hope im in the rite place......

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
hope im in the rite place......
11
Thu, 05-01-2003 - 7:41am
Hello, I don't know If im on the rite board...I have been "surfing" ivillage support group boards for days and can not quite find the rite board for what I have done...I have for 8 months been living in hell. I don't even know where to start....My H and I were new in the Navy and met a couple....I ended up being best friends with her..for 7 years, she was their when my son was born, she meant everything to me until I wanted to pull a surprise visit to come and see her....(I am 1500 miles away) and ended up having an affair with her husband. It was bad, after I slept with him I spend four days looking into her face, and dealing with my emotions with her husband. It took about two weeks after I came home and we were caught talking on the phone. We were loging about 3,000 minutes a month on just my cell phone. My husband was not too happy, to make a long story short, my four kids and I ended up moving out for 4 months, started going through a divorce, there was some violence, and I lost my best friend. I ended up literly having a nervous break down, on medication now but I could not take having the affair, dealing with those emotions and not to mention I was screwed over by this guy in so many more ways than one but mostly emotionally. My kids and I are now living back at home, trying to deal with my husband and his feelings ( he knew him too) my children, and just life, I have not figured out how to get it back together.....I have always thought ov myself as a very loyal person with very high reguard to other peoples feelings and I just blew it, everything I ever believed in....I am lucky to get out of bed everyday now....but like I said, just dont know how to get it together or start to mend with my own family not to mention myself....I have talked to my "friend" several times on the phone but I don't know if it is doing us any good, I end up crying and telling her things that I know hurt her very deeply, not intentianaly but I get so mad trying to defend my self and make some sence to her that it just comes out that way....She has asked me to send her the letters he wrote and phone bills, and airline tickets...I think I owe it to her???

Thanks for listning and I hope I am on the rite board...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-01-2003 - 8:32am
Lydia,

I wish I could reach through the screen and give you a big hug. Yes, you are in the right place. You've been through so much pain and I can feel it come through in your words...

You have not been back home very long, and no one can say how much time it takes to start to heal. You say you are on medication now, but are you also in therapy (to be able to TALK)? What about marital therapy? I would highly recommend both if you aren't already doing so.

You seem very concerned about losing your friend (the W), and I understand that. But perhaps right now she needs time to sort out her own life and her marriage without continuing contact with you. She might never "understand", and it is painful to hear, but there is no guarantee the friendship can survive.

More importantly though - do you want your marriage still? Are you back home because you want to be there or because of all the struggles you are going through and feeling like you can't handle it on your own...? What about your H? Does he want to make it work with you and what is he doing to try to get through this?

I am very concerned about you being on medication (antidepressants, I'm assuming?) but still you are barely able to get out of bed in the morning... does your doctor know this?

This board can be a wonderful place to come for support and advice, I hope you will stick around. Give yourself and your H and your marriage some time to deal with all of this... time and getting help - those are the most important things right now...

Hugs

Glinda

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 12:13am
Thank you for such a nice reply, I had posted on another board and got told very quickly that I was on the WRONG board. It was hard enough to get my guts up to talk about it....but I cried when I read the first line of your reply....thank you

No I am not in theropy yet. I plan on going but have not brought myself to make an appointment. I don't know where I would start. I am going to go but just getting my guts up to make the appointment, and as far as mariage theropy....not yet, I think I need to go first and get myself together before I can try to talk about this deeply with my husband. He has been suportive, and forgiving but I am not able to bring him into MY emotions yet....

I have been talking to the "W" a lot expecially the last few days, for hours at a time. Most of the time I spend crying and even after we get off the phone I cry. I know that she is desprate for the information I have and im sure after I send it she will not contact me again. Her and her husband are still together and If I was to send that stuff...I don't know what would happen, I am very torn but then again, I knew when I had this affair that I was taking a chance on my friendship and I made the wrong choice. I just didnt know how painful it would be for it to not work out and then have to deal with having no one.

By the time I came home, I was close to needing to be hospitalized. I came home because I do love my husband and I have four kids. It was hard and almost seemed impossible but he has been as supportive as he can be. I have been horrible. I dont want to leave the house, dont want to do anything but sleep, house work.....HA He is very insecure and I know he is watching me and monorting phone calls, I dont have my cell phone anymore and that I agreed to....but now he is expressing his needs for attention and affection and I have such a hard time doing it and have no answer for him why....

I have been put on two anti depressents and sleeping medication and something else...I am on the max dose of Celexa and Serizone, Zanaz and Ambion....nothing works...or maybe it is working and I just don't realize how much worse it could be.

I am going to stick around...just the last few letters I have written have made me feel so much better!

Thanks!

Talk to you soon

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 3:12am
You did find the right place Lydia! You need to focus on you for the moment! I would strongly advise against sending your friend any of this info! It can come back and bite you hard and everyone here has been hurt enough. It's way past time for you to simply apologize to her and turn towards your family. Pick up the pieces of your life and walk on! I don't mean to sound harsh! I do mean to be strong with you though. You are taking a lot of meds. No counseling? Both go hand in hand! Meds won't fix things alone! Do both and do it now please!!!!!!!!???????? This is no longer about just you, you have children and a husband depending on you to get out of bed every morning. Don't let them down!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 7:28am
Lydia,

Again, I can just feel how sad you are. You are depressed - the actual clinical diagnosis of depressed - one major symptom of that is the inability to just function through daily life - this is why you can't get out of bed or leave the house or just get anything done...

And the meds might be making it somewhat better than if you weren't on anything (although it could also be part of why you're tired with the Xanax and Ambien??? Maybe you could ask your doc about that if you are very tired...) -- I can't say enough how much COUNSELING -- THERAPY should become part of your healing - as soon as possible. Please... being depressed and alone is the worst feeling and the sooner you start to deal with it the better you'll feel and the more you can start to function again... And the COMBINATION of medication and therapy is THE most effective way to treat depression.

I was depressed during and after my affair - I didn't get medication, because I was still able to function so my therapist didn't feel it was necessary (although I was not functioning as well as I did before the depression). But once I finally started therapy, all I could think was "what took me so long???" I wish I had started it months before I actually did... And if for ANY reason you do start and don't like the therapist - find a new one - don't give up on it, ok????

I know that you just want to stop hurting, stop crying... you will need to learn to forgive yourself eventually... but for now please focus on just trying to get back to functioning. Your H and kids need you, and YOU need to climb out of this darkness... and it IS possible. I promise you that...

Hugs

Glinda

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 9:39am
Lydia -

We all feel your pain from this nightmare you are living in right now.

I can't emphasize enough how much you need counseling/therapy. I would recommend starting with counseling for yourself first, before you do joint counseling with your H. You need to get your mind and emotions stabalized before you will be able to deal with others.

I would also recommend reducing the amount of time you spend talking with W, your friend. I know that you are trying to heal the wounds, "make things better", but you know, that might not happen. What goes on between her and her H now are not really up to you. I wouldn't send her anything; if she needs answers she should turn to H, you were only half of the affair!! It seems to me that HE owes her some explanation. At this point, you can't make excuses, defend yourself or anything. About all you can do is say that you are sorry; it sounds to me like you really are.

I know this must be difficult for you. But EVERYONE makes mistakes in life. Everyone has hurt people they care for. But it is done now. You can stay in bed, or you can get up and vow to make your next steps better. You can't keep kicking yourself and crying. You need to tell people that you are sorry, that it was a mistake, and try to figure out how to move FORWARD from here. I guess one of my best pieces of advice that I ever heard was that it doesn't matter so much how we got to this point, what matters is where we go from here. Every day is a new beginning, and you can choose to start making things different.

Right now you need support and strength. You are not going to get it from your (ex) friend, she is not going to feel a lot of sympathy for you right now. Do you have any other friends that you can trust and rely on? Can you get to a good counselor? I am glad that you came here. Let us know how you are doing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Mon, 05-05-2003 - 4:09pm
You guys have been so supportive and so knowlagable...excuse my spelling....anyway, I have had a pretty good week. I know I have gotten a lot of advice not to talk to the W but really it has broughten me a lot of piece. I guess I am very emotional and used to be very loyal, expecially to her. I have gotten a lot of things off my chest and I guess Im starting to not bear ALL the weight of what happened and that has come from talking to her. I know our friendship will never be the same, and I know that everytime she calls me may very well be the last but for me it has helped....just to unload, I have no one else....I talked to my sister in law a little bit today and told her a little bit about talking to the "W" and cried....I figured I am so sick of the tears. I have a permenent place on my lower lid that has swollen and I have lost my eyelashes from crying and wiping tears.....I am sick of it and finally called my insurance today for theropy. I get 25 visits per calender year and have to pay 50%...HELLO!!! I have four kids! I can not afford that!!! What do I do now? Who do I go to and with all the meds im taking I dont think I need to see just a theropist.....anybody have any ideas??

Thank you so much, I can not wait until I am at the point to respond and help people like you guys do!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-05-2003 - 4:20pm
Lydia...

I am so sorry that your therapy isn't covered enough for you to afford it... is there a clinic somewhere in town that maybe offers discounted therapy based on financial need? Or maybe there is a therapist who would be willing to accept the insurance payment as full payment???

I know that it's costing me (us) a lot for therapy - my insurance sucks too... but it has literally saved my life to go to therapy... and maybe my marriage too even if H has only gone twice with me...

If nothing else, I'm glad you talked to your SIL, and keep coming here to vent, ask for advice, just have some support...

Hugs

Glinda

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Tue, 05-06-2003 - 12:29am
Hello, Yes, I am going to research more now, I know there has to be somewhere that someone would work out something, I just could not believe my ears!!! It would be nice to have a pro to help out....and maybe sort out meds...Im not sure I should be on so many....It makes me feel crazy that my dr. thinks I need so much!!! I am just overwhelmed with my H who is VERY insecure rite now and not to mention there is so much more to my story. He is facing felony assult charges for what he did to me when he found out....Yes, your asking why am I here??? Four kids and my house and I guess I have no real answer...He is actually an instructor for the Navy (not in the Navy anymore just contracted) and has a great job but has taken this really hard. I have not been very supportive to him, I can not forgive him for what he did in front of my kids and even my family members dont understand and really are not speaking to me for going back. His issues are all about what I did, and my issues are that personally...but I can not get past the severe ass kicking and everything else that happened when I was gone for months... but for him, it is a trust factor, about me. Yes, I need to find someone quick!!! I have my own account now and have refused to go joint again and not to mention he has a court date this month that may send him to jail....that is a whole other issue but yes, Im working on finding a pro to talk to. This has been the biggest mess I have EVER been in and I just can not wait for it to end....I know it will reading posts and articals but Im just waiting for that time to come!!! I will be having a big party!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Tue, 05-06-2003 - 10:00pm
Lydia -

Sorry I missed you yesterday. My kid messed up the computer and I could not log in.

Check with your church for counseling service. I know that sounds crazy - but they are there to help. My church offers free counseling, and my minister would counsel someone as grief-stricken as you are! Many churches are not there to condemn, but to help. If you don't go to a church, check out someone else's church. But please please please get the help and support you need to get back on your feet and on the right track again with the many other things in your life that I am sure are great things. Spend some time thinking about other areas of your life where you have made a difference, done a terrific job, supported someone else! I bet that you are a real winner. If you read a lot of the other postings you will see that not everyone feels the remorse that you do. I don't. I sort of wish that I did, but I don't. So I admire you for being a good person and knowing right from wrong.

Let me know how you are doing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Thu, 05-08-2003 - 10:02pm
Lydia -

Still thinking about you.

After I heard that you were abused by your H - well that at least opens up some other counseling opportunities to you. There must be a "domestic violence" center in your area, or nearby. You can usually get help at these places, and reasonable counseling. Look into that as an option. And yes, you can admit that you had an affair, and no one there will agree with your husband's reaction. They can help with a lot of what you are feeling.

Take care.

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