Is his closure part of my responsibility

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2003
Is his closure part of my responsibility
3
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 11:49pm


In short my A ended quite awhile ago and I am making out well in rebuilding my M.

I have found it difficult to give myself wholeheartedly to my M while still communicated with XOM (he is single),as what we shared was very intense and significant to me.So I have stopped communicating with him. I just wonder...do I offer XOM the opportunity to ask any questions he needs to regarding the situation..to help give him closure? Or do I just continue on with NC hoping he understands? We had discussed this happening..it becoming to difficult to try and just be friends and it has turned out that way.

So what do you think...thanks Jb
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 12:11am
my vote is no, you don't owe him closure because YOU can't really give it to him. he's got to find it his own way, in his own time. There's really nothing you can say or do that will "give" him closure.

After I ended my A with an MM, I became involved with a single guy. My MM made efforts to contact me after I ended it and began this new relationship. I was honest with my boyfriend (we're still together now, a year later) about what had happened and that MM was trying to contact me. He suggested I give him one conversation, on the phone to say whatever it was he had to say. I called MM and told him, look, this is over and I want no further contact but if you have things you need to say to me, here is your one chance to say them.

He talked and talked and talked and explained and tried to persuade me that I belonged with him. By that point, I was done with it and truly unshakeable. I listened and said, I'm sorry, I'm not here anymore. For me, this needs to be the last conversation.

It did NOT give him closure. He continued to attempt to contact me and after one scary attempt (late at night, at my home, my children on the way), I told him if he ever showed up again at my home or office, I would call the police. That shut him down.

But even now, a year later, he'll show up somewhere that he doesn't belong and I wonder if he's still "after" me. Maybe I'm paranoid,


but I don't think we can ever GIVE them closure. they have to find it on their own. NC is for you and for YOUR protection. You owe him nothing (in my opinion) - any adult who engages in an EMA knows what he/she is in for.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 9:38am
jb~

I think that its different for everyone, depending upon their relationship with MM/OM.

I have just done something similar to what you were asking....I closed the door to our "relationship", via email. I explained my circumstances and basically told him that I was no longer able to be friends with him (at this junction in my life) not out of anger or malice, though. We tried to be friends (more him then me) and it kept getting deeper....and harder to maintain. Friends of opposite sex who are in bad/not so good marriage is a VOLATILE relationship, waiting to blow.

Prior to this email, I was in NC for about a month...while thinking and was debating whether or not to let him know or just stay in NC. In the end, I thought it was only fair to "officially" end it and for ME, to psychologically close that door forever. He wrote back a fairly short email...and agreed we needed to go our separate ways. I'm trying not to get caught up in thinking about what he is going through (does he miss me? did it mean anything?, etc) I just try to divert my thoughts.

On the one hand, its been a relief...on the other hand, its hard. But really what other choice does one have?

Think about your relationship with xOM.....you know best, deep down. Personally, I think its good to "officially" try to close that chapter.

good luck!

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 10:51am
His closure being your responsibility really depends upon what type of a person he is.If he is a jerk who treated you badly, you can go NC without needing to explain anything but if yours was a loving relationship, I think you should let him know why you are not talking. Letting him know that you had a good time with him but that you need to close this relationship to move on in your life or that you don't want to cheat any more is a good thing to let the other person know. Hurting anybody is not a good thing and NC without explanation when the other person has never hurt you is (I think) not a good idea.