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| Fri, 05-07-2010 - 11:53am |
Hi all,
I've been lurking here for a while, but never found the courage to post till feelinlousy did. Now that I came out of lurkendom, maybe is better if I introduce myself.
I'm married to a wonderful DH, have two beautiful DD and am currently a SAHM. Our marriage is mostly good, we're just a bit too passive to work through our differences. We have a good life together, big house, have fun with our kids, we're just having money issues right now and this and the stress with the kids is putting a strain in our relationship lately. We rarely if ever have time for each other and live on a tight budget, so hiring a baby-sitter is not an option. We also want to spend time with our kids and this is great, but we are neglecting our marriage in the process. He works very hard to pay our bills and I have a not very well paying profession, but luckily it's one that enables me to stay at home and take care of my DD without losing my job.
Basically, it was my poor stress coping skills, boredom and immaturity (I'm 41, for heaven sakes, will I ever mature?) that lead me to an A. I met him online last year and after a couple of weeks of e-mails exchanges, phone calls and texting, we saw each other and, I'm terribly ashamed to say, had sex. The day after our first rendezvous he suddenly recalled that he was married and ended whatever it was that we had. He said it was not that I had disappointed him (yeah, right), it was just that we have had all that that we were supposed to live together and should be proud of ourselves (huh???). That's why I decided to call him xSTBAP (ex soon-to-be A partner) here because the A didn't take off. We had some more brief exchanges online, then I wrote a goodbye message and went NC.
I know, I should be glad I didn't waste more of my time with him and came with my dignity still intact. Thing is, it's not intact. It was short-termed but it was poison for my self-esteem. I feel like I signed in for the worst job in the world and was at first relieved that I didn't get it. But then came the realization: I was not good enough for the worst job in the world! How humiliating! It's been months since he ended things and I'm still recovering from the ego bruise.
So I guess what I'd like to share with this board is this: A's are irksome. It's like heroin, it takes one shot and you're a junkie. It doesn't matter much how long it goes, it devastates your self-worth. I'll never be able to say to myself again that I was always faithful to my husband, and all it took to destroy my honor was one encounter. I wish I had found this board earlier, it would have spared me much pain as I peeked at his tweeter three times since going NC in last August. Last time I peeked was in late January. I found EAS a month or so ago, have been reading dayly since then and you all have helped me greatly with seeing things from another perspective and with healing. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart!
I've been a little bit down lately, very emotional, but have zero desire of contacting him (you see, feelinlousy, it does get better! With the help of this board you'll be out of this craziness much sooner than I did). The curiosity to peek at his Tweeter is still there somewhat, but I'll resist it, as it comes from the worst part of me, the part that want that he fails at everything that he attempts, in hopes that it would make me feel vindicated and whole again. And it's wrong and unrealistic. He is probably mostly a good person, like me, who made some awful choices. He has good qualities, plenty of friends and likes to help people, so he will be just fine and have failures and successes like everyone else.
And I will learn to feel whole from within and not from someone else's failure or apologies or attention or whatever. Not his and not my husband's. No one can repair me, I must do it myself.
As you can see from this poorly written text, english is not my first language. My apologies for any odd constructions and the simple style of the text. I have to go now, but will be here again soon.
Be well,
Prudence10

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Prudence,
Your text wasn't poorly written at all!! It was beautiful!! You have such insight and wisdom, and I am so glad you decided to post. Even though your A was brief, it was still an A, and I am sure you still feel the pain. Please remember that you are still YOU, no matter what bad choices you've made. The failures in our lives do not define us!
Now that you are out of it, work as hard as you can to move forward. Forgive yourself, and focus on figuring out why you looked to another man. Begin to focus on the life you have, which sounds wonderful, and count your blessings.
Please stay and post. We are here for ya!
Hazel
Thank you for sharing your story Prudence.
Prue,
Welcome to the board, honey. I was hoping you'd start your own thread. I had read your response to "feelinlousy" very
~Iddy~
Prudence,
Your courage to finally post should be commended. It was mentioned in another thread that helping others here will also help yourself and you reached out to not only tell your story but to help Fellinlousy too.
Im so sorry that you feel "morally corrupt" because of what you did but it comes with the territory. Just please dont dwell on it and allow it to inhibit your healing. Ive been there and it sickens me too to think of how I lowered myself for my XMM. My A lasted 16mths and I have a list a mile long of the morraly corrupt things I did. There were plenty things I did that most ladies of the evening charge top dollar for but what hurts the most is what I did to my innocent family. My sone was in the hospital towards the end of my A in March. This stings but....while he was just one day out of surgery, I left the hospital to meet up with XMM for dinner. My son was still groggy from meds so I rationalized it by thinking he was sleepy and wouldnt notice my absence anyway. I got back to him after about an hour and he was tearful because he needed to use the bathroom and noone was there to help him and he was scared. He mentioned this to me last week too, 2 mths later and he still remembers that.
Its just what A's do, they make us do things under the influence that we would NEVER do sober. But Prudence, you are not that person, so do not dwell on your past. Dipping your toe in the murky nasty A waters is enough to taint all of us. Some swam in that water for years but either way none of us can dry off as easily as we had hoped but we do and vow to never do it again.
GMLB
Seriously? English is not your first language?? Holy cow, I want to send my kids to whatever English classes YOU took! Um, and we ARE native English speakers. ha.
Man, oh, man --- Prudence, your post sends me. I really identified, through experience, how you feel about your M and the shape it's in - even how you met your not-AP. We're even close in age, I'm 42, and I, too, am incredulous that I'm still _this_ immature.
I know you didn't get that lousy job you wanted, and I know that your ego took a huge beating because of it -- but, golly! how very damn lucky you are!!! Ego beating now, or get the job and Ego beating later. You got the best of the deal. And it sounds like you're really on the right track with taking an extensive personal inventory to see how you got to this place in your life. You had a short-lived EA, which, I feel, can be as devastating as a PA (if not even worse), so I hope you will not underestimate that --- as you said, "the A never really took off" -- that was just the PA that never took off. You still have to cope with the EA aspect.
You've already received a lot of welcomes and advice, so I'll keep this short and say only that I am glad you are here and I hope you'll stay and post/read often.
Cheers,
Dee
Hi Prudence-
Welcome! Tis the season for endings. I feel like we've welcomed quite
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
OK, you shared your story and are feeling bad, let me tell you about mine. I ended my affair about seven (????) months ago with a single hot guy (later about him). I have been separated from my DH for a couple of weeks. My DH is a wonderful man even though he had an A. I withdrew from my M years before my DH had an A.
Welcome, Prudence!
You have incredible insight and BTW, your writing skills are stellar.
Welcome Prudence to our community,
While I would have NEVER imagined myself here - like you, I am so glad to have arrived - better late than never. Unfortunately while in my affair I found MAS instead - and what a disaster that was. It enabled me in ways I can't describe. When I was feeling like I just couldn't do 'it' one more second, I would log in and juice myself full of justifications and permission to keep self-harming.
You sound like an amazing and insightful woman and I am so happy that you are here. I look forward to your posts, and to learning as much as I can from your journey. I'm now ending day 23 LC/NC, and I have found the rash of newbie posts to be particularity helpful in assisting me to carry on. I tell you, from the day you end it onward, it only gets better. Yes there are rough patches, but it is no where near what it was like inside the A.
Now that's pain.
Welcome and please keep posting,
TU.
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
TSU,
I just want you to know that your posts the last few days have been INCREDIBLE!! The strength and growth that you have shown to the new ones here is utterly amazing.
Be proud of yourself, I certainly am!!!
Prudence,
You have recieved a wonderful EAS welcome and I hope that you feel the support that we give one another here. You are in great company, listen to these ladies, they know their stuff!!!
GMLB
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