Hope0518 - My reply to you
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|Mon, 05-05-2003 - 7:32am|
I don't know that I have an exact answer for how you can get out of this cycle. I wasn't able to end my A on the first (or 2nd) try... a lot of what finally did it for me was how depressed I was getting - worse and worse each time I fell back into the A again. I finally got to the point where I was more afraid of the depression than of losing XMM - VERY depressed.
Saying you don't want to be with your OM is great intellectually, but in your heart you obviously DO want him. And he would not be a good choice for a life partner and it wouldn't work out, but it's HARD to FEEL that in your heart. I say that because my XMM is not someone I would ever describe or pick logically as a life partner. My H is almost everything I'd say I wanted in a man - XMM has MUCH less education, much lower income, no morals, our backgrounds are absolute opposites, he doesn't share most of my interests - doesn't even like to read, doesn't follow the news or have any intellectual interests... but he's WILD and SEXY and he wanted ME... He made me feel excitement and desired. He's the bad boy (tattoos and motorcyle and all!) to my repressed good girl self that had always made the "right" choices. You said it yourself "he is so exciting and makes me feel special but also makes me hate myself."
I wish you could trust just one good friend with this - I did and it helped so much to have someone to talk to. Or therapy - I started therapy after it was over and all I thought once I went was that I wished I had done it months earlier... Coming to this board is a great help too. Mostly, for me it was a matter of realizing that I had lost who I was and I might never get "me" back again if I didn't get out right then and there. I didn't want to be this tearful obsessed depressed shell of a person anymore.
Good luck - you seem like you're at the point where the pain is greater than the pleasure... that's the time to leave the affair... you are SO MUCH stronger than you know - prove it to yourself - you can do it.