Hi Nuttmeg!
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| Thu, 01-13-2005 - 1:47pm |
Good morning to you Nuttmeg and thanks for writing again!!
I too am doing a little better today.Isn't it funny how some days seem better than others?
Some days i am racked with memories and hurt and others i am actually "okay"(as okay as i can be at this time anyway).OM and i broke up in August of 03,very little contact for a few months up until 3 months after that when he just HAD to let me know he was getting married(in the mountains i might add where he KNEW i always wanted to vacation with him but never got the chance,why the hell did he have to tell me WHERE he was getting married).....contact stopped up until about a month ago when like a fool i added him back to my messenger and we have chatted a couple times(nothing big just him sending me a an IM to tell me Happy New Year and then again after the Holidays to ask me how they were).
Talking to him again mixed me up all over again and i know i have to block him again...even though it's been 17 months since the last time i saw his face,i know i still love him very much and there can't be any contact.It's just too much for me.Knowing i still love him and he has moved on and inlove with someone else just destroys me inside.Why is it a man always seems to let go and move on so much easier than a woman??Why am i still the one holding on and stuck with all the hurt and memories?Everyone says you have to accept that it's over and let go,move on.I don't know how to do that,Nuttmeg!!
I don't know how to stop the memories when they start pounding in my brain,i don't know how to "accept"...how do you do that???How do you let go!?!?!
I just can't find those answers.I'm sorry this is long and i'm rattling on...like you,i never could talk to anyone about the Affair,all of my family looked down on me and all the friends were too loyal to my H.So here i am....trying to find my way and be normal again...maybe i never will though,this has changed me so much it scares me.I hope your day is great and i enjoy talking to you very much Nuttmeg.Keep in touch!

Hi there solost27,
Off the subject, are you by any chance 27 also? Just a hunch that you might be also.
Yeah, today has been a good day for me with my emotions. I feel really empowered today for some reason. Have you heard of the book/production "The Vagina Monologues"? I actually read that last night. That is some good stuff. I don't think I will ever view my pus*y in the same way again! hee- hee (hope i'm not offending anyone here)
I also have been typing with some others on here today and have really been thinking alot about my place in this whole mess. There is a post from this morning from some guy skip mcgillicutty ( ithink that was his name) asking some good questions. It was fun to really think and answer his questions. NO, I am not getting a thing done at work today.
sometimes I think about how great this whole internet thing is, i'm sitting here getting support from you and you from me. But then I also wonder if w/out all this great technology- IM's and TM's and cell's- wouldn't it be so much harder to have A's in the first place. Something to ponder!
I find myself deleting OM's name from address book, then the next day i'll put it back in only to delete it again. I am a goofball! I think you definitely have to just take his little old name off that messenger list once and for all. Because if you don't your just back to being that little carrot on the string dangling for that jackas*to come and get!
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I think that this is just the way we perceive it to be. We don't know how they feel any more than they know that we are sitting here typing about them and their pre-mature ejaculating, committment issues.(joking-had to throw some humor in) In my case I know that my H was my only adult relationship, so I don't have experience in what it feels like to lose a boyfriend/lover whatever. I was not in love with my OM but I had intense feelings for what we had together. It is hard to put that out of my head and try to go back to the way it was before.
One of my older/wiser girlfriends (she found out about the A thru the lovely gossip grapevine, not from me at first) said that my A w/ him "served it's purpose"
Ittook me awhile to really think about what this meant. If you really buy into all the everything happens for a reason stuff, it makes sense. There was a reason that we needed to feel this loss and this pain. Maybe we need to experience this to grow and change in some way. Maybe we will never Accept it and let it go, but take it with us to help us grow into better women. Does this make any sense, or am I just rambling on in a diet coke induced caffeine typing frenzy? Girl, we will get through this. My vagina tells me so! LOL -read the book-
~nuttmeg