His wife called me

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
His wife called me
18
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 10:22pm
I started my affair with a MM about a year ago. Since my own ex cheated, I couldn't believe I was doing it myself, but I let it happen and I take full responsibilty for my actions. We both tried to end it several times and we tried to maintain the friendship but we were never successful, so 3 weeks ago after he nearly got caught by his wife for calling me and my MM asked me to lie for him, we started NC. Things were going well and I was moving on, but tonight I get a call from the wife, she wants to know everything. Apparently things have not gone as well for him as it did for me. I didn't lie, and even though I knew it wouldn't do any good I apologized and admitted I'm scum. I let her heap all her hatred on me as she deserves to...now where do I go from here? I feel so low, I should have known better, I did know better but that still didn't stop my heart from loving this man. How do you recover from the guilt and the shame????

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 12:12am
I felt that I deserved the guilt and shame & they were actuallly healing emotions for me. Getting through them is important however because having an affair can be about self-hatred to begin with. Forgiving yourself is part of your healing. You had needs that won out over common sense, good values, and your upbringing.

The old you is torn down & may be in shambles, but (Forgive the metaphors!) like a phoenix rising from the ashes, you can come out of this a better, stronger, more compassionate person (hard to be judgmental when you've been down there!).

It's time to take a hard look at your life and your choices. YOu can decide not to be pulled this way & that by your emotions and impulses and to live a conscious, deliberate life. A life you choose & one that will bring you more peace and happiness.

O'course, the hard part is finding your path! so get started -- you messed up. You hurt yourself and this guy's wife. maybe others. It's done. You can't undo it. You can't fix it. You have to accept it but you don't have to keep beating yourself up over it. If you're willing to change your life & give up the affair, you can move fully into your life and leave this mess behind.

By the way, I don't believe you "deserved" what the W heaped on you. Her problem is with her H, not you. Happy marriages don't include affairs. They have problems that had nothing whatever to do with you. Whatever anger she has is HIS whether she chooses to direct it that way or not. I think all you "owed" her was good manners. You did not and do not have to listen to her. She should have been talking with her husband & not you. In the future, if she calls, I encourage you to consider telling her -- whatever happened is over. You need to talk to your husband now, not me. And if she persists, say, I'm sorry but I'm not part of this anymore. I wish you the best.

It sounds cold but she's just venting on you & it's really misdirected anger. You don't have to mean or hateful or scream or engage in her anger. You can gently reject the whole mess -- you have a chance to be free of it all now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 8:47am
Thank you for your kind words. I still don't feel like I deserve them, but I will try to remember the good part of me that used to be there. Reading over some of these message boards last night helped a lot and at least that's a start I guess.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 12:29pm
Why wouldn't you lie to her or at least avoid answering her questions? It almost seems like you were trying to hurt her. I'm not sure whether hurting her was the best thing to do. Was your motive to get back at him indirectly (through her)? How would not telling her the truth have hurt you more than you are already hurting?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 2:04pm
<<<<<< Why wouldn't you lie to her or at least avoid answering her questions >>>>>

She did the right thing. Asking her "Why didn't you lie?" is a reflection of how you would have handled it, not her. Some people are more honest than others. She was lucky that some time had lasped before the wife called, which gave her more strength for admission, but telling the BS was her first step in the healing process for all parties involved. And the previous poster who told her to redirect that anger to the betrayer, is also correct. He is the idiot in all of this.

R2L


Edited 5/31/2004 10:52 am ET ET by madam2u

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 12:52pm
To the original poster, I'm just wondering if anything has happened since then? Have you heard from MM? My MM's W called me several times throughout our relationship and like an idiot, I lied to protect MM. He could never tell her the complete truth and she always believed what he said. She also felt the need to heap all of the responsibility of our A on me, instead of on the both of us. In ways I felt guilty, but in other ways I see that they have bigger problems in their M that don't involve me. They began way before me and I realize that happy marriages don't consist of affairs. You just have to tell yourself you made a mistake and move forward. There's no sense in beating yourself up over something you can't change. What you can change though is your relationships of the future. You can learn from this experience and decide what you want to do differently in the future.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 1:10pm
Thanks for your support, I'm taking your advice and just trying to move forward.

I got a couple of more calls from the W and two unpleasant e-mails from her after I posted. Since then its been quiet. I did get a voicemail from MM yesterday apologizing to me for dragging me into his mess.

P.S. To the poster that suggested I lie. My intent was not to hurt anyone further. From my own past experience and since she knew anyway I just didn't see the point in furthering all our pain by making up some lame excuses. I just admitted to my guilt and apologized without excuses.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 6:21pm
Ok - Maybe I phrased my question wrong. I agree that lying to her was the wrong thing to do, but intentionally causing her more pain than you and her H already have caused for her is what I don't understand. She is a victim of the relationship between you and the MM. If you could have avoided causing her more pain by just refusing to speak about the past with her and making sure that you did not do those types of things in the future, why wouldn't you do that? I'm not critisizing your actions. I'm just trying to get a clearer understanding of why hurting her more with the details of the A would be healing for you or for her. Not ever speaking to him or her again would provide more healing for all of you it seems to me. What are your thoughts?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 7:06pm
Ok, I think we both misunderstood. I agree with you and I think that's what I did. Without going into the details she was asking for, I admitted to the affair and told her I was sorry. I accepted full responsibilty for my actions and told her it was over as far as I was concerned.

P.S. Since both he and she keep calling, to further NC I have changed my phone number and blocked all e-mail.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Sat, 05-29-2004 - 2:33pm
Why admit to the A? A simple, "You need to ask your H?" or "I'm not talking to you or him ever again should have done it." It seems that admitting the A, even without providing details, was just one last below the belt shot at him or her. Do you agree?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
Sat, 05-29-2004 - 6:39pm
Although I don't agree, I guess I can see your point. Since the confrontation was so unexpected, I really didn't think of any "line" to give her and hindsight is always clearer, but hitting anybody "below the belt" was never my intention. Having been on both sides (the BS and OW) I can't say which would have been better-avoidance, lying, or truth, luckily I won't ever be in either position again.

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