Hopefully I am doing the right thing

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
Hopefully I am doing the right thing
1
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 9:51am


I made it thru my second weekend without OM so that makes 1 week and 2 days of NC. I was doing fine all weekend because I kept busy, didn't go on line at all and even kept my cell phone OFF for most of Saturday and all of Sunday (first time in 1 1/2 years). BUT last night when I was all alone, the tears came again (first time in 2 days). I really miss OM and it hurts that he isn't in my life. Before you guys yell at me, I do realize this is the right thing to do, that I need to work on my M, that I need to make things better with H. I think you guys were right removing him from my buddy list and cell phone helps because I took away the access to OM.

Saturday afternoon into the night a few friends, H, DD and I went to a big concert and we had a great time. I can't say that H's constant questioning isn't annoying at times, but I am trying not to show that too him. Sometimes I think maybe I should send OM an email and just check on him, just to see if he is ok, and then I start writing one to him and end up deleting it. When it comes down to it, what else can be said between us, it is over, I can't contact him any longer because if H ever found out my M would be over (one of H's conditions).

This morning has been hard for some reason so I figured I would get everything out on here and maybe it would help deal with this urge to talk to OM. Sorry for rambling, but thanks for listening and being there.

DAF

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 12:41pm
Hey DAF, congrats on the second weekend of NC! That being said, I feel for the state you're in this morning. I ended my A 7 months ago and I feel the same way today. Be warned, every once in awhile these feelings will come up. I don't think the feelings are a sign that you made a mistake or anything like that, just that you miss him, which is a natural feeling so don't beat yourself up.

With that, your M is conditional upon NC with your XMM, huh? I'd say that means, if you want to keep your M intact, you've got to respect your H's wishes. And if you don't and go behind his back to contact XMM, that's not going to feel very good, is it? And it won't accomplish anything, will it? It'll dredge up old feelings and leave you in more pain than you're already in.

I often wonder how my XMM is, how life is treating him, etc. But whenever I get the good idea to contact him, or whenever I think we could meet for lunch as "friends," I "play the tape forward." What consequences will there be to my actions? I don't want to fall back into the pattern of lying to my H about where I am, what I'm doing, etc. I don't want to go back to seeing less of my kids and spending less time taking care of my home because I'm out running around with XMM. The pay-off just isn't worth it, particularly if you don't have a future with your XMM.

So my advice is that you do exactly what you did: vent here to all of us how struggle to put that phone down, try not to drive by his house, work, etc. It does get easier not to break NC, although I cannot promise that you won't continue to think about him and occasionally be tempted. Eventually, you'll learn to deal more comfortably with the feelings and urges. Best wishes, honey! Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10