His W and my H know all the details

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2003
His W and my H know all the details
13
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 4:01pm
Well, if anybody has been following my posts you might remember that when my A came out in the open about 7 weeks ago my marriage ended. My H has since become suicidal. Last Friday my XMM and I had a pretty angry exchange on the phone with me trying to tell him that my H knew more details of the A than we had shared with our spouses. He did not want to hear... he just told me it was over and I shouldn't call him again. So started my NC. XMM and I had made a deal that we would lie about most details of the A.

So that evening I told my H everything.... all of the details. When it started, how long it lasted for and the fact that we were intimate. All things that H had suspected, but had never been confirmed. He was relieved to finally hear me telling the whole truth about the A. Of course, he called my XMM's W with all of the information we talked about.

Today I couldn't handle NC any longer and called XMM without knowing that my H had called their house. Well, the conversation was very short and definitely not sweet. He ended the conversation saying "thanks for "M" (my husband) calling our house". Then about 20 minutes later we had to both pick up our kids at the same bus stop. XMM was so furious he turned around, got into his car and waited in there until the bus came with the children.

Stupid me is know absolutely sick about this, thinking, oh no I've really sealed the deal now... he'll never come back to me now.... although I try to remind myself that XMM made huge promises during the time that we were together like he would leave his wife, and we would live happily ever after, and he promptly broke them the night the A became known.

Does he have any right to be this angry? We both are in the wrong here, both have broken promises.

Any advise?

CG

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 4:13pm
Sorry CG about all that is going on with you. You need to do what makes you feel better and coming clean helped you a bit. So what you XMM is angry yes he is going to be that he was busted. He didn't want that. He wasnt his cake and eat it too. CG you know how I feel you are too good for him and this mess. What can I do to help you see that? You are such a strong perosn dealing with all of this with you H's problems and this affair adn your XMM it is amazing. Now if you could only find something for yourself. You are giving yourself to others and not saving anything for you. You are worth a lot more and much better. It will all come in time. And guess what it won't be with you XMM. It will be with someone who can give you his all and no drama.

Good luck and hang in there.

Cali~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 4:21pm
Cali,

Thanks for the kind words.... I'm feeling like all I'm leaving is a path of destruction in my wake.... when XMM and I started NC I felt that he would eventually come back. That I would concentrate on my girls, selling my house, moving, and getting through the holidays.... I always felt in my heart of hearts that he would come back. Strangely enough I still feel that way.... yep, I'm delusional now. And the sad part is considering all the things I'm trying to deal with.... my H attempting suicide, my kids having the stomach flu, trying to sell my house, find a job.... I would take XMM back in a second. I do need something for myself, but I've always been the person who puts herself at the bottom of the pile.... otherwise I wouldn't have started the A.

I'm tired, and lonely, and sick to my stomach. At least NC shouldn't be an issue anymore ;)

CG

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 7:20pm
CG: your story sounds a bit like mine: my H knows and XMM W knows. But to address that the statement:

Stupid me is know absolutely sick about this, thinking, oh no I've really sealed the deal now... he'll never come back to me now.... although I try to remind myself that XMM made huge promises during the time that we were together like he would leave his wife, and we would live happily ever after, and he promptly broke them the night the A became known.

You're right in saying that the XMM will never come back. There's no trust, Maybe you can be friends but it'll be hard (see some of my posts). Not a day goes by that I don't wish I could turn back time or to just feel his touch one last time. And as for those promises, if you XMM is like my XMM, hes a coward that probably doesn't know what he wants or how he really feels. Its taken me 2 months to realize that XMM and I will never be together intimately again, and believe me it hurts. I just keep telling myself that hes a coward. And with the words from friends I'm starting to believe this. As I told XMM, he was high for me but eventually we must all come down.

Hopefully, I can be this strong tomorrow but probably like you, my emotions are all over the place. One minute I want him, the next I hate him. Good luck and keep us posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 8:22pm
Thanks xterra2003. You are right... my emotions are everywhere. One minute I'm furious with him, next minute I'm hopelessly devoted again. Holy rollercoaster ride batman ;)

You would think I've got enough to worry about with selling my house, the holidays, three beautiful little girls.... nope, apparently not. I've got to use what brain cells I've got left to obsess about XMM. You are right when you said he probably doesn't know what he wants or how he feels. All he knows right now is he is FURIOUS with me for talking about the details of the A with my husband, and then having my husband call up XMM's W and fill her in on the details. I had to finally come clean with my H in order for him and me to move on with our seperation. I felt it was important for me to stop living behind a shield of lies and finally start with a clean slate. My H thought the same thing... and in the long run, the only people I have to account to are myself and my girls.

My XMM is so NOT in touch with his feelings that in fact, he has not told one person outside of me and his W that he and his W are having MAJOR marital issues. Not his best friend, not his parents, not his sisters or brother.... talk about pushing feelings deep down inside. But that is just another thing that makes me sad... he was able to be completely open with me, and in fact told his W that was one of the things that he loves about me... we could talk about anything. Go figure!

Anyway, I'm about to sit down with my 11 year old daughter and watch "Ryan and Trista's Wedding" and pretend like I still believe in happily ever after. Let me tell you... I turned 40 in May (ironically that is the night my A started)... and it's really sucked big time being 40! 2004 has got to better than 2003!

Hope you are having a great evening! Thanks for the support.

CG

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 11:46pm
CG...I already told you I was going ot be on your butt. Quit feeling bad. Put your self on top. Look at all the good you have been to people and all the peopel you are taking care of. You deserve the best and YOU need to see that. NO NO NO you would not take you MM back if he wanted to cause he doesn't deserve you!

You should not feel lonely. I am here for you. We all are. You can e-mail me, get me here, instand message me or if you need my # I will give that to you as well.

I am tired and sick to my stomach too. It does get better though once you realize what you have to do for YOU. That is what I am trying to do now.

Now enough of that down on yourself. I am going to come kick you butt. NC is the way to see the light. Hard yes but necesssary to keep our sanity.

Don't let him break you if he contact you. I let mine do that too many times. It isnot worth it trust me please.

Post tomorrow if you get a chance. I am thinking of you.

Cali~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 11:37am
Hi CG. Please try not to berate yourself for telling the truth. I know how you feel. I wanted to come clean with everyone - our coworkers, family, spouses and friends. I just wanted to tell everyone the truth just take the hits as they came. Of course, at that point I believed that he loved me as much as I did him and that we were really planning a life together. As I have told you in another post, I became an enemy at the mere mention of telling his W. He also hid his problems from his family and friends. He started telling his family during the course of one year. After that, he stopped telling them anything. He definitely did not tell them that he was in love with someone else. He only told one friend that I know of. So many secrets and lies. It can kill us. You have set your own self free and that is all that you can do. I too, still find myself worrying every day about what xMM thinks of me and if he hates me now, blah, blah, blah.

I do not understand the energy that goes into that. There were so many promises made to us that were broken. I know, I know. People will say that those promises were made by a married man that was lying to his W, so why did we trust him? That is a good question. I just know that I really believed it all.

Lostit

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 12:01pm
I'm so sorry that you're going through this! It's obviously extremely difficult. As to your question and MM's rights to be this angry...you need to realize and understand that BOTH of you and your spouses do have the right to feel however you do feel.

I know this will sound very harsh and I apologize for having to say it but it's high time that you stop being loyal to MM and start putting yourself, your husband and your marriage first. Even if you don't plan to rebuild, your loyalties need to be to your life and not to MM's or the promises he once made...which obviously, he's totally thrown out the window in an effort to save his butt and marriage. I hope you do realize that in 99% of these situations, MM *do* exactly what yours is doing because whenever push comes to shove, all of a sudden, they love their wives and want their marriage to work!

When compared to what these MM have told us, it's pretty pathetic!

I wish you strength to get through all of this!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2003
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 1:23pm
Thanks to everybody who has responded to my post. You are right when you say I should not be worrying over loyalty to a MM who made promises that he never kept. The thing that really hit home was that I was believing a MM who was making promises to me, while at the same time lying to his W. Point taken!

I wrote a very long letter to XMM today, more as a benefit to myself than anything. It is signed and sealed, but not yet delivered. It felt good to write it all down, and though a lot of you will not agree, it will feel even better to deliver it. I do not, in any way, expect any reaction from it... if anyone is the master of NC it is XMM. However, I do feel that I want to start 2004 with a clean slate, including XMM. I need to say all the things I did in the letter, send it to him, and then leave it be. Rest assured I am starting day 1 of NC again. I am certain that I would not want to encur the force of his rage if I did make contact... it should make NC a whole lot easier.

I definitely need to refocus... today was garbage day and I completely forgot to put it to the curb... as well I told my 11 year old D that I would bring her a special lunch to school today because she's having a hard time.... and I forgot!! She called me 1/2 hour later to ask if I was bringing it.... just something else to beat myself up over.

I can't wait for this year to be over.

Thanks,

CG

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 12:04pm
Hello CG. Are you okay? Did you decide to mail the letter today?

Lostit

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 1:33pm

Hello CG.....


I've followed most of your posts and at this point in time I'd like to pipe up with a few things:


1. No, I don't think xMM has the right to be angry at you at all. He is trying to blame you for all of the "problem" that HE created in the first place. xMM is angry at getting caught cheating on his wife with no possibility of being able to lie his way out of

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