Hit a rough spot...Can you all help me?
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| Wed, 09-22-2004 - 1:43pm |
Hope you are all doing well. I haven't been able to be on as much lately because I've been kind of careless at work checking the board so often, and I got a little paranoid that someone was going to see the big "Ending an Affair" banner at the top!
I've been doing really well lately, thanks to all of you! It hasn't been easy, but I know this is the right thing to do. I noticed over the weekend that my focus had shifted from getting over XOM and obsessing over wondering what's on his mind to working on my marriage, thinking good things about H, and healing myself and my void. I've been strong and haven't seen him at work or talked to him since last Friday when he IMed me and I told him no more fooling around. I had a great weekend and Monday!
Yesterday was ok, too, but I started thinking about the little signs he gave me and things he said that I ignored. Things like "we are friends, but our connection is only sexual", "you want me to be something else, i can't be anything other than what i am", and most hurtfully...i told him last time we got together that i was just a conquest to him, not a friend...and he replied "you are my friend, no matter what. you're not a conquest- i mean, i know you are into me so that's not much of a conquest." sweet, huh? AND I hooked up with him anyway. All of those things made me so angry and sad yesterday that I was used by someone I used to have such respect for and liked so much. I want to be neutral towards him. Not sad and in pain.
But today, (and this is weird since I was so mad yesterday) I keep thinking about the amazing kisses we shared. Before, and after, anything else happened, we used to just kiss. It was the most incredible kissing I have ever had. We melted into each other. It was magic. It's hard for me to accept that such amazing, passionate kisses came from someone who only wanted to screw me and didn't feel anything for me. (We never did have ic.) And I think about the very beginning when he told me although we both are in committed relationships and would never be together in that way, we had something really cool between us, he liked me a lot and we would always be friends. Things degenerated after that, not physically, but that was the peak of any sweetness or emotional attachment with us. For months I held onto that, and it came back to me again yesterday.
I know, I know. I'm taking my own advice here. I'm not contacting him. (Even though I was tempted so say hello) I'm just having a wave, I guess. Things are getting better with H, but I feel like I will never have a kiss like that again, and that's hard to accept.
I'm hurt, angry, and craving him at the same time.
:(
Hope yall are having a better day.
Lily


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My therapist said that the chemical nature of sex that generates the "hotness" we all experienced lasts about 18 months. After that, you'd better have something else to fall back on between you.
I know that if MM and I had ended up together, it would have been great for a while...but sooner or later, the baggage would have destroyed us (his vengeful ex, his kid, his family who knows he cheated, my friends and family eventually figuring out how we met). Not to mention his temper and emotional immaturity and lack of financial resources. I have to face it...yes we had a lot in common, yes we laughed a lot, yes we had good times, yes he made me feel alive and sexy and beautiful...we just aren't that compatible, and our families and backgrounds are VERY different. Our relationship would never have lasted.
I try to think of this when it hurts most that I will never see or talk to him again.
I try to think of this when I feel "bored" with my life as it is now. Because what matters in the long run is someone you can count on, someone who loves you unconditionally, someone who you have a history with, someone who shares your values...and I have that with my H. No, the sex isn't spectacular. Yes, I wish he had a great body like the MM. But in the end, neither of those is really that important.
I will always look back on the A with a mixture of regret, guilt, and fantasy...but I will always know that it HAD to end. We had no future together. All we can be for each other is a memory, some pleasant, some not.
I have read so many of your wonderful advice, I am a new comer to this board and it has helped me so much. I am sorry you are having a rough time. I to miss the kissing, very powerful. I just got an e-mail from him a little bit ago and I am having such a hard time trying not to reply, I did delete it so that I would not brake. I hope you are feeling better today. Look forward to seeing more of your postings. Hang in there....
Take Care....
You said:
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BINGO! Mine too. This is exactly like my situation.
My therapist also said that it would run its course and after a time the fast flowing river would slow WAY down and be a trickle - maybe - and then what would be left? I have to say NOTHING! It is sad in a way but also easier to end knowing that.
*SIGH* the sex was good though! I will think about it and even fantasize about it.
Have a good day everyone!
-lazy
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