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| Fri, 05-07-2010 - 11:53am |
Hi all,
I've been lurking here for a while, but never found the courage to post till feelinlousy did. Now that I came out of lurkendom, maybe is better if I introduce myself.
I'm married to a wonderful DH, have two beautiful DD and am currently a SAHM. Our marriage is mostly good, we're just a bit too passive to work through our differences. We have a good life together, big house, have fun with our kids, we're just having money issues right now and this and the stress with the kids is putting a strain in our relationship lately. We rarely if ever have time for each other and live on a tight budget, so hiring a baby-sitter is not an option. We also want to spend time with our kids and this is great, but we are neglecting our marriage in the process. He works very hard to pay our bills and I have a not very well paying profession, but luckily it's one that enables me to stay at home and take care of my DD without losing my job.
Basically, it was my poor stress coping skills, boredom and immaturity (I'm 41, for heaven sakes, will I ever mature?) that lead me to an A. I met him online last year and after a couple of weeks of e-mails exchanges, phone calls and texting, we saw each other and, I'm terribly ashamed to say, had sex. The day after our first rendezvous he suddenly recalled that he was married and ended whatever it was that we had. He said it was not that I had disappointed him (yeah, right), it was just that we have had all that that we were supposed to live together and should be proud of ourselves (huh???). That's why I decided to call him xSTBAP (ex soon-to-be A partner) here because the A didn't take off. We had some more brief exchanges online, then I wrote a goodbye message and went NC.
I know, I should be glad I didn't waste more of my time with him and came with my dignity still intact. Thing is, it's not intact. It was short-termed but it was poison for my self-esteem. I feel like I signed in for the worst job in the world and was at first relieved that I didn't get it. But then came the realization: I was not good enough for the worst job in the world! How humiliating! It's been months since he ended things and I'm still recovering from the ego bruise.
So I guess what I'd like to share with this board is this: A's are irksome. It's like heroin, it takes one shot and you're a junkie. It doesn't matter much how long it goes, it devastates your self-worth. I'll never be able to say to myself again that I was always faithful to my husband, and all it took to destroy my honor was one encounter. I wish I had found this board earlier, it would have spared me much pain as I peeked at his tweeter three times since going NC in last August. Last time I peeked was in late January. I found EAS a month or so ago, have been reading dayly since then and you all have helped me greatly with seeing things from another perspective and with healing. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart!
I've been a little bit down lately, very emotional, but have zero desire of contacting him (you see, feelinlousy, it does get better! With the help of this board you'll be out of this craziness much sooner than I did). The curiosity to peek at his Tweeter is still there somewhat, but I'll resist it, as it comes from the worst part of me, the part that want that he fails at everything that he attempts, in hopes that it would make me feel vindicated and whole again. And it's wrong and unrealistic. He is probably mostly a good person, like me, who made some awful choices. He has good qualities, plenty of friends and likes to help people, so he will be just fine and have failures and successes like everyone else.
And I will learn to feel whole from within and not from someone else's failure or apologies or attention or whatever. Not his and not my husband's. No one can repair me, I must do it myself.
As you can see from this poorly written text, english is not my first language. My apologies for any odd constructions and the simple style of the text. I have to go now, but will be here again soon.
Be well,
Prudence10

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Hazel: Thank you so much for your encouraging words. I'm trying hard to forgive myself and see that I’m not my worst accomplishments. But I’m still stuck with the question of who I am. And right now I have no idea.
FL: Yes, I still have that insecure feeling myself. I feel like I can’t trust my own judgment and for a while I really couldn’t. I got so bad withdrawal symptoms that I caught myself thinking of pick-up lines to say to the cable guy that came to my house once. Luckily I checked myself in time but that episode scared me. I thought I was going insane.
Iddy: I love your posts; they are so beautifully written and so full of wisdom. I've learned a lot since I found this board. Learning that I'm not alone made a huge impact on my healing. Thank you so much for being there for us.
I've been nine months NC now, if I don’t count the times I peeked on his Internet sites. Let's say it's been nine months since he last heard from me and it’s been three months since I last heard from him.
GMLB: Your post too was very courageous and very generous. Telling someone one of your most painful memories to try to make him/her feel better is something very commendable. I was very touched by your story. I feel exactly like you describe with dipping my toe in the affair water. I may not have as many embarrassing memories as you and others here do, but I have the conscience that it was just because my xAP didn’t recognize my doormat potential ;) . When I read those painful stories I am certain that it could have been me, had I not have the luck of being set free earlier. While I’m glad I didn’t really do it, I still have to work hard on my issues, as to why I only didn’t do it for lack of opportunity.
Dee: You’re right; I got the best of the deal. When I read such stories as Tess’ and many others here, I see that I can’t really complain. I never had a DDay (yet - and, God, please, let it stay that way). And I also agree with you that the worst part I have to deal with is the EA part. From this part come the good memories.
mom: I was not familiar with your story, thank you for sharing. You mention working on my M: right now I’m trying a new approach with my H, instead of saying what bothers me about his behavior, I’m saying how he could do better. Can’t say yet if it’s working or not.
CSN: Yeah, my A was also an escape and I’m discovering that working on my RLR may be not as hard as I thought. Thank you for the kind words.
Jane and TU: thank you for the warm welcome. I’m looking forward to reading how your stories unfold.
Hello,
I am late chiming in, I am welcoming you to the board...everything has been said that needs to be said. Please stay around...I dont know that you are a newbie after reading your post. Sounds like you may be a tweener like myself, that's 3 months or greater NC. Either way, just happy to have you.
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Thank you, Luvin! If I sound like a Tweener is because I've been here a lot, reading as much as I can, learning, absorbing. And because my A is over for more than ten months, so I'm already out of the fog. It can be done (work through pain without support of a community) but I've never felt so alone in my entire life.
Not feeling alone now. :)
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