Hope0518 - My reply to you

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Hope0518 - My reply to you
7
Mon, 05-05-2003 - 7:32am
Hope,

I don't know that I have an exact answer for how you can get out of this cycle. I wasn't able to end my A on the first (or 2nd) try... a lot of what finally did it for me was how depressed I was getting - worse and worse each time I fell back into the A again. I finally got to the point where I was more afraid of the depression than of losing XMM - VERY depressed.

Saying you don't want to be with your OM is great intellectually, but in your heart you obviously DO want him. And he would not be a good choice for a life partner and it wouldn't work out, but it's HARD to FEEL that in your heart. I say that because my XMM is not someone I would ever describe or pick logically as a life partner. My H is almost everything I'd say I wanted in a man - XMM has MUCH less education, much lower income, no morals, our backgrounds are absolute opposites, he doesn't share most of my interests - doesn't even like to read, doesn't follow the news or have any intellectual interests... but he's WILD and SEXY and he wanted ME... He made me feel excitement and desired. He's the bad boy (tattoos and motorcyle and all!) to my repressed good girl self that had always made the "right" choices. You said it yourself "he is so exciting and makes me feel special but also makes me hate myself."

I wish you could trust just one good friend with this - I did and it helped so much to have someone to talk to. Or therapy - I started therapy after it was over and all I thought once I went was that I wished I had done it months earlier... Coming to this board is a great help too. Mostly, for me it was a matter of realizing that I had lost who I was and I might never get "me" back again if I didn't get out right then and there. I didn't want to be this tearful obsessed depressed shell of a person anymore.

Good luck - you seem like you're at the point where the pain is greater than the pleasure... that's the time to leave the affair... you are SO MUCH stronger than you know - prove it to yourself - you can do it.

Glinda

Avatar for raspberrykat
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-05-2003 - 10:21am
Glinda

This is just to weird. My XOM was also the bad guy, tattoos, harley ..... Also 3 times around before it ended, and the depression! But you know something? So was my H when I first met him .... he was on probation, was always a trouble maker at school ..... partied, smoked pot! What is it that makes a woman want the "bad" guy? Must be the excitement and the "repressed" good girl!! Now H is a respected business man .....

Well one good thing, H now has a Harley too ...... what a great time. No tattoos for me though, did get my belly pierced!

I think the advice you gave is right on the money. Talking to a therapist to help figure things out, and comming to this board is also one of the best things I've done.

Stay strong! *HUGS*

K

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-05-2003 - 3:52pm
Kat - really? You too?? What is it about the bad boys? My H was never a bad boy though - he's always been soooo good... straight-A's, all the honors and awards, very responsible professional "important" white-collar job... too smart for words and an overachiever and hard worker and honest... never a Harley or a tattoo! A lot to live up to as his W sometimes...

When I was first going back and forth with the XMM... when I was still telling him that I wanted him too but I could "never" do that to my H (HAH!), I told him I had always been the good girl and that would never change - it was too ingrained in me to always make the right choices, do the right thing... Funny now, to remember that conversation so clearly... Sometimes I think that even though I never dated bad boys when I was young, I was drawn to XMM because he was DIFFERENT. Total opposite of my H in every single way... Food for thought, eh?

Hugs

Glinda

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 05-05-2003 - 4:10pm
Glinda, I don't post much anymore, but I had to respond cause this really made me giggle. I married the bad boy. Tatoos, Harley (his mom even rides one!)the whole deal. Our first date was a Grateful Dead show. My xmm is the exact opposite, sells real estate, coaches hockey, very civic minded. hmmm, do you think secretely I always wanted to be the good girl? Maybe we just always want what we don't have...
Avatar for raspberrykat
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-05-2003 - 6:29pm
My H & XOM aren't to far appart ..... they both have Eagle tattoos, although H got his years ago before they were all the rage, both have same dark color hair, goatees, love Harley's..... they even like eachother! (OM has those awesome blue eyes tho! LOL)

I hope for you things are getting better. Strange how everything looks so different when you can finally take a step away and see reality. For me it is still taking time, but every day is a bit better, with a back step once in a while. At least some days the "fog of depression" is not so thick, and even lifts completely for periods of time.

BTW.... how are your classes going?

K

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-05-2003 - 8:54pm
Hey Kat...

We even picked the same icon!

My XMM and H both have blue eyes, but that's about the only thing in common at all between them... can't think of ONE other thing similar, except they both were with me...

Thanks for asking about me... I actually had a pretty bad day - just an emotional day and I thought I was pretty immune to XMM at this point... but he was so damn nice to me (in a "friends" way) and was telling me that he really admired me for sticking with my H and working so hard on our marriage... and then somehow he did flirt - just a little - for the first time in a long time - and I think it's like a reflex or something for me because he said something about my figure, and if ANY other man said that to me, I'd probably slap them - but he said it and I swear I wanted to melt into him... I had such an incredibly strong physical reaction to him... I haven't felt like that or wanted him like that in a long time... and it really threw me for a loop.

I told him that I can't be with him, now or ever again, BECAUSE Of how strong my feelings for him still are and how much the whole thing hurts me... and he said again how much he really does like me and that he cares a lot about me - BUT he knows his caring isn't the same level as mine and he would never lie and say he was in love just to get me back... And he wasn't pushy or aggressive, and we both said again that we are good friends and nothing else... but for the first time in a long time, for some reason, I just REALLY missed him today... physically and emotionally... and I need to step back from the friendship, I know, if it starts to interfere with my marriage. Like NOW, before I lose control and it turns into more than a momentary lapse of emotion... a small regression versus me saying or doing something I'd really regret.

So I know he won't be around tomorrow and that is GOOD because it gives me some time to get my head on straighter again... I can't fall back into playing with fire... I have said, as I've struggled with the friendship issue, that I would step back if I felt weak around him. So if I see him later this week and the feelings flood over me and are intense, I will step back from the situation and NOT talk to him... I can do this - I am strong enough to do the right thing. I will not turn let the friendship be painful to me or destructive to my marriage.

I just wish I knew the "cure" for love...

Glinda

Avatar for raspberrykat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-06-2003 - 9:44am
I guess the only cure is time ...........I'm sorry you had a bad day *hugs*

I know it's hard when you still have contact to overcome those "emotional" moments, especially when he is right in front of you and flirting. Do you think it is because you are still "needing" soemthing? You said he said something to you that you would not allow any other man to say to you ... do you find you have a hard time setting boundries with XMM? I know I do with my OM .... to many intimate conversations. Things have been a bit better lately, I haven't talked to him in almost two weeks. I've had opportunities to talk to him but I've let them slide by. I find myself missing him today, but I have a busy afternoon. I have my therapy this afternoon, have to take my dog for a hair cut and have to take my truck in for service. Staying busy helps ....

Another question .... are you able to have sexual relations with your H? (hope thats not to personal!) And how about talking with H, does he listen to you? Are you able to talk emotionally with H? All of my conversations with H are so much on the surface, nothing deep or emotional like the conversations with OM.

I think you might be kind of lucky in one way .... your XMM does not say the words "I Love You" .... I still hear them from time to time for OM .... but it is a different love. We always agreed we would remain friends, it's just hard sometimes, for both of us.

You are so strong, I love the way you can look at your situation and know what you need to do. Be Strong g/f!!!

*hugs*

K

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-06-2003 - 11:10am
Kat,

I'm so glad you asked some good questions... I'm the kind of person that really does need to think things out (too much sometimes)...

>> You said he said something to you that you would not allow any other man to say to you ... do you find you have a hard time setting boundries with XMM? I know I do with my OM <<

Yes, it's hard for me to set boundaries (although I usually do say something like "we can't talk about that" and he stops)... the comment he made was about the pants I was wearing making me look very good (which is already over a line really) but then later he said that whenever I wear those pants, all he can think about is ripping them off of me right then and there. THAT comment should result in a slap, right? And for quite a while lately he hasn't talked like that and the few times he has, I've just rolled my eyes at him and been fine. But yesterday, it took every bit of my willpower to not say "ok go for it"... and like I said, the purely physical response I had to those words was scary... you know what I mean...

It's better when we're busy... I don't have therapy til tomorrow - wish it was today like yours is... wish it was DAILY sometimes!

>> are you able to have sexual relations with your H? (hope thats not to personal!) And how about talking with H, does he listen to you? Are you able to talk emotionally with H? All of my conversations with H are so much on the surface, nothing deep or emotional like the conversations with OM. <<

Yes, I have sex with my H, and it's actually an area we're really focusing on improving (I won't go into a lot of detail here but we are REALLY working on some specific things to improve it). But sex was one thing that was incredible with me and XMM and I don't even hope for my H to ever be like that... I just want it to be better than it is now.

I try to talk to my H emotionally, but there are so many landmines to avoid sometimes... I would think after 18 years that I could talk more deeply to him, but often I just feel like you said - it's just on the surface... I think I'm scared because our emotional talks sometimes lead to blowups, or just me being very disappointed (he almost always says "I am doing my best, I try my hardest" as an answer to whatever I say) and I just want to SCREAM in frustration when he slams the door in my face like that. So I get avoidant rather than risk "failure"...

>> You are so strong, I love the way you can look at your situation and know what you need to do. Be Strong g/f!!! <<

I'm trying. It's a lot easier to know what I SHOULD do or need to do, than to do it. I knew, after all, that I shouldn't flirt with or sleep with XMM way back when... right?

Hope you have a wonderful day... if you ever want to email with me, please click on my profile to reach me - I would like to talk more to you sometime, I think we have a lot in common...

Glinda