In his best interest

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In his best interest
2
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 9:00am
Wow all of these stories have such different backgrounds yet we all seem to come to the same conclusion in the end. I began an affair 4 months ago (my first ever) with a single man, a wonderful man, somebody I would honestly love to start a new life with. I found myself telling him all of the negative things about my 18 year relationship with my husband. This of course fed the hope that I was indeed going to leave him one day. I then found myself nit-picking everything my husband said or did, starting arguments, just plain being nasty toward him. I guess I did this thinking that if I pissed him off enough that he would actually end the relationship with me himself. So the affair continued to grow and all in all it was heavenly except for the thought of the OM sitting home alone each evening while I was home with my H. The fact that he could not contact me at any given moment was torturing him and I understood that.

He recently attended a wedding where he was introduced to an attractive single woman and he had 2 or 3 dates with her. He felt she was coming on strong to him, planning his evenings and his weekends and he wasn't really comfortable with that. In the meantime I began feeling jealousy over this although I knew I had no right to feel that way. So it seems that each and every day we had the discussion where we hashed over the fact that he desires so much to be with me, yet I cannot guarantee a permanent relationship with him, if he waits for me to make a decision (all the while never pressuring me because he understands that it is an incredibly painful decision to make) he may risk losing this other woman. We agreed that perhaps it would be best for us to no longer have contact so I may get my act together and if it is certainly fate... then it will work out that way. We've made this decision a few times now but heck only a few hours later my stomach is in a knot and I cannot resist phoning him. I tried to reach him last weekend but I knew he was with her (partly because I told him to "go and have fun"). Then when he wasn't there for me I left a not so nice message for him. It really hurt him that he wasn't there for me when I needed him. I listened to his kind words and then developed so much guilt for kind of purposely doing that to him. Had he been home what would I have done? I would have stayed an hour or so and then ran home to my husband as I always do. Today I finally had to firmly tell him that it would be in his best interest that we no longer see each other.

The thing that bothers him above all is that he remembers everything negative I've ever said about my marriage. He simply hopes I do not continue on if I am truly that unhappy. Life is too short. Man he is a wonderful guy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 11:15am
Thank you for your post. I am in a sense this guy in my situation. I continually told my ex that if he is that unhappy, to leave. Why didn't he leave? I don't know. Perhaps this is not what you wanna hear, but this is your decision. Follow your heart. IF you think you can work it out with your H, then go for it with all your heart. If not, be honest with yourself, and give it a shot with this other guy. Love isn't about what he can do for you, it's about what you can do for him, either man. Just be honest. Stand up and be true to yourself. IT sounds like you have.
Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 1:03pm
Leaving a marriage is not something that should be taken lightly, especially if there are children involved. You need to really think long and hard and make your decision. If you really want to leave your husband because you are unhappy, then that is something you should do whether or not there is a man waiting for you in the wings. You have to leave for you, not because you met another man.

Also please remember that your relationship with this man is new. You have not known him for that long. I am sure that he is a wonderful man, but didn't you think your husband was just peachy after knowing him a few months also? Something to think about.

I was in a similar situation and when push came to shove I stayed in the marriage. I have absolutely no regrets about that now, especially after getting to know XOM better. I may still leave the marriage, but the difference is that now I would be doing it for myself, not because I want to be with XOM. When you are in an A it clouds your thinking and influences your decision.

STop seeing OM while you decide. If you do leave and he's still available then great. If not, it is okay because by leaving you are giving yourself a chance to be happy. There are more then two men in the world.

Jazzdiva