Hi, I'm new, PLEASE help :( LONG STORY HERE...
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|Wed, 08-01-2012 - 7:17pm|
Hi Everyone, I have been lurking for a couple of weeks and have now joined and wanted to post as I am in desperate need of support.
Here is my story, it's short, and as my name says, I actually think I have dodged a bullet, but if so, WHY am I grieving as though someone has died?
I have been married for 22 years and have a great H. (I must apologise already for not knowing all the abbrieviations as yet). We have communication issues, he shuts down and avoids/ignores me if there is a conflict and it has really damaged our marriage slowly. We also don't have a lot of affection going on, but other than that, it is pretty normal and good.
A few months ago a man I used to be at highschool with added me on fb, and we began to exchange messages. Long story short, he was not anyone I was involved with in the past, and I barely remembered him from highschool, but we started to just generically chat on fb and formed a friendship. He is separated from his wife, has been for almost a year.
We exchanged phone numbers and began to text here and there as well. All innocent for a while, just "how was your weekend, how are your kids, are you busy at work?" etc.
He started to put a kiss after some messages and I shunned that for a while and ignored it, then he started telling me how gorgeous all my photos on fb were and how stunning I was etc (I look after myself but I am no model!) and of course I started to enjoy the attention and feel flattered so our conversations became more personal and we were both then adding kisses and love hearts to our messages. Sigh. I KNEW I was getting into dangerous territory, and for what it's worth, I did resist giving him anything back for a long time. But, in the end, the attention was soooooooooooo nice since I feel that I haven't had that for a long time in my marriage. As a side note, I never really had that head over heels feeling for my husband, even at the beginning, as we were friends in a group of people for a long time before we went out, so knew one another and the relationship just sort of evolved, so there was never that "new person, wow" thing going on for us. So I wonder if I am craving that now, since I missed out with my husband.
Anyway, messages became more and more intense and loving. We ended up meeting up for a coffee one afternoon (he lives about 1.5 hours away from me now so not easy to get together too often) and we talked for hours and hours. Got on so well and at the end, there was the most comforting and warm hug and a kiss. The kiss blew me away, it was the best kiss I swear I have ever had. We both went on our way to head home and within one minute his text "WOW, miss you already" came through. I had at least 10 texts like that on my way home - 15 minute drive - and knew I was in trouble.
The messages went on ALL that night and ALL the next day and he drove down the next day to see me and we spent the day together. Again, hugs and kisses but I told him I didn't know how far I could take this. He told me he would never pressure me to do anything I was uncomfortable with etc. That five minutes with me was worth it, he would take any crumbs I could throw at him etc etc.
The next week I was a mess, realising I could NOT have an affair and could not leave my husband - he doesn't deserve it, and what example would I be setting my kids?
I drove up to see him and we talked quite a bit and I was honest saying I couldn't leave my husband and having an affair would not be real life etc. He understood and agreed and said "what are we going to do?" Again, kisses and hugs but no further, I had made it clear I wouldn't go any further at that point.
The next morning, he rang me and said he couldn't see a way to make this work and we needed to both concentrate on our kids and families and just be friends. I was shocked and heartbroken, that after a couple of weeks of INTENSE texting and he couldn't bear to not have me in his life, he had changed like this. But, I knew he was right and it was the conclusion I was coming to myself as well.
We did continue to text and message very occasionally, not anything like it was before, but we kept in touch I suppose you would say. That was about 6 weeks ago now. Last week, our messages got a little more personal again and we talked about meeting up for dinner, just as friends. For whatever reason, it didn't work out that we could get together when we were planning for. So, that night, he sent me a text that has absolutely SHATTERED ME. He basically said we had 3 choices, we could be great friends but leave out ANY sexual talk, we could be friends with benefits and see if that developed into love at some stage, or I could cut him off. He then said, after much soul searching he believed it was a whole lot of LUST for him at this point, and not love.
I have not had contact with him since that, as I was SO hurt and upset, all his stuff in the beginning did NOT sound like just lust. I am being a big baby no doubt, but I am so hurt and devasted by him saying it was all just lust! WHY did he say that?
I know I am lucky to have not go involved in an ongoing, long term affair and this is for the best and I am now in NC which is what I should be doing.
But, I can't deny it, I am heartbroken. Can anyone relate to the rejection I am feeling like this?
Also, I know I need to get back into my marriage, and I want to, but right now, I have no tolerance or feeling for my H, it is like I just feel NOTHING in that regard right now.
I feel such a mess and cry non stop about AP saying it was all lust!!! That was NOT the impression I got!
Oh, sorry, one more thing (and I am NOT proud of this!!!) - the first time he said he couldn't see it working and we would just have to be friends, a couple of days later I told him I was thinking of separating for a while to figure out what I really wanted. I did feel like maybe I should do this at the time as I was so confused, but I also said it as a bit of a test to AP to see if that would make him realise if I was available we should be together. He didn't say anything along the lines of if I was separating we could have a relationship. Just thought I would add that, in case some thought he withdrew through hurt because I said I wouldn't leave my H or have an affair.
Apologies for such a long story and all the detail, I just wanted to put it all down as I am desperate to get through this hurt and can't talk to anyone about ALL these details in RL. I have a couple of good friends I have told bits and pieces too, but this is the FULL story and I only feel safe sharing it here.
Thanks in advance for your support,