His wife called me
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His wife called me
| Mon, 05-24-2004 - 10:22pm |
I started my affair with a MM about a year ago. Since my own ex cheated, I couldn't believe I was doing it myself, but I let it happen and I take full responsibilty for my actions. We both tried to end it several times and we tried to maintain the friendship but we were never successful, so 3 weeks ago after he nearly got caught by his wife for calling me and my MM asked me to lie for him, we started NC. Things were going well and I was moving on, but tonight I get a call from the wife, she wants to know everything. Apparently things have not gone as well for him as it did for me. I didn't lie, and even though I knew it wouldn't do any good I apologized and admitted I'm scum. I let her heap all her hatred on me as she deserves to...now where do I go from here? I feel so low, I should have known better, I did know better but that still didn't stop my heart from loving this man. How do you recover from the guilt and the shame????

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The old you is torn down & may be in shambles, but (Forgive the metaphors!) like a phoenix rising from the ashes, you can come out of this a better, stronger, more compassionate person (hard to be judgmental when you've been down there!).
It's time to take a hard look at your life and your choices. YOu can decide not to be pulled this way & that by your emotions and impulses and to live a conscious, deliberate life. A life you choose & one that will bring you more peace and happiness.
O'course, the hard part is finding your path! so get started -- you messed up. You hurt yourself and this guy's wife. maybe others. It's done. You can't undo it. You can't fix it. You have to accept it but you don't have to keep beating yourself up over it. If you're willing to change your life & give up the affair, you can move fully into your life and leave this mess behind.
By the way, I don't believe you "deserved" what the W heaped on you. Her problem is with her H, not you. Happy marriages don't include affairs. They have problems that had nothing whatever to do with you. Whatever anger she has is HIS whether she chooses to direct it that way or not. I think all you "owed" her was good manners. You did not and do not have to listen to her. She should have been talking with her husband & not you. In the future, if she calls, I encourage you to consider telling her -- whatever happened is over. You need to talk to your husband now, not me. And if she persists, say, I'm sorry but I'm not part of this anymore. I wish you the best.
It sounds cold but she's just venting on you & it's really misdirected anger. You don't have to mean or hateful or scream or engage in her anger. You can gently reject the whole mess -- you have a chance to be free of it all now.
She did the right thing. Asking her "Why didn't you lie?" is a reflection of how you would have handled it, not her. Some people are more honest than others. She was lucky that some time had lasped before the wife called, which gave her more strength for admission, but telling the BS was her first step in the healing process for all parties involved. And the previous poster who told her to redirect that anger to the betrayer, is also correct. He is the idiot in all of this.
R2L
Edited 5/31/2004 10:52 am ET ET by madam2u
I got a couple of more calls from the W and two unpleasant e-mails from her after I posted. Since then its been quiet. I did get a voicemail from MM yesterday apologizing to me for dragging me into his mess.
P.S. To the poster that suggested I lie. My intent was not to hurt anyone further. From my own past experience and since she knew anyway I just didn't see the point in furthering all our pain by making up some lame excuses. I just admitted to my guilt and apologized without excuses.
P.S. Since both he and she keep calling, to further NC I have changed my phone number and blocked all e-mail.
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