Hopefully, my last post

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Hopefully, my last post
4
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 5:18pm
I have returned from my two weeks in Paris. The trip was wonderful. I did very little thinking about my marriage or XMM while there. The only time i really did think of xMM was one day while i was shopping near the Eiffel Tower. Something i saw triggered a memory of him that i had long ago forgotten. It was a time that he came to my house on his way home from work. He was dressed beautifully--coat and tie. He sat down on my sofa and breathed a heavy sigh and said: Oh, how i wish you could go to your kitchen, pour me a big glass of wine and i could sit with you here on this sofa all night and talk with you, tell you about my day, and rub your beautiful feet.

I met my cousin about an hour later at the Eiffel Tower for lunch at the Jules Vernes restaurant. I sobbed and sobbed over my tres chere lunch, high above that beautiful city, remembering that lovely moment. She cried too watching my pain--that i don't have a husband that would ever say such a thing to me. I also did think of him while shopping elsewhere: he loves everything--olive oil, fine tea, expensive ties. . . I could have brought him home a dozen gifts--and yet i could not find anything for my husband. That made me cry too.

We are still in contact--although very limited. He will call me once in a while or send me an email. He wrote me a note wondering if i was home from Europe. But in all his notes back to me, he always (either on purpose or subconsciously) says things to tell me he is very much in love with his wife. He always mentions her.

Sadly, i yearn that he will take the bait from me--write me a note that says: "I miss you! I would love to see you again! Can we meet at our favorite spot for a picnic?" But he doesn't--he hasn't said any of that to me in a long time.

I still haven't figured out what to do with my marriage. Upon returning from Paris, i invited my husband to come back to sleep in our bedroom (he hasn't been there since February). I cannot tolerate the state of ambiguity we've been in. I told him i simply needed for him to show me he loved me. That was it. So far, sadly, it's not working out too well. As i've gone thru this painful last year, i do believe i am steps closer to being OK with deciding on divorce. I just still don't have an answer to that, right now. I do consider, staying and perhaps finding another lover--this time, one who is not so wracked with guilt and confusion. I know this is a bad idea, but i think about it--that doesn't mean i will do it. The only other time i cried during the trip, was at our local airport. There was a man saying goodbye to his wife at the security gate. They had 3 young children at their feet. He kissed her so passionately--it completely blew me away. My husband chose to not drive me to the airport.

I do feel, that i should stop posting here. I think that will signify a huge step in my recovery. I worry constantly, that i haven't closed out my browser and that my husband will discover this website. But more importantly, i feel i need to spend some time doing things for myself and my children (like finally finishing their quilts for their beds i started 2 years ago!). I reserve the right, though, to be welcomed back here--because i know my thoughts and feelings for xMM will not go away. They haven't gone away thus far--and it's almost the year anniversary since our love affair officially ended.

I am blessed that i knew and loved this man. It still breaks my heart i can't and will never have him. But i am a better person for having loved him and he, for me.

I wish you all the very best in your journeys. This time has absolutely been the most painful of my life and i wouldn't wish it on anyone, ever. But know, we are all bigger and better and stronger as a result for the happiness, the joy and the pain we all know we have the capacity to feel.

I will sign off now as Clarice--my grandmother's name which i have used here with great pride and love. I cry now at the thought of not being in touch with all of you--but it really is the best thing for me right now.

All my love always,

Clarice





iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 9:03pm
Clarice, I'm so sad, but it is always a good thing when someone moves past this board! You were a big, big help to me when I first came here a few months ago and I appreciate your candor and insight. I will miss you and I wish you the very best; I really hope you find the peace you are looking for. And of course I will be glad to hear from you if you decide to stop back in once in awhile! :)

xo,

K.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 10:08am

Clarice, good-bye and good luck with your journey. It is difficult to live in a marriage without loving support with some passion thrown in for good measure.


You have the right to a life with a partner that matches your needs and you;ve been married long enough to know that you're not in a mutually supportive marriage.


I had affairs for 17 years trying to deal with the imbalance in my marriage. I urge you to not have another affair as a means to enable you to stay in your imbalanced marriage. Doing so only continues the patterns of lying and secrets. Not to mention the unnecessary high levels of stress to maintain 2 lives.


Divorce is difficult, yet surviveable. I anguished over its potential effects upon me and my children. The pre-action notions of doom and gloom I had far exceeded the actual reality of post-divorce life. I suggest you continue to explore your options, get your divorce

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 4:01pm
came back here to see how you were doing and I find that you are leaving. Please stay well. You are making a good decision to focus on your children...Something simple like finishing a quilt speaks volumes.

HUGS

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 4:11pm
Dear Clarice: You're been a very big part of the end of my A and I'm so grateful for all the love and support you've sent that kept me at NC. As you've probably noticed, I also pretty much stopped coming to this Board. Truth is, I really don't feel that I need to be here. I can't tell you why and I feel guilty saying this, but ending my A seems easier than the struggles some others have had. Sometimes I think that I've just had so much loss during the last few years of my life that I'm either numb, or this is just one more loss and no where near as significant as the others. (I'm sorry if that sounds mean, but I lost a child, and that's the kind of pain you never get over.)

I think you're a poet, Clarice. I think you have an exciting flair for the dramatic and romantic, which probably makes loss sting more for you. But I know you'll be fine. You're insightful and intelligent and you deserve a much more complete love in your life than either of these 2 men is offering you. It's out there for you, I'm sure.

Love, and Best of Luck to You! Mo.

mo 7-18-10