Hope0518 (again!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Hope0518 (again!)
3
Tue, 05-13-2003 - 8:11am
Hope, I think I wrote your post, only it was a few months ago...

I too am married with 2 kids... and each time I was with XMM I felt even worse afterwards... Please, you have to find a way to stop - I reached the point where I think the ONLY reason I didn't attempt suicide was because of my children... the guilt, the pain, the hopelessness - all got to be too much and I felt I would never get out of the cycle with XMM, never ever smile again... If you are really like I was, and you feel worse after every time with the OM, please please end it before you reach the lowest of lows... It's not a place I'd wish on anyone...

Like you, I have a life that most people, looking in from the outside, would envy. But still, we're not happy. The OM are an escape - we need to figure out what we're trying to get from them that is missing INSIDE OF US. It's not missing in our marriage, it's not about sex or love... it's something inside of us that is needy or empty or hurt or somehow not ok. I haven't figured it out yet, but I'm in therapy, I'm not sleeping with my XMM anymore (although I still have contact and talk too much so I'm hardly healed from him), and I do at least know that whatever is wrong is NOT going to be fixed by going back to him.

It's REALLY strange - so much in common... My XMM is now "in love" with another woman... not me, not his W... although this OW did have an A with him, unlike your friend, the bottom line is the OM do NOT love us, and they are BAD NEWS. Please don't put yourself down talking about your "moral character"... I believe that ANYONE can slip, anyone can do something that is OUT of character for them... Maybe your friend just isn't in a place in her life where she is vulnerable, and I hope she never gets to a place where she is - but you are NOT a bad person - just a sad, lonely person who made a BIG mistake that came from a core of pain inside...

>> He and I have said from the beginning it is just physical. I have used him as much as he as used me but it still hurts. I don't want to care about him but I wish he cared for me. I really wish that I would have never crossed the line. My husband loves me and would never cheat. I can never tell him the truth because I would lose everything. I just want to stop wanting this other person but it is so hard. I do not want to lose everything that I love and have worked so hard to get over someone who has only used me for his own headgames and needs. I would never choose this person for a life partner. <<

Really, I feel like I'm reading my own words here... I said EVERYTHING you are saying... XMM and I said it was only going to be physical (and I thought I could just not let it affect my marriage - I could keep it separate - WRONG)... I didn't want to care about him - I still don't want to - but I do. My H loves me, has never cheated and I don't think he ever would (although I never say never anymore). I have chosen to not confess to my H, but the burden is a VERY heavy one... I would never choose someone like my XMM for a life partner... yet here we are, right?

Hope... please... all I can say is that you DO have the strength inside you to end this. Sometimes it has to get very bad before we can pull ourselves up from the depths... but the fact that you came here, keep coming back here, tells me that you ARE READY. I'll hold your hand... email me if you want to talk more (just click on my name and in my profile you can click to send me mail)... post here as much as you need to... the people here are so wise and supportive... I just see myself, a few months ago, in your posts... and I know where you are... and I know you will be ok but it will be one of the hardest things you've ever had to do... Just know you don't have to do this alone.

Hugs

Glinda

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Tue, 05-13-2003 - 12:24pm
Glinda, what a name! Sorry, I just had to say that to you dearie. I hope its not you real name. I found a couple of interesting notes in your post. You say you had been contemplating suicide because of OM/MM? Did you seek therapy for that or are you in therapy right now? I am sorry if you have said it before, I did not read that obviously. Also, why do you persist in TALKING to you MM and finding about his current escapades with other OW? You need to heal from all the crap you have been through in you r EMA. Even though you might be acting as his friend by listening to his problems, his problems are his, he can deal with them without your help, so quit talking to him already! HUGS to you, Glinda.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-13-2003 - 3:21pm
Hi NL,

LOL about my name... No, Glinda isn't on my birth certificate, but actually I kinda like it!

I maybe wasn't totally clear in what I wrote before... I never got to the point where I would have attempted to kill myself. I just felt that I would NEVER be happy again... and I guess I felt like if a bus ran me over, that would be just fine... Luckily, because if I hadn't ended the affair, who knows, I never got so low that I would have taken action to end things... I do know I was (am still, to some extent) depressed. And yes - I finally started therapy - I wish I had done it sooner... it wasn't until the affair ended. If I had not ended the affair, I wouldn't like to contemplate what the next "worse" emotional state might have been... So hard to deal with guilt and despair, and I have great empathy for the pain people go through...

So my words to Hope really were more about knowing that there wasn't much lower I could have gone, emotionally... but I didn't want to stay with XMM and find out. I had given up on the possibility of climbing out of the pits and being happy again...

As for why I persist in talking to XMM... I can't answer that. I'm working on it... I actually did well today and managed to keep it to "hello, goodbye" even though we were in the same room for over an hour... I'm just taking this a day, sometimes a minute, at a time right now...

Thank you for caring,

Glinda

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Tue, 05-13-2003 - 3:45pm
Keep working on it Glinda. I know you can make it! HUGS...