but as far as the little things that hurt, like not calling or emailing, not following through on promises....well, I've kinda chalked that stuff up to the fact that he's a guy and guys just aren't as attentive to that kind of stuff like us women are.
I'm just curious, how old are you if you don't mind me asking? I have found as I've gotten older (I'm 42) I've gotten really good at weeding out the people in my life who are not good for me and cherishing the ones who love me. I don't care what anyone says, I love being in my 40's!
Please remember one thing, you are a very good person and you absolutely deserve the love and wonderful treatment of a man like your H. You did some things that you are not proud of, and all of us have but you feel remorseful and horrible about it which shows that you have a good conscience and you want to do right. I can't read hearts but I'm willing to bet you have a very tender, kind heart. I bet your dear husband would agree.
I sincerely do hope that you start to heal and feel better very soon!
Hugs,
CG
Hi C.G.
Would you believe i am only 26! The XMM is 40. I'm a bit young to have got into a mess like this and so soon into my marriage but as i said i am have learned a big lesson and can now only move on and heal.
I feel i know you already - you are very kind to give me such good advice and reassure me as you have - thank you so much.
I just really now have to keep focused and keep telling myself i deserve the good husband i have and i deserve to be happy.
I am sorry that you have had to go through similar events to myself. It is only now that i am trying to work through my past and come to terms with what happened. Somedays are very difficult, especially when i work with XMM - he has a hold over me that i cannot explain - sometimes i wonder will i stay friends with him but i am only hurting myself by doing that. It is a big horrible circle that keeps going round and rond.
I am probably not making any sense now!
So again - thank you so much - you have been fantastic - a real inspiration.
Kerry. xxx
You're welcome Kerry,
You are traveling down a road I have been on, you may even be walking in my footsteps, so I'm more than happy to advise you of the pitfalls along the way and how to deal with them if I can.
BTW, have you gone to counceling to help you deal with your past? I did a few years ago but I have to admit, I coulnd't handle it. Maybe I just wasn't ready but when she tried to get me to talk about past issues I couldn't even talk past the tears. Did you see pictures of the Tsunami when the wave came crashing up over the buildings? That's exactly how I felt when everything started to get churned up again. I do know that I NEED to go through that but for now my children need me and I don't want to put them through all that. One day soon though.
You might be interested to know that I got married at 20 and my DH is 14 yrs. older than me. The age difference has never been an issue in our marriage, maybe because he is still so fit, active and playful. In fact, I poop out sooner than he does!
Have a wonderful day!
CG
Hi CG,
I dont know how to say this but i broke NC.
I met him and he asked how i was etc and we talked only for a minute but then i rang him. He was very sick over Xmas and was telling me about that etc. I dont know how i feel. Relieved in one way as he does not hate me and is been very nice to me but so confused.
I know i have to move on and having contact with him is not going to allow me to move on. I feel happy with my husband now and confident that we can work, and now look what i have done i have had contact with XMM again.
This morning i found myself rushing into work to try and arrive at the same time as XMM and i did my hair and made a big effort just how i used to before. It has been a while since i done that - i also waited till he was walking to his office so that i would bump into him, this was done deliberately. It's like i have tunnel vision - all i can see and think about is him.
I feel confused - im not sure what to do - i know i do not want this man that i want my marriage and my husband but i still think of XMM 24/7. I cannot understand what hold he has over me. It's like im addicted to him - the minute i get any contact or attention, or when he is good to me i want and crave for more.
I feel ashamed, i want to go home to my husband and love him and have a clear conscience. Like i said i wanted this to be my year with my husband.
Very confused and dont know what im feeling inside. One day at a time now again - today i will not contact him. Hopefully i can find the strength to get past this.
I have made this man my whole like for the past 3 years - i have to change.
Thanks for listening.
Kerry.
Kerry,
Your A has been an addiction for 3 years, that's a long time and it will take much longer than 2 days to get over it. When mine ended, I thought I was going to DIE. It took several weeks before the knot in my stomach went away. This will not be easy for you, you will experience set backs from time to time but you MUST stay resolved. Set backs almost always happen. Don't beat yourself up over it. It's like a diet, you may have a setback one day but be resolved to stay on that diet of NC the next day. Now that you know he doesn't hate you, hopefully that has eased SOME of the pain. My A ended in a very bad way and that added salt to the wound. We have since talked about what happened and have been able to end things in a peaceful way which made a huge difference in my healing.
The fact that you feel he has such a hold on you is proof positive that you need to have absolutely NC with him. I know it's difficult if you work with him but instead of intentionally trying to run into him, try to avoid seeing him at all costs. I truly do know what you are going through, it's taken me several months to get to the point where I don't think of him every day but I feel SO much better now that I am past all the pain. Believe me, going through the horrible pain was very well worth the freedom I feel now that the A is over. I can now concentrate on my family, friends, work etc.
One thing that really was a huge help to me: I found that contact with XOM for six years was a habit, a part of my life and all of a sudden one day there was a huge void in my life. I found other things to divert my time and attention. I took on more classes, more home projects, got a part time job, started doing more things for myself. In a nut shell, I got a life! Try a new hobby, sport, go to the gym, start new projects on your house, look for a new job.....anything to make you feel good and get your mind on other things.
Hey, if I can do it after 6 yrs, anyone can do this.....with time.
Take care,
CG
Hey Cowgirl,
I'm back again - just reading over all the advice you gave me.
Hope you are well.
Things on my side are not so good. XMM and I are talking and emailing in work as much as ever. We have constant contact now everyday.
No fights or anything like that just chats but i don't know it's the same as always like i have not fallen out of love with him at all.
In fact i know i have not. After 3 years i am still 100% totally in love with him. He told me yesterday that he loves me just as much as he always did - i emailed him and asked him did he.
I don't know what to do anymore. It's lovely been friends but it is like i am stuck in time. I have my life with my husband to look 4ward to yet i think about XMM all day every day and crave to see him.
Before i used to email him or ring and he would never ring back but now he is completely different. He never remembers to ring first - i am always the one to ring or email first every day but he always responds then and it's like that for the day - ringing and emailing, ringing and emailing.
I know i love him with all my heart but cannot have him. I have let go all the bad things he done to me. He has a hold over me which i do not understand. I say everyday i will not ring him now today or email and i always end up doing it.
Every Monday i say i will not contact him now first and i always end up doing so.
I am addicted to him and the relationship.
I don't know anymore.
So disappointed with myselp.
Thanks for listening,
Kerry.
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