Hit a rough spot...Can you all help me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Hit a rough spot...Can you all help me?
13
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 1:43pm
Hey Everybody,

Hope you are all doing well. I haven't been able to be on as much lately because I've been kind of careless at work checking the board so often, and I got a little paranoid that someone was going to see the big "Ending an Affair" banner at the top!

I've been doing really well lately, thanks to all of you! It hasn't been easy, but I know this is the right thing to do. I noticed over the weekend that my focus had shifted from getting over XOM and obsessing over wondering what's on his mind to working on my marriage, thinking good things about H, and healing myself and my void. I've been strong and haven't seen him at work or talked to him since last Friday when he IMed me and I told him no more fooling around. I had a great weekend and Monday!

Yesterday was ok, too, but I started thinking about the little signs he gave me and things he said that I ignored. Things like "we are friends, but our connection is only sexual", "you want me to be something else, i can't be anything other than what i am", and most hurtfully...i told him last time we got together that i was just a conquest to him, not a friend...and he replied "you are my friend, no matter what. you're not a conquest- i mean, i know you are into me so that's not much of a conquest." sweet, huh? AND I hooked up with him anyway. All of those things made me so angry and sad yesterday that I was used by someone I used to have such respect for and liked so much. I want to be neutral towards him. Not sad and in pain.

But today, (and this is weird since I was so mad yesterday) I keep thinking about the amazing kisses we shared. Before, and after, anything else happened, we used to just kiss. It was the most incredible kissing I have ever had. We melted into each other. It was magic. It's hard for me to accept that such amazing, passionate kisses came from someone who only wanted to screw me and didn't feel anything for me. (We never did have ic.) And I think about the very beginning when he told me although we both are in committed relationships and would never be together in that way, we had something really cool between us, he liked me a lot and we would always be friends. Things degenerated after that, not physically, but that was the peak of any sweetness or emotional attachment with us. For months I held onto that, and it came back to me again yesterday.

I know, I know. I'm taking my own advice here. I'm not contacting him. (Even though I was tempted so say hello) I'm just having a wave, I guess. Things are getting better with H, but I feel like I will never have a kiss like that again, and that's hard to accept.

I'm hurt, angry, and craving him at the same time.

:(

Hope yall are having a better day.

Love and Thanks,

Lily
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 2:14pm
"Things are getting better with H, but I feel like I will never have a kiss like that again, and that's hard to accept."

WOW...I've thought that EXACT same thing...uncanny.

I will miss that maybe even more than the sex from my exOM, though I will miss that too. Best in my life, and for him as well. We had an incredible connection.

But I know that it just wasn't meant to be, and what I had, I stole from someone else. That makes it a bit easier to take, in a way.

I love my H dearly, but our sex life will just never be as good. But I can live with that now that I know there are more important things...having someone love you unconditionally and take care of you. I would never have had that from exOM, and the baggage that would have come with him would have destroyed us eventually. I just wish I'd seen that sooner.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2004
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 2:22pm
I know exactly where you're coming from. I don't know if I can help much with any solutions. I take it one day at a time. Some times one hour. My xOM was an old friend fom high school. We were the type that could sit on the swings and talk about anything and everything. 13 years later we came back into each others lives and we picked up right where we left off. Talking, laughing, flirting. The connection was so strong (maybe in my mind, maybe not). I know what you mean about the kisses, for me it was the way he touched me like I was a precious jewel. But when I actually look back at the six months, all I was doing is reliving a feeling that I had 13 years ago. I think for him I was the one that had gotten away so I feel I too was a conquest of sorts for him. Maybe a what if? We were together only once. I actually drove 6 hours to see him. Do I ever feel like a fool. He came home to visit the next weekend and never even called. Talk about a slap in the face. I know the used and abused feeling. Trying to come to terms with that is really hard. But I know I have value as a person, as a wife, and as a mother to my boys. My H knows about the affair and we are working to rebuild--I was very close to leaving my marriage before this A happened, it has been the "eye-opener" that has brought us back to a place where we can start to rebuild our foundation. It's a long and painful road, but it is so worth it. We cry a lot and sometimes yell a lot. But time and communication will be our saving grace. When I think wistful thoughts about xOM I listen to LeeAnn Rymes- Life goes on off her Twisted Angel CD--it gets me nice and mad and that helps a little. I don't know if I've helped at all, but I'm hoping you know you are not alone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 2:35pm
lily,

I could have written this part: I've been kind of careless at work checking the board so often, and I got a little paranoid that someone was going to see the big "Ending an Affair" banner at the top! It made me laugh, thanks!

You're doing the right thing not seeing him. Don't IM him anymore. Everytime you think of him try to think of your H instead.

I am sorry you are sad and in pain. I know you want to be neutral. I think I'm there. Next time my XMM em's me (if there is a next time) - he's gonna hear me tell him that we are not close friends and never were. I've realized that. It's unfortunate, but true.

Don't be so hard on yourself. I don't know him but I doubt if he was only out to screw you. Afterall, he never did, right?

Don't contact him. You have a H at home and you need to be fair to your M. Believe me, I know how hard it is. As my H and I both lied awake in bed last night not being able to sleep (for different reasons)... The point is you are devoted to your H so you need to focus on that now. Every M goes thru stages, ups and downs.

I never felt passion with H like I did with MM. But I made a choice. Has to be H.

We're all going to go thru these feelings of missing MM, etc. But we've stepped up and put an end to something that would only be destructive.

EM me if you want to talk more, we sound like we have alot in common regarding our MM.



iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 5:45pm
"But I know that it just wasn't meant to be, and what I had, I stole from someone else. That makes it a bit easier to take, in a way."

Dallas, that's a great way to look at it. And he stole from my H as well. THAT makes me angry, even though I freely gave it. It was still not right.

Love,

Lily
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 5:47pm
Thanks, Broken. I am downloading that song to listen to it! :)

I appreciate your support, and I wish you the best of luck in your journey.
Love,

Lily
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 5:53pm
Thanks Wrkng...

I've noticed the similarities in your posts, too. I will email you as soon as I have a chance (without H or work people on my back!), or feel free to email me any time. :)
Love,

Lily
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 7:04pm
Oh, Lily-I know exactly what you mean about the kissing. Sex with my H. has always been really good, but we never kissed like that. I could have kissed OM for hours, in fact it was my favorite part of the whole physical thing. I dreamed about him 2 nights in a row this weekend and I woke up with this ache in my heart because they were very sweet dreams. I guess we'll always feel some nostalgia for the good parts. I also feel like a fool-he also told me right from go "only physical" and I thought I could do that but apparently not. Then, I made a big jerk of myself at the end, crying to him that I thought he loved me. And this is the icing on the cake-we got together 1 last time to talk and what do you think I ended up doing to him instead? How pathetic, I cringe every time I think about it, it was such a desperate move. But, maybe the embarrassment will help keep me away from him. Anyway, just wanted to tell you, you are definitely not alone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 7:13am

Thank you TooSmart!


I appreciate hearing that. I want so badly not to feel that way, you know? I was doing fine. Then I go and start feeling warm and fuzzy about someone who clearly didn't appreciate me for the person I am. Funny, I always thought that since he *knew* I struggled with the decision to get together with him for weeks, and really was in a moral dilemna, that would EARN me more from him. Or would cause him to treat me better in fairness or something. Screwed up thinking? I'm sure! It only showed him how much power he did have over me to get me to do something so outside my values or comfort zone. Now THAT'S pathetic! :)


You're name says it all- Thanks for your advice and support!

Love,

Lily
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 8:37am
Lily,

I wanted to reply sooner but my husband came home right in the middle of my post last night! Oops!

Don't beat yourself up over your feelings (but don't cave either! You've done so well!)

I've thought about this a lot with my own situation and I really don't want to hate every moment he gave me. This sounds weird, but I want to cool things NOW before they get ugly and part of that reason is purely selfish - I want to have memories of xOM and my wild little fling someday - like when I'm 85 and need to think of the fun things I once did I want to think of xOM and have some good memories. It will be my own little spark then.

Not that it was right, but I still did it and enjoyed the highs - and I have to admit that to myself. It isn't black or white, there will always be some grey areas.

My therapist told me that there is a word in German that means something like only taking one bite of the best apple so you can remember the sweetest best tasting part. She said that not only is this a good time for me to stop the A for obvious reasons (destruction, my marriage etc.) BUT....I can stop BEFORE the apple loses it flavor and doesn't taste good anymore. Now I can have good memories over this before I've hit the bad ones - the desperate feelings and pain that would have come if I continued this. I have had some pain over this and I don't want to let it get worse. Does that make sense at all? I'm having a hard time explaining it. So, think of your xOM and remember it is okay to have some fond memories - you all stopped this before IC and before it was really destructive. Be glad for that! You should be proud of yourself for pulling out at a time that might have been very intense for you - before IC but after lots of talk about it! You didn't wait to crash and burn - you took control FIRST! That is so amazingly STRONG!!!

And, I'm also taking a risk by saying this, but if you were interested in him, he MUST have had some good sides! You did like him for a reason and it is okay to know that as long as you are clear about not getting involved again. Just don't pine away over him and let yourself think about his good attributes too much. Being a good kisser is awesome, but a good person is way better. Go ahead - be shallow and miss the kisses and not the actual MAN! And know that missing the good parts is natural. It might be the hardest part of getting over him! It is all part of the process of getting past this and healing.

My xOM is a way better kisser than my husband. A better lover too in a lot of ways. BUT...sex is just sex and my H is a much better person and the one I want for the long term. The dirty girl in me will always think of sex with xOM and let myself enjoy the memories - but the rest of me knows that great sex doesn't mean a great life.

I may sound shallow here - but that is just my take on it.

Also check out the "how to have hotter sex" board here on ivillage. It may help make things better with H in that department. The longer I go without sex with OM the more I want my husband.

Confession: My H and I had great sex the other night because I woke up to him starting something - and in my sleep I thought it was xOM- and I got really turned on! If I knew it was my H I might not have responded so well. H doesn't know that obviously, but I do.

I'm just glad it turned out well!

Hang in there. You are awesome Lily!

love, Lazy


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 10:38am
Lazy,

I just saw this reply you posted and this just hit home,

BUT...sex is just sex and my H is a much better person and the one I want for the long term. The dirty girl in me will always think of sex with xOM and let myself enjoy the memories - but the rest of me knows that great sex doesn't mean a great life.

I am going to read this over and over again and keep reminding myself that I have made the right choice.

Thanks

DAF

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