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| Sun, 07-11-2010 - 8:49am |
2 weeks - this is the longest stretch I've even achieved. I've been doing fairly well - a LOT of waves to ride. I was feeling really OK yesterday until XAP did one of his drive bys while I was mowing the lawn. Fortunately I had on sunglasses. I didn't acknowledge him or even turn my head - I just pretended I didn't even see him. But seeing him sent me into a bit of a tailspin. Why does he do that? That's a rhetorical question, really. I wanted to call him, hear his voice, tell him to meet me at my office. But then my "reality angel" that I've placed on my other shoulder said "Are you freaking nuts? Do you want to sign up for another 7.5 years of hell?" So I cried as I finished mowing.
I have a huge hole right now where XAP used to be. Being a visual person, one thing that I wanted to share that is helping me is this - I draw a circle on a piece of paper to represent the hole. Then I write all of the good, positive things inside the circle - my kids names, friends, running, yoga, new projects at work, EAS (big) etc. and when I'm done it shows me how I can fill the hole with so many things that aren't JAM.
Bodhi

Bodhi!
I am so sorry the X is stalking your so viciously. Kudos to you for staying strong - crying while mowing is so much better than the alternative and I'm really proud of you. Especially since you're only 2 weeks out! You're doing really well.
The Hole idea is genius! It addresses a topic brought up on EAS countless times... "how do I feel the void left". I love the idea of doing a visual to show that that void is already filled, we just have to 'see' what is there. Also, I attached a meaning to it that we have a 'center' and then there is all the negative (blank) space outside of that center - with a line/barrier that is like the wall of a fortress. We're the century on the wall, ykwim?
Thank you for sharing this.
Dee
Dee -
Sorry you're sick (read sex thread) :(
I love what you added - draw the circle nice and thick so nothing that is safe on the inside can get out.
Bodhi
Hi Bodhi,
I'm still only new to this, so don't really know your full story. But he's driving past your house? How painful is that?
I know from the past NCs even before I signed up here, XAP told me that he drives past my street. I don't know how I would cope with that if I saw him.
How are you feeling now? Do you miss him?
I love your circle. It's a good idea... I've lost faith in many people so don't have much to fill it with... although I'm probably just being negative and do.
I'm so sorry that you had to go through that... but I even think you mowing the lawn is a great step... I'm finding it difficult to get up to do anything!
You're a great role model. Can't wait to be on here at NC 2 weeks... that will be my longest.
I can't help wondering, since I changed the number (only yesterday - has he text the other one??) I'll never know. And it shouldn't matter.
Anyways, I've went on about me. I hope you feel good today and those things that are filling your circle are helping!
PikuLou x
I bought myself a teensy tiny diamond cross in the beginning of the end. It was my reminder that I was better than who I was during the affair. Seeing that around my neck every day, was a constant reminder not to go back to the hell of the A.
Hi Piku :)
The quick version: 7 1/2 year long A (I know - scary, huh?) I got divorced about a year into it (which was for the best). The past several years have grown increasingly more and more toxic. When I first went NC, he drove past my office several times during the course of a few days. I moved my computer on my desk so I wouldn't be looking out the window. He drove past my kids and I several times as we were walking to a movie one day. He feels as if he "owns" me or is entitled to me.
It was very painful to see him yesterday - I was doing so well and just the sight of him made me go numb. I guess it's something I'll have to get used to and deal with - he's not going anywhere.
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I'm the opposite - when I'm upset I'm like a tornado. I can't stop moving. And I think that's what was a little upsetting yesterday - for the first time in a long time, I was just mowing my lawn. Enjoying the beautiful day - not trying to escape from something and Bam, there he was. Jerk.
You asked if I missed him - I do, but I keep reminding myself of Ratherbeme's signature at the bottom of his posts:
"We only miss what could have been. I know I dont miss what really was." I miss the fantasy of what I wanted us to have.
I'm sorry you've lost faith in people - I've been there too. I have very few friends because of my big secret. Draw the circle and put anything you can think of in it - coffee, the smell of green grass, etc. and write the words large to fill up the space. Make a fresh circle tomorrow and see what you come up with.
:)
Bodhi
Bodhi,
Looks like your
~Iddy~
Iddy -
No kidding - heaven forbid he ever do anything constructive to fix his life.
I'd be honored to have my circle in the healing library! I'll do that asap.
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I absolutely will - and no question it's a "she" :)
Bodhi
bwhahahahahahaha!
"sorry you're sick (read the sex thread)" that is SO funny out of context.
xo
Dee