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Hidden Hope
| Sat, 02-05-2011 - 11:40am |
I dont feel new here as I have been reading for years an years trying to get out of this awful mess I have made of my life, I may have posted once years ago but I couldnt find the commitment that I have now, and I realize that I need help to get past this.

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I am curious - the last time you went NC for 2 months, and held onto that secret hope - where did it get you? That's right, right back into the mess. So you gotta do things different this time. YOU can't just go NC. That's the beginning of the journey. Once you go NC, you have to begin the work of re-framing your expectations - about yourself, and about relationships. YOU have to work to rebuild your self-esteem, and see your affair for what it was: a fantasy relationship built on lies, hidden in the shadows - a dirty secret.
YOU don't have to hold onto the hope that this time he gets it - YOU only need to get it and enforce your boundaries. I have an xAP that did some drastic things to keep me seeing that he was around. In the end, I took whatever steps were necessary to get him out of my life. I would not have hesitated to contact the police if I felt at any moment he was a risk to me through stalking behavior. People ending affairs need to be way more concerned about legitimate threats to their safety, than not getting discovered, JUST MY OPINION.
I hope you sent him a VERY clear message that it is over - you are moving on with your life, and DO NOT CONTACT me. If so, then start documenting each deliberate attempt to contact you.
YOU can do this ... you already are!!! 7 days is HUGE (:
We will walk with you,
TU.
Welcome Lovelies :)
I too had a "stalker" xap. My A lasted 7.5 years and I ended it last June after several attempts. He drove by my house and work for over a month. It was unnerving, to say the least. You have to be proactive - I changed my schedule - worked at Starbucks for a little bit before going into work in the morning. I even moved my computer on my desk so I couldn't see out the front window. I never really worried about my safety, but I did record every time I saw him, just in case. I think it was TU that gave me that same advice. :) Are you single? I am, and I think that made xap a little more entitled and comfortable with his blatant drive bys.
If you continue NC, he will eventually tire of it and stop. Mine did. Please don't be nervous about posting. Lurking and reading is good, but getting your feelings out and accepting the help of others is necessary to really heal. You CAN be the woman you used to be. It's all up to you to find her again :)
Bodhi
I remember when you moved your computer because I did the same thing too.....and it worked I try not to look out my windows.
I sent a very clear message that it was over and I wanted no contact whatsoever.
Welcome Lurker! :smileytongue:
How about writing a pros and cons list about the "relationship" and the jam?
Hi Lovely,
So glad that you have come to the board to post.
I am glad you came out from lurking. The people on this board are more than generous with their time and support. The weekends may be a little slow, but there is so much to read in the Healing Library that it should keep you very busy. Read, learn, and continue healing.
(((Hugs)))
I think you know this already, but he's not going to leave his W for you. If he really meant to keep those promises to you he would have done so long ago (and seriously, even if he did ever leave her, you deserve so much more than his deceipt and lies).
Stay strong, read lots, and post often. You can do this.
sunshine and smiles
Kat
Lovelies :)
I'm glad you moved your computer with me! If you've followed my story, you know that I made it out, and you can too. Changing your actions and the way you think is the key. I definitely think it's a good idea to document the dates and times that he drives by - even the length of time he sits in his car. My xap never went that far, but being a "prominent" figure, he couldn't really afford to do that. As the fog clears for you again, you will see that this behavior does not show love. Please be careful and do everything you can to protect yourself.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom. You're not alone in this - we'll all be there to help you along. The last line you wrote to me: "....each and every time I went back it would make him feel great while I was miserable....." Well, not anymore. Your life is worth way more than making a man that doesn't come close to deserving you feel great.
Bodhi
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