Hi, I'm new, PLEASE help :( LONG STORY HERE...

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Registered: 12-31-1969
Hi, I'm new, PLEASE help :( LONG STORY HERE...
16
Wed, 08-01-2012 - 7:17pm

Hi Everyone, I have been lurking for a couple of weeks and have now joined and wanted to post as I am in desperate need of support.

Here is my story, it's short, and as my name says, I actually think I have dodged a bullet, but if so, WHY am I grieving as though someone has died?

I have been married for 22 years and have a great H. (I must apologise already for not knowing all the abbrieviations as yet).  We have communication issues, he shuts down and avoids/ignores me if there is a conflict and it has really damaged our marriage slowly.  We also don't have a lot of affection going on, but other than that, it is pretty normal and good.

A few months ago a man I used to be at highschool with added me on fb, and we began to exchange messages.  Long story short, he was not anyone I was involved with in the past, and I barely remembered him from highschool, but we started to just generically chat on fb and formed a friendship.  He is separated from his wife, has been for almost a year.

We exchanged phone numbers and began to text here and there as well.  All innocent for a while, just "how was your weekend, how are your kids, are you busy at work?" etc.

He started to put a kiss after some messages and I shunned that for a while and ignored it, then he started telling me how gorgeous all my photos on fb were and how stunning I was etc (I look after myself but I am no model!) and of course I started to enjoy the attention and feel flattered so our conversations became more personal and we were both then adding kisses and love hearts to our messages.  Sigh.  I KNEW I was getting into dangerous territory, and for what it's worth, I did resist giving him anything back for a long time.  But, in the end, the attention was soooooooooooo nice since I feel that I haven't had that for a long time in my marriage.  As a side note, I never really had that head over heels feeling for my husband, even at the beginning, as we were friends in a group of people for a long time before we went out, so knew one another and the relationship just sort of evolved, so there was never that "new person, wow" thing going on for us.  So I wonder if I am craving that now, since I missed out with my husband.

Anyway, messages became more and more intense and loving.  We ended up meeting up for a coffee one afternoon (he lives about 1.5 hours away from me now so not easy to get together too often) and we talked for hours and hours.  Got on so well and at the end, there was the most comforting and warm hug and a kiss.  The kiss blew me away, it was the best kiss I swear I have ever had.  We both went on our way to head home and within one minute his text "WOW, miss you already" came through.  I had at least 10 texts like that on my way home - 15 minute drive - and knew I was in trouble.

The messages went on ALL that night and ALL the next day and he drove down the next day to see me and we spent the day together.  Again, hugs and kisses but I told him I didn't know how far I could take this.  He told me he would never pressure me to do anything I was uncomfortable with etc.  That five minutes with me was worth it, he would take any crumbs I could throw at him etc etc.

The next week I was a mess, realising I could NOT have an affair and could not leave my husband - he doesn't deserve it, and what example would I be setting my kids?

I drove up to see him and we talked quite a bit and I was honest saying I couldn't leave my husband and having an affair would not be real life etc.  He understood and agreed and said "what are we going to do?"  Again, kisses and hugs but no further, I had made it clear I wouldn't go any further at that point.

The next morning, he rang me and said he couldn't see a way to make this work and we needed to both concentrate on our kids and families and just be friends.  I was shocked and heartbroken, that after a couple of weeks of INTENSE texting and he couldn't bear to not have me in his life, he had changed like this.  But, I knew he was right and it was the conclusion I was coming to myself as well.

We did continue to text and message very occasionally, not anything like it was before, but we kept in touch I suppose you would say.  That was about 6 weeks ago now.  Last week, our messages got a little more personal again and we talked about meeting up for dinner, just as friends.  For whatever reason, it didn't work out that we could get together when we were planning for.  So, that night, he sent me a text that has absolutely SHATTERED ME.  He basically said we had 3 choices, we could be great friends but leave out ANY sexual talk, we could be friends with benefits and see if that developed into love at some stage, or I could cut him off.  He then said, after much soul searching he believed it was a whole lot of LUST for him at this point, and not love.

I have not had contact with him since that, as I was SO hurt and upset, all his stuff in the beginning did NOT sound like just lust.  I am being a big baby no doubt, but I am so hurt and devasted by him saying it was all just lust!  WHY did he say that?

I know I am lucky to have not go involved in an ongoing, long term affair and this is for the best and I am now in NC which is what I should be doing.

But, I can't deny it, I am heartbroken.  Can anyone relate to the rejection I am feeling like this?

Also, I know I need to get back into my marriage, and I want to, but right now, I have no tolerance or feeling for my H, it is like I just feel NOTHING in that regard right now.

I feel such a mess and cry non stop about AP saying it was all lust!!!  That was NOT the impression I got!

Oh, sorry, one more thing (and I am NOT proud of this!!!) - the first time he said he couldn't see it working and we would just have to be friends, a couple of days later I told him I was thinking of separating for a while to figure out what I really wanted.  I did feel like maybe I should do this at the time as I was so confused, but I also said it as a bit of a test to AP to see if that would make him realise if I was available we should be together.  He didn't say anything along the lines of if I was separating we could have a relationship.  Just thought I would add that, in case some thought he withdrew through hurt because I said I wouldn't leave my H or have an affair. 

Apologies for such a long story and all the detail, I just wanted to put it all down as I am desperate to get through this hurt and can't talk to anyone about ALL these details in RL.  I have a couple of good friends I have told bits and pieces too, but this is the FULL story and I only feel safe sharing it here.

Thanks in advance for your support,

Dodgeabullet

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Wed, 08-01-2012 - 7:25pm

I usually dont write on this board but I saw your post just listed so I will say.. Get a divorce.. You are obviously not happy in your marriage .. Why do women and men stay with people in unhappy marriages?? I dont get it..

Get a divorce and then date all you want and whomever you want and as much as you want.......why live a lie for the rest of your life.

Good Luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2006
Dodged....

I only have a minute...but you're on the right board. The other poster, not so much. I"ve never seen them on here before and that is not the type of support you'll find here. Please be patient as you'll get some great advice here...it's just been kinda quiet around here lately.

I'll check back in on you later when I have more time. In the meantime try reading through the Healing Library...that's always a great place to start. And if you haven't already BLOCK all forms of communication with him. It's a tough road but it's doable!!

Sending you strength and (((HUGS)))

~~Noway~~
The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Wed, 08-01-2012 - 8:09pm

Hi dodgeabullet

I love that name...mostly because that is exactly what you did...dodged a bullet...a bullet that would have surely richocheted into the hearts of your loved ones. Your story is long, but it's nothing I have not heard before.  Different story...just a variation on a theme.

I know it was hard to here that lust stuff, but he was absolutely right.  You were both in, and would have stayed stuck in, the lusty stage of a new relationship if things hadn't come to an end.  In normal relationships, the couple phases out of that and into the next level when the chemicals settle down and then they decide if they can live with that wart on her nose, or that go-funny eye of his.  Affairs never really develop any further due to the nature of them...the quick and infrequent meet ups, the secrecy...the lusty chemicals become reactivated each time.  If you get a chance, look for the thread on Chemistry 101 to get a better understanding of how and why they become activated in the first place.  

You're grieving because the feelgoods coming your way have died.  You became addicted to his attention and the feelgoods that he provided, and now your pusherman has stopped trafficking.  He was just the pusherman and tapped into the feelgoods you already possessed within.

Please take this opportunity to read through our Healing Library.  You said you've been lurking for a couple of weeks so you've probably gained a sense of what your healing will call for.  I think it calls for the ability and willingness to be honest with yourself and hold yourself accountable, a whole lot of courage to begin to delve into your whys and commitment to self-correct.  

Kudos for coming here and putting your story out...the first sign of wanting to hold yourself accountable.  Seeee, you're already on your way :smileyhappy:

((hugs))

 

 


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2011
Wed, 08-01-2012 - 9:21pm

Welcome to EAS and I am sorry that you are going through this hurtful emotion.  But the good news is that you have indeed dodged a bullet, ONLY if you commit to ending with the guy now.  The heartache you feel now is nothing compaired to the pain you will feel once you enter PA.

He basically said we had 3 choices, we could be great friends but leave out ANY sexual talk, we could be friends with benefits and see if that developed into love at some stage, or I could cut him off.  He then said, after much soul searching he believed it was a whole lot of LUST for him at this point, and not love.

What he is really saying is "I don't care about your feelings, but I will play and have sex with you if you let me. However if you have any self-respect and decide not to let me use you, then see ya."  My xAP shortly after our EA turned PA, would say to me if I ever questioned our R "You are the boss".   I should have ended it the first time he said that, but I was too blinded by the fog.

Save yourself and your dignity and self-respect.  NC - No Contact - is the only way.  Block Block Block all avenues of contact !   It is the hardest thing to do, but I promise you if you take it one day at a time, you will build up your strength, your pain will ease and you will discard JAM from your heart - he does not deserve to be there.

Be prepared also for JAM to coming fishing with a vengence once you institute NC.  Protect yourself and your heart from this act of disrespect.   You dodged a bullet your lucky woman and I am going to have some wine to celebrate for you :smileyhappy:

Take care of you.

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Wed, 08-01-2012 - 9:23pm

You are so right. You have dodged a bullet. The bullet was going to take you out of your M, take you out of your family, and you out of the relationships that you have with all of your family, your friends, your neighbors............all the innocent bystanders that you come in contact with everyday.  You touch many, many lives and whether you know it or not, it would never be the same.

We, who reside here, know your story.  We have all lived it.  We have all been done in by that same bullet and if you have been reading, you know that we have all been hurt by it.

If you are looking for answers, they are all inside of you.  You just haven't asked the right questions yet.  Whatever he said, what ever you said, doesn't matter.  Unless you want to continue the lie.  That's all that it was.  A lie.  A big fat lie. 

The place to start the understanding is in the 'Healing Library', farther down the main page.  It has all of our stories, and they are all the same, just different details.  It's full of stories about lies, deceit, outrageous behavior and some pretty scary stories of what you are always going to be, just one second away from.  It's full of DDays. It's full of broken hearts.  It's full of people who are missing something in their lives and are searching for the unknown missing things.

You are just starting your journey, if, IF you choose to continue. 

The first thing to do is to block his calls and texts and going completley No Contact from him. No Facebook.  No ANYTHING.  It is the only 100% effective way of ending an A.  He will come back looking to reengage.  Prepare yourself for it.  Prepare yourself for that moment in time when you have to make the decision to end it with him, or end your marriage and your life as you know it.  I can guarantee that sooner or later, one of those two things will happen.  It always does. It's now time to start making that choice.

Now is the time to start making your escape from this affair, we are here, we will support you in that effort.  We are pulling for you, I hope you make it.

RatherBeMe

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005

Hi Dodgeabullet

Glad you came back and don't be afraid to post.  You need to post out your feelings.  All we can do is listen, and sometimes try to get you to reframe some of your thinking that leads to hurt feelings.  For instance, you feel rejected, but chances are is not you personally he is rejecting, but the affair itself.  Affairs have an expiration date.  Usually one or both partners begins to see how it is affecting their overall real life and want out.  So try to keep that in mind.  It is the affair he is rejecting.

And about the rejection factor.  Believe me, most of us have felt it.  Whether we were the dumpee or the dumper because even the dumper can feel rejected when their xaffair partner doesn't coming fishing.  And yes, you got the meaning of fishing right :smileyhappy:  And while on that subject, there is a list of abbreviations in the H.L. to help you out.

And, your sense of lovability and worthiness, comes from within.  Please do not let one man...we call him JAM...that's just a man...define who you are.  You are lovable and worthy.  Unfortunately though we are not relaying that message when engaging in such bad behavior...rather we display a lack of self love and self worth...and people follow our lead.  When we start behaving in accordance with our authentic self, which I believe is kind and loving, we are lovable...and we know it and it gives us our sense of self worth.

So, I guess that what I mean about helping you reframe...it can lend a new perspective to a situation to help ease a particular hard feeling.  And that's what great about the Board and all the folks who frequent...many different perspectives.

It's difficult to assess your marriage and feelings about it during an affair...while encased in the fog...and immediately after ending it.  We usually suggest that you get yourself strong and back on solid ground and then you can reassess.  I see it so often, the marriage has issues and then they are compounded by neglect by the affair partner and the betrayed spouse disconnects as well.  The good news is that I see marriages get back on track once everyone is plugged in again.

Be patient.  Allow time and distance to work their magic.  Do some introspection on why you stepped outside your marriage. Ultimately it all boils down to our own conduct in any given situation.

If you can get an appointment with a therapist, that would be ideal.  We can give you support, but a professional can help you get to your core issues.  Good coping skills are usually at the top of our lacking list...lol.  

Congratulations on day 3...that's big!

((hugs))

Clarity

 


Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010

You are getting a choice.  He gave you a choice.  Put out or get out.  That's it in a nutshell.  You are rejecting it, him and the whole situation.  How he takes the rejection is another story.  Many here will tell you that they made the same decision and later regretted it because now they feel they ended it.  We all want some guilt for some insane reason.

It's time to start re-framing your thoughts.  It was just wrong.  Everything about it was wrong.  Yes, even you desiring 'feel goods' from someone was wrong.  Look at it for what it really was.  It is a chance for a reality check.

It isn't a rejection, it's a spoiled child not being able to get all the candy they want so they get mad.  You have seen it before, so take a real hard look at you.  That's where the problem all begins and will all end.

Really??? 

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 3:15pm
Hi Dodger,

I am sorry for the tears and sadness you are feeling, but it is the way out, so let them flow. You have been spared, and I am glad for both of you that it didn't get any more complicated or go on any longer - the intensity of what A's bring out is blinding but you pay the price later on.

Adding to the feel goods and chemicals that Clarity and others mention, there was a good article in Nat Geo a few years ago called the Biochemistry of Love. It gives a great description of our physical response to attractions and makes it easier to understand the powerful tug of an A of any type.

Keep reading and posting and moving forward in small steps, and time will help.

Hugs,

Daisy