Hit a rough spot...Can you all help me?
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| Wed, 09-22-2004 - 1:43pm |
Hope you are all doing well. I haven't been able to be on as much lately because I've been kind of careless at work checking the board so often, and I got a little paranoid that someone was going to see the big "Ending an Affair" banner at the top!
I've been doing really well lately, thanks to all of you! It hasn't been easy, but I know this is the right thing to do. I noticed over the weekend that my focus had shifted from getting over XOM and obsessing over wondering what's on his mind to working on my marriage, thinking good things about H, and healing myself and my void. I've been strong and haven't seen him at work or talked to him since last Friday when he IMed me and I told him no more fooling around. I had a great weekend and Monday!
Yesterday was ok, too, but I started thinking about the little signs he gave me and things he said that I ignored. Things like "we are friends, but our connection is only sexual", "you want me to be something else, i can't be anything other than what i am", and most hurtfully...i told him last time we got together that i was just a conquest to him, not a friend...and he replied "you are my friend, no matter what. you're not a conquest- i mean, i know you are into me so that's not much of a conquest." sweet, huh? AND I hooked up with him anyway. All of those things made me so angry and sad yesterday that I was used by someone I used to have such respect for and liked so much. I want to be neutral towards him. Not sad and in pain.
But today, (and this is weird since I was so mad yesterday) I keep thinking about the amazing kisses we shared. Before, and after, anything else happened, we used to just kiss. It was the most incredible kissing I have ever had. We melted into each other. It was magic. It's hard for me to accept that such amazing, passionate kisses came from someone who only wanted to screw me and didn't feel anything for me. (We never did have ic.) And I think about the very beginning when he told me although we both are in committed relationships and would never be together in that way, we had something really cool between us, he liked me a lot and we would always be friends. Things degenerated after that, not physically, but that was the peak of any sweetness or emotional attachment with us. For months I held onto that, and it came back to me again yesterday.
I know, I know. I'm taking my own advice here. I'm not contacting him. (Even though I was tempted so say hello) I'm just having a wave, I guess. Things are getting better with H, but I feel like I will never have a kiss like that again, and that's hard to accept.
I'm hurt, angry, and craving him at the same time.
:(
Hope yall are having a better day.
Lily


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WOW...I've thought that EXACT same thing...uncanny.
I will miss that maybe even more than the sex from my exOM, though I will miss that too. Best in my life, and for him as well. We had an incredible connection.
But I know that it just wasn't meant to be, and what I had, I stole from someone else. That makes it a bit easier to take, in a way.
I love my H dearly, but our sex life will just never be as good. But I can live with that now that I know there are more important things...having someone love you unconditionally and take care of you. I would never have had that from exOM, and the baggage that would have come with him would have destroyed us eventually. I just wish I'd seen that sooner.
I could have written this part: I've been kind of careless at work checking the board so often, and I got a little paranoid that someone was going to see the big "Ending an Affair" banner at the top! It made me laugh, thanks!
You're doing the right thing not seeing him. Don't IM him anymore. Everytime you think of him try to think of your H instead.
I am sorry you are sad and in pain. I know you want to be neutral. I think I'm there. Next time my XMM em's me (if there is a next time) - he's gonna hear me tell him that we are not close friends and never were. I've realized that. It's unfortunate, but true.
Don't be so hard on yourself. I don't know him but I doubt if he was only out to screw you. Afterall, he never did, right?
Don't contact him. You have a H at home and you need to be fair to your M. Believe me, I know how hard it is. As my H and I both lied awake in bed last night not being able to sleep (for different reasons)... The point is you are devoted to your H so you need to focus on that now. Every M goes thru stages, ups and downs.
I never felt passion with H like I did with MM. But I made a choice. Has to be H.
We're all going to go thru these feelings of missing MM, etc. But we've stepped up and put an end to something that would only be destructive.
EM me if you want to talk more, we sound like we have alot in common regarding our MM.
Dallas, that's a great way to look at it. And he stole from my H as well. THAT makes me angry, even though I freely gave it. It was still not right.
Lily
I appreciate your support, and I wish you the best of luck in your journey.
Lily
I've noticed the similarities in your posts, too. I will email you as soon as I have a chance (without H or work people on my back!), or feel free to email me any time. :)
Lily
Thank you TooSmart!
I appreciate hearing that. I want so badly not to feel that way, you know? I was doing fine. Then I go and start feeling warm and fuzzy about someone who clearly didn't appreciate me for the person I am. Funny, I always thought that since he *knew* I struggled with the decision to get together with him for weeks, and really was in a moral dilemna, that would EARN me more from him. Or would cause him to treat me better in fairness or something. Screwed up thinking? I'm sure! It only showed him how much power he did have over me to get me to do something so outside my values or comfort zone. Now THAT'S pathetic! :)
You're name says it all- Thanks for your advice and support!
Lily
I wanted to reply sooner but my husband came home right in the middle of my post last night! Oops!
Don't beat yourself up over your feelings (but don't cave either! You've done so well!)
I've thought about this a lot with my own situation and I really don't want to hate every moment he gave me. This sounds weird, but I want to cool things NOW before they get ugly and part of that reason is purely selfish - I want to have memories of xOM and my wild little fling someday - like when I'm 85 and need to think of the fun things I once did I want to think of xOM and have some good memories. It will be my own little spark then.
Not that it was right, but I still did it and enjoyed the highs - and I have to admit that to myself. It isn't black or white, there will always be some grey areas.
My therapist told me that there is a word in German that means something like only taking one bite of the best apple so you can remember the sweetest best tasting part. She said that not only is this a good time for me to stop the A for obvious reasons (destruction, my marriage etc.) BUT....I can stop BEFORE the apple loses it flavor and doesn't taste good anymore. Now I can have good memories over this before I've hit the bad ones - the desperate feelings and pain that would have come if I continued this. I have had some pain over this and I don't want to let it get worse. Does that make sense at all? I'm having a hard time explaining it. So, think of your xOM and remember it is okay to have some fond memories - you all stopped this before IC and before it was really destructive. Be glad for that! You should be proud of yourself for pulling out at a time that might have been very intense for you - before IC but after lots of talk about it! You didn't wait to crash and burn - you took control FIRST! That is so amazingly STRONG!!!
And, I'm also taking a risk by saying this, but if you were interested in him, he MUST have had some good sides! You did like him for a reason and it is okay to know that as long as you are clear about not getting involved again. Just don't pine away over him and let yourself think about his good attributes too much. Being a good kisser is awesome, but a good person is way better. Go ahead - be shallow and miss the kisses and not the actual MAN! And know that missing the good parts is natural. It might be the hardest part of getting over him! It is all part of the process of getting past this and healing.
My xOM is a way better kisser than my husband. A better lover too in a lot of ways. BUT...sex is just sex and my H is a much better person and the one I want for the long term. The dirty girl in me will always think of sex with xOM and let myself enjoy the memories - but the rest of me knows that great sex doesn't mean a great life.
I may sound shallow here - but that is just my take on it.
Also check out the "how to have hotter sex" board here on ivillage. It may help make things better with H in that department. The longer I go without sex with OM the more I want my husband.
Confession: My H and I had great sex the other night because I woke up to him starting something - and in my sleep I thought it was xOM- and I got really turned on! If I knew it was my H I might not have responded so well. H doesn't know that obviously, but I do.
I'm just glad it turned out well!
Hang in there. You are awesome Lily!
love, Lazy
I just saw this reply you posted and this just hit home,
BUT...sex is just sex and my H is a much better person and the one I want for the long term. The dirty girl in me will always think of sex with xOM and let myself enjoy the memories - but the rest of me knows that great sex doesn't mean a great life.
I am going to read this over and over again and keep reminding myself that I have made the right choice.
Thanks
DAF
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