hi i need advice plsss

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
hi i need advice plsss
7
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 2:58am

HI,
i am terribly confused, and very much in love with a man, but I am also married.
Being married 17 years, have 2 daughters. I went through a terrible financial crunch where my husband was concerned.. post which he was away a lot and i looked towards someone else for suport. A man younger than me just wrote to me on the internet and i replied, he was in the same city, i met him after talking on the phone for about a month. This was 2.5 years ago, and I cant seem to shake him off. We had an affair, meeting at his house.
Over the years I have become too attached to him, though he is terribly stubborn, he will want to meet only at his convenience, and even when i am free to meet, he just has some excuse or other which hurts me like anything. I have tried to break it off several times but about 10 days post the break off he always smses or calls, he doesnt want to let go.

He makes me miserable, becasue we meet only about once every couple of months. Once, i went out with another man, a friend , nothhing more, and the OM was so mad on me he acted like he was my husband. He sulked, and acted very possesive.

Now why would a man, who hardly meets me, behave like that? Please help me to figure him out. He says he adores me, but he is happy chating on the net or on the phone.??!! I must agree, he makes me laugh, he makes me so so happy but I personally need to meet more, get out and have a nice time once in a while atleast. My husband knows of him and thinks he is just a friend so I have not realy got into trouble about that so far.

Things are much better now for my husband and i want to get my life back, but i just cannot take this man out of my mind. And when I try he doesnt let me. Please make me see some sense. Give me a good talking to if necessary because I feel that he is playing me for a fool. He has rejected me so often I am ready to scream, but at the same time, he wants to be in the relationship. Is he mentally unstable?? What should I do?? Someone pls write to me. :-(

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 8:25am
You said "when I try HE doesn't let me"...DOESN"T LET YOU? Girlfriend, you handed over your power. You like the attention, you like the adoration and all the other crap that goes along with an EMA. If you really really want to work things out with your husband then you'll make it so there is no contact with this other man. Simple as that.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 8:28am

trish-

<<>>

Don't take anything I'm about to say the wrong way - I'm only going by what you've stated here. It sounds like you're more unhappy w/ the way he treats you than the actual A itself - which probably isn't the best place to be in if you're trying to end it. It sounds like you're upset about not having the control in the relationship, so I'm guessing that when you've broken it off, a small amount of it has been because you want to show him that you don't want to be treated that way. You want to regain the upper hand. (I'm not saying this is something you even know you're doing)

I'm not sure if you're really asking how to end the A - or if you're asking if you should end it - or if you're asking if he really cares about you. Maybe it's all of the above. The bottom line is, that saying things like "you've tried to end it, and he doesn't let you" - that just means that you're looking for an excuse to go back. That's totally normal, and a lot of us do that. It makes it easier to think we have no control in the situation.

I think you need to decide what you really want. You'll only feel in control of the situation if you figure out your own intentions. If you want this OM in your life, but you don't like the way he treats you, then you should decide that you're too good for that. You should end it out of self-respect. Unfortunately, you have to truly feel like you're too good to run things according to him, or it will never work. You have to be willing to walk away - period. That's a hard place to get to in any R. It takes a lot of strength.

If you truly want to end the A - then it doesn't matter how he treats you, or how often he wants to see you, or how he feels about your male friends. Once you're in that place, you'll know it. If and when you're ready to end the A for you and your family, it won't matter what he says or thinks or does.

Either way, it's totally miserable, and tough - I know that. No matter how badly you want to end things - and no matter how good your reasons are, it's really, really hard to make that decision and stick to it. I'm struggling w/ it myself right now, and it's terrible.

I wish you the best, and I hope I haven't offended you.
Good Luck!
-C

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 11:58am

"he makes me so so happy "

Trish:

No, he doesn't. If he made you happy, you wouldn't be posting on this board. You just need to get truly honest with yourself about this relationship and let it go, before you ruin your marriage. Take it from one who knows.

Silly

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 7:36pm

Trish

You said

"""He has rejected me so often I am ready to scream, """, how can being rejected make you happy ????

I believe you said eleswere that you want you marriage and family more then anything, so that means you want your marriage and family more then this player, the bottom line is if you don't get rid of the affair and XOM sooner or later the affair and XOM will get rid of your marriage and family.

There is no reason to figure the XOM out, but there is very good reason to get rid of him now before it is to late.

JMHO

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 11:36am
Hi C
Thanks much for your reply. No i am not offended you have been honest and whatever you have said is so true.
I will keep all you said in mind, and try not to let him get the better of the me. Yes walking away will be the most difficult thing, because somehow there is that nagging feeling that you will lose the OM for ever. But all said and done, I will be less miserable if i do walk away / end the A.
All the best with your struggle as well, I hope things work out correctly for you and me
Trish
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 11:38am
Yes you are right she, I have to just end it.. I needed this
Trish
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 11:41am
Silly
Gee, I feel strange to call you that, dont take it literally :-)
Thanks, I needed this, he really makes me more miserable than anything and frankly I WILL be better off without that OM
Trish