Hi - I'm back - doing good and bad...

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Hi - I'm back - doing good and bad...
10
Sun, 05-18-2003 - 10:48am
Hey everyone-

Well I'm back from our family vacation. We had a really good time. As far as H and I there was a lot of arguing, but it was a tiring vacation running after two little kids and actually for us there were some good moments too. Believe it or not we had sex after 9 months of not doing so. Only once, and it was pretty short and sweet, but it something to build on. Actually the whole trip was something to build on. It was good.

The last day of the trip I checked my email at the hotel (I had resisted the rest of the time) and there was an email waiting from OM. The message was sent to me and many others inviting us to a surprise birthday party for his wife. I know that is a totally normal thing for him to do, but it just made me think back to my birthday and how he had asked to see me, and then cancelled the day before, because a meeting came up. I was so disappointed. Honestly, to see him put all this effort into her birthday does hurt.

For the rest of that day I felt as though I was a walking zombie. I had been having so much fun before that point, and it had such an impact. It made me realize how truly important it is that I get over this man. I wanted so much to email him and tell him off for just everything. All the hurt I've ever felt. Everything. But its been my own stupid fault. I shouldn't have got involved in the first place and I shouldn't have kept it going all this time. I don't even understand where all this emotion comes from - its so intense. Why does he have this hold on me?

Anyway, as I thought about it all, I wondered if there was any way I could move away from him. I do think he will move in the next year or two, but honestly I don't see that we can. How can I exist with him so intertwined in my life yet heal from all this? Is it possible?

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-18-2003 - 1:18pm
Welcome back Crystal!!!

I'm glad you had a mostly good time, even with some bickering with H... and "short and sweet" is better than nothing at all - and maybe, yes, something to build on...

In a way, maybe it's good that you now realize the effect XMM has on you - the way one email, not even a personal one, can throw you for such a loop... I can't say how to get away from him entirely... I would say that limiting contact as much as possible and being just polite but nothing more is the way to go... If you can find a reason to move and feel it's necessary, then yes - do so... but I can't say you HAVE TO... you will heal - keep coming here and remember things like the pain of him cancelling on your birthday... and how much you love and want to work it out with your H...

The hold on us is intense, and I can't explain it. I also don't know that emailing him will help - NO reply he could ever give will be right or enough... not really... You could, though, write the email just to get it all out. Don't send it to him - heck, send it to ME just so you can hit "send" and feel good... but more contact, emotionally laced contact, is not good and you know that... we all know that, right?

Hugs, and look at the good moments you had on vacation and carry them in your heart back into your daily life... I'm glad you're back!

Glinda

Avatar for crystal_clr
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 05-19-2003 - 10:08am
Glinda,

Its so good to hear from you!! You always make me feel better.

I'm doing a little better today. When I was away, everything was so easy. I was distracted from OM - different place, no computer, having fun...And I think when I got back (as well as the email) it all just hit me like a ton of bricks. I did a little reading last night. I'm probably one of the last on the planet to pick up a copy of Life Strategies by Dr. Phil. In the chapter I read he talked about looking at whats working in your life and changing what's not. He said don't worry about being right or why etc. Just accept that something isn't working and you're going to try something different. Well I can certainly say having OM in my life in any way 'isn't working'. Pining over him isn't working either. What can I change? I guess my attitude. I need to get real (that was the previous chapter) and accept (whole heartedly) that this is a relationship that can never work - never has worked - never will. It is over. Instead of spending precious time worrying and thinking about him I need to focus on enriching my life. My real life - the one I checked out of for so long. (GT, if you're reading this, I know you've been telling me this all along)

I guess my biggest problem right now is finding a way to co-exist with OM and his wife. I just can't see moving. I think the answer is my feelings have to change for OM. I do believe this is possible. I have been very in love with men before that I feel nothing for now. How do I get there? I feel if I can do that, then I won't really care what they're doing. I won't care when she talks about him or when I see him. It won't really matter. I assume that the answer is to burst the fantasy bubble. Really take a hard look at OM and the relationship we had. He could paint such a beautiful picture with his words, but that's his profession. If I look at his actions, he treated me horribly. The scary thing is that I do believe he really loved me. How does he treat someone he doesn't care about? I know when he was mad at me he was incredibly cold. I also know strengthening my relationship with H will make me care less about OM. It is coming. I'm not one to talk about sex, but guess what? We did it again. I must keep this going.

I'm still wishing I could think of a way out of being at OM's wife's birthday party. I'm pretty much expected to be there. Perhaps I could turn it into something productive. I told OM that H and I were doing better and that we would probably start sleeping together again on our holiday (I don't know why I told him that) Anyway, maybe I'll just ensure he sees a happy couple that night. Reinforce that its over. I certainly don't want to be spending much time with him and his wife this summer, but there are some things I can get out of and some I can't and I guess I have to make the best of it and work towards that state of co-existing. I remember Noregrets saying 'Just be Civil' and he's right. I can't live in the 'mad/break-up' stage forever - it must progress to the 'its over' stage.

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-19-2003 - 11:40am
Crystal... EVERYTHING you said was right-on... you are on the right track - just stick with it... Change what you can, try something different - it's not working as it is - so true... (and no - you aren't the last to read Dr. Phil's book - I haven't read it!).

If you figure out how to get to indifference instead of love or hate or anger or any real emotion, PLEASE let me know!!! Show OM that you and H are a couple - but don't put on a big show... just focus on your H and being loving towards him - does that make sense? If you're not even thinking about OM being there, just thinking about changing your behaviors to reflect a healthier marriage, the rest will just fall into place, I think...

Hugs - want to write more but I need to get something done today besides posting here :-)

Glinda

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-19-2003 - 3:25pm
I haven't read it yet, either! Of course, I have this tendency to collect self-help books I read, especially if I find them useful. I have to wait until I have a few extra dollars to get it.

A few years ago, I took a class about co-dependency. The instructor used a book by Melanie Beatty, "Co-dependent No More" for the main text. I kept that book until just recently! I went to look through it again and found it had been ruined by water!! Drats, now I have to buy it again.

Yes, I did see quite a few parallels in my affair relationship with codependency. I allowed myself to depend on him for some of my happiness and a few other things. It definitely wasn't healthy. When I started to see how much I had depended on him, how I would go out of my way to meet with him, to do things to make him happy, I also realized that I was letting the affair run my life! Whoa, time to call it quits!!

~Chris~

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Registered: 04-13-2003
Tue, 05-20-2003 - 1:05pm
Hey dear,

Welcome back. What a treat to have such a nice long vacation. I wish I had the time to take a couple weeks off and do something fun. How long were you gone? I heard something on the radio yesterday that is worth repeating here. I cannot take credit for this sage advice, but I would like to share it. Crystal, how will you ever move forward if you keep looking behind you? If you want to move forward -- focus on the future and not the past. If you are grabbing onto the past, you can never move ahead. What's done is done. Now's the time to change the present and the future. I know you are trying. But if you keep trying to rehash old stuff, it just keeps you from moving past everything. If you are waiting for your feelings to go away FIRST -- you may be waiting for a long time. You may love this guy forever, but if you want to get over him... just realize it's OVER. He is trying to rebuild with his wife too (thus... her birthday party). You should be glad he is focusing on her. When your little green monster rears its ugly head-- do NOT entertain it. I think if you just accept the ways things are, you will not be as tormented. If you try to fight the monster you're going to waste a lot of years being blue and unhappy. I'm sorry for your pain, but there is no easy answer. It's just going to hurt--- but remember it WILL get better, and you are going to be so much happier. Good luck kid. Alwayzzzz
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 05-20-2003 - 2:46pm
Hey, great to hear from you!!

We were gone for nine days in total and it was great! We really had a good time.

As for OM - oh my goodness has it been hard since my return. Its weird. I like your suggestion and I do know the future is with my family. I just can't live in angony any longer. How I wish I'd never met OM - truly.

Crystal

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2003
Tue, 05-20-2003 - 3:18pm
I'm sorry you are suffering. I'm just curious -- if you could have anything you wanted.... what would you do and with whom? You've said you really wouldn't want om if you could have him. And you sound as if your husband isn't the right guy for you either. What is it you TRULY want. If you had your way would you be with EITHER of them. I'm kinda wondering if you're just obsessing over OM because your husband isn't fulfilling your needs.... I did that when I was miserably married to my first husband. He was a nice guy, but after 11 years I realized he was sooo wrong for me. I started falling for other guys be them right or wrong. I just needed some excitement an something to look forward to (even if it was unhealthy). You've always said om wasn't really the kind of person you'd want if you could have him. Is it just the excitement you're lacking?? Do you really think it's HIM you want....Just wondering.

Alwayzzzz
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 05-21-2003 - 8:36pm
Alwayz-

I'm pretty sure that at this point I couldn't have OM anymore - I've kind of destroyed that from ever being an option. So...

What I want is to build as happy a home as I can for my family. I want to forget that I ever had an affair. When I look at OM I want to see my neighbours husband - no more.

That's my goal. All things considered.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-21-2003 - 8:59pm
Crystal

>> What I want is to build as happy a home as I can for my family. I want to forget that I ever had an affair. When I look at OM I want to see my neighbours husband - no more. <<

A noble - and achievable - goal... I want the same - I want to build as happy a home and family and MARRIAGE life as I can... I want the affair to be behind me and not haunt my thoughts day and night... and I want to see, when (if) I see XMM, just a pathetic married (or divorced, maybe) man on the hunt - someone of no interest or consequence to me...

Glinda

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 05-21-2003 - 9:01pm
OK - Great Goals!!

Where do we start? I guess with building the happy home/life/marriage hey?