Hidden Hope

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Hidden Hope
12
Sat, 02-05-2011 - 11:40am

I dont feel new here as I have been reading for years an years trying to get out of this awful mess I have made of my life, I may have posted once years ago but I couldnt find the commitment that I have now, and I realize that I need help to get past this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Sat, 02-05-2011 - 11:55am
Welcome & Congrats on going NC. You know the routine. If you have read here for years than you know what to expect, and you're already taking great steps to ensuring you get your life headed back in the right direction.

I am curious - the last time you went NC for 2 months, and held onto that secret hope - where did it get you? That's right, right back into the mess. So you gotta do things different this time. YOU can't just go NC. That's the beginning of the journey. Once you go NC, you have to begin the work of re-framing your expectations - about yourself, and about relationships. YOU have to work to rebuild your self-esteem, and see your affair for what it was: a fantasy relationship built on lies, hidden in the shadows - a dirty secret.

YOU don't have to hold onto the hope that this time he gets it - YOU only need to get it and enforce your boundaries. I have an xAP that did some drastic things to keep me seeing that he was around. In the end, I took whatever steps were necessary to get him out of my life. I would not have hesitated to contact the police if I felt at any moment he was a risk to me through stalking behavior. People ending affairs need to be way more concerned about legitimate threats to their safety, than not getting discovered, JUST MY OPINION.

I hope you sent him a VERY clear message that it is over - you are moving on with your life, and DO NOT CONTACT me. If so, then start documenting each deliberate attempt to contact you.

YOU can do this ... you already are!!! 7 days is HUGE (:

We will walk with you,

TU.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sat, 02-05-2011 - 12:13pm

Welcome Lovelies :)

I too had a "stalker" xap. My A lasted 7.5 years and I ended it last June after several attempts. He drove by my house and work for over a month. It was unnerving, to say the least. You have to be proactive - I changed my schedule - worked at Starbucks for a little bit before going into work in the morning. I even moved my computer on my desk so I couldn't see out the front window. I never really worried about my safety, but I did record every time I saw him, just in case. I think it was TU that gave me that same advice. :) Are you single? I am, and I think that made xap a little more entitled and comfortable with his blatant drive bys.

If you continue NC, he will eventually tire of it and stop. Mine did. Please don't be nervous about posting. Lurking and reading is good, but getting your feelings out and accepting the help of others is necessary to really heal. You CAN be the woman you used to be. It's all up to you to find her again :)

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2010
Sat, 02-05-2011 - 12:25pm
Welcome Love! Just have a minute but want to say there is NO hope in an A. NONE. There is no good that can come, ultimately only pain, frustration and sorrow. See it for what it is, Love. Change your thinking patterns, don't just do your time NC...I am seeing a T since going NC several months ago and it has been so helpful in finding out the why's of what I did. I highly recommend the same for you. Also read the two Wisdom and Insights threads in the Healing Library. Keep it up and hugs to you!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Sat, 02-05-2011 - 12:56pm

I remember when you moved your computer because I did the same thing too.....and it worked I try not to look out my windows.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Sat, 02-05-2011 - 1:25pm

I sent a very clear message that it was over and I wanted no contact whatsoever.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2006
Sat, 02-05-2011 - 1:50pm

Welcome Lurker! :smileytongue:

How about writing a pros and cons list about the "relationship" and the jam?

Onward and upward.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2010
Sat, 02-05-2011 - 1:50pm

Hi Lovely,

So glad that you have come to the board to post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Sat, 02-05-2011 - 2:39pm
Welcome to EAS. You have received responses from some of our finest. ;-) Take full advantage of their advice and before you know it, you will have another week of NC under your belt. Congrats on your first week, btw. That's a great start and testament that you can do this. Do not cave under any circumstance, even if he stalks and does drive-bys. His problem, his issues. Don't make them yours. It's obvious this JAM is very insecure but you know what? Tough! You have to do what is important for you now..and that's cutting any dangling cord that still keeps you connected in some way.

I am glad you came out from lurking. The people on this board are more than generous with their time and support. The weekends may be a little slow, but there is so much to read in the Healing Library that it should keep you very busy. Read, learn, and continue healing.

(((Hugs)))
Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Sat, 02-05-2011 - 5:02pm
Welcome to EAS, and congratulations on 7 days of NC. I'm day 13 today so I know how huge that first week can be, and how much freer you feel with each day that passes.

I think you know this already, but he's not going to leave his W for you. If he really meant to keep those promises to you he would have done so long ago (and seriously, even if he did ever leave her, you deserve so much more than his deceipt and lies).

Stay strong, read lots, and post often. You can do this.

sunshine and smiles

Kat

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sat, 02-05-2011 - 5:22pm

Lovelies :)

I'm glad you moved your computer with me! If you've followed my story, you know that I made it out, and you can too. Changing your actions and the way you think is the key. I definitely think it's a good idea to document the dates and times that he drives by - even the length of time he sits in his car. My xap never went that far, but being a "prominent" figure, he couldn't really afford to do that. As the fog clears for you again, you will see that this behavior does not show love. Please be careful and do everything you can to protect yourself.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom. You're not alone in this - we'll all be there to help you along. The last line you wrote to me: "....each and every time I went back it would make him feel great while I was miserable....." Well, not anymore. Your life is worth way more than making a man that doesn't come close to deserving you feel great.

Bodhi

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