His wife called me

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
His wife called me
18
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 10:22pm
I started my affair with a MM about a year ago. Since my own ex cheated, I couldn't believe I was doing it myself, but I let it happen and I take full responsibilty for my actions. We both tried to end it several times and we tried to maintain the friendship but we were never successful, so 3 weeks ago after he nearly got caught by his wife for calling me and my MM asked me to lie for him, we started NC. Things were going well and I was moving on, but tonight I get a call from the wife, she wants to know everything. Apparently things have not gone as well for him as it did for me. I didn't lie, and even though I knew it wouldn't do any good I apologized and admitted I'm scum. I let her heap all her hatred on me as she deserves to...now where do I go from here? I feel so low, I should have known better, I did know better but that still didn't stop my heart from loving this man. How do you recover from the guilt and the shame????

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 10:44pm
<<<<<>>>>

I think that your confession to the BS shows just what a genuine person you really are deep down inside. Now me, I would have slammed down the phone, ran to my bedroom, and hid underneath the covers until my heart rate returned to normal. My almost xMM's wife is totally clueless of this A (or should I say nightmare:), and we have been sneaking around for 4 years. Several times I had almost wished she had gotten wise....the repercussions from that would have forced MM to face his unhappiness (and demons) instead of having them rub off on me. Now I am in the process of pulling the plug on this twisted act of self-hate that is attacking the 1 person I need to count on the most: ME!

IMHO, when anything developes with lies and lust as it's foundation, I can bet that even the sand castles are snickering ;)I wish you the best in your journey to finding that truth we are both searching for.

R2L

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Mon, 05-31-2004 - 10:15am
Why should she have to lie? To protect her MM? As far as I'm concerned, the W is going to the wrong person to ask about the affair. She should have went to her H over and over until she got the truth, but instead went to the OW (the original poster). Maybe part of it was to hurt the wife and the MM, but maybe it was also about just wanting the stuff out in the open so that she could move on. If the W calls the OW to find out about the affair, then she should be darn well ready to hear about it. I think the poster did the right thing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Mon, 05-31-2004 - 10:48am
<<<<<>>>>>

Sweetie, I think you sent this to the wrong poster. I was the first one in this thread to tell her she did the right thing. My last post was telling her that she is a genuine person, and what she did reflects her integrity. Having an "A" leads us to do some pretty stupid and dishonest things, but this lady wasn't going to hide that from the BS. She told her the truth, and my "Hats off to Her!"

R2L

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2004
Mon, 05-31-2004 - 6:48pm
Hi Girl:

I too had a call from the wife. This after many, many aborted calls to me that I could see on caller ID. I am also getting over an A with a MM that I loved. I handled my call a lot like you did. I also wish I had really stuck to my guns on "This is between you and him." I started with that, but caved and let her make her points.

I don't anticipate another call (he and I are really ending it), but I plan on taking the advice you were given: firmly and politely saying I am out of this now, you do not need to call again. Talk to him.

I've also had some fantasies where I was not at all nice on the phone to her (as I was) and said things like "This wouldn't have happened if you were happy etc...) Those thoughts are satisfying for a moment. And then I realize, I did get involved with another woman's H. It's never happened to me. How would I feel? I think we should both feel good about how we handled it. Good Luck.

Pam

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 8:39pm
You are soooooo right, I have had thoughts about all the things I could have said bad and good, but I handled it the best way I could. Now I'm struggling because they both keep calling. I changed my cell# and my home, but (this is almost funny) today the W left me a v/m at work (MM and I work for the same company, different locations). Her message said she was calling "to remind me again to stay away from her husband" ???? I am the one who started NC. The one time since my call from her (10 days ago) that I was stupid enough to answer the phone w/o checking caller ID it was him and I begged him to leave me alone and talk to his W...after the call I changed the phone #'s

I tell you, I am so angry and tempted to return the call telling her to keep her H away from ME. Like I said in my original post, I accept my part for the A, but I don't deserve this. Any advice from the group?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 10:01am
First of all, she should NOT be contacting you at work! I'm sure she thinks she has every right too, but that is unacceptable. You do not need to have that personal part of your life threatening your job. My advice to you is to tell your xMM that if either of them bother you again (especially the W), then you are filing charges for harassment. It's one thing to call your home, but it's a whole other thing to bring this to your workplace. Make sure you document the phone calls and incidences too. I know you are angry, but I hope you can be stronger both of them. At the end of the day, you still need to feel good about the way you've carried yourself, and how you are trying to live your life. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 9:37am
again...i have only read the beginning...i am in the same situation..i wasn't prepared for the call & to her i came across nasty...as if i care...he & she have since both gotten in touch w/ me to tell me what scum i am....well...toooo bad.as i told her(i didn't even deign him w/ a response)her prob is not w/ me it is with HIM...& she is not to put any blame on me..at all..i do not even know her.

do not do not do not doubt yourself...what is the flip side?if they're sorry they know then they shouldn't have asked.you did not tie him down & secuce him...when it comes to love & lust there always seemsto be only 2 people in the room...i am just beginning to look at myself in the mirror again & say...you did ok,kid...i was sick all yesterday & this morning i have to tell you...i had been on this board yesterday & all i seemed to see was DON'T TELL....i felt like the only **** in the world...well...i'm telling you...you did good kid.you set yourself free.i'm proud of you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 7:57pm
Just an update...the wife called me two more times at work hanging up..I didn't know what to do ..I don't want any contact with him and certainly didn't want to leave myself open to hear her screaming at me again... so I mailed her a short note, apologizing again and wishing her and her H luck. I let a friend read it before it was sent to make sure it was devoid of any meaness or retrubution (she deserves no anger from me, I am the one who was wrong.) I politely let her know that I wanted to stay out of it, reassured her of the steps I have taken to do so (changing #'s blocking e-mail) and as politely as possible considering the circumstances asked her to stop contacting me at work and indicated if she or her husband continued to call me at work, I would pursue the harassment angle...Wrong thing to do again! It was quiet for a few days but today I get a return letter (MM must have provided the address, since mine had none) reminding me what an idiot I am (like I didn't already know that!!!!) telling me her husband was lying to me the whole time (like I didn't figure that out!!!) and damning my soul to hell (a very Christian thing to do "wink") I wish I could say she hadn't, but she hit her mark good. All the feelings I was burying are right back to the surface, I'm hurt angry, remorseful all over again. I am usually a pretty intelligent person, how come I keep messing up???? I feel hopeless....

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