Is this Hopeless?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2005
Is this Hopeless?
4
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 7:00pm

Everyone here seems to be in agreement, NO CONTACT is the best way and even then it seems to be very hard. In my case, limited contact is the best I can do and even then I might as well hang out a big sign saying we were having an affair. We were very good friends for years and everyone knows it. I am so tired of pretending, I have been doing too much of that these last few years and now I have to pretend with him too. Pretend that this is not tearing me up inside to see him with someone else. I want to be over these feelings but I'm not there yet. I am getting panicked because of the holiday weekend coming up, where H and I and a few other friends are camping and fourwheeling at XOM's place. We have done this the past couple of years and I had a lot of fun, mostly because OM was there. I am so dreading this, there is no way to get out of going, and I am getting more nervous about it every day. I still miss my friend, not the sex, (there was very little of that) but the very close bond I thought we shared. Fantasy?? Probably, but I can't get past it. I guess my question is can this be done? Can we be friends? Can I just pretend that we are friends? I think it was Free that said I had to "fake it until I make it". How long can I do that without falling apart? I know the healing process takes time, but what about now?

I have been trying to hate XOM but all the good things that he has done for me over the years keep coming back. I have been trying to concentrate on all the negative things about our relationship and all the good things about my husband. I have wrote e-mails that I didn't send and I have make a list of XOM's faults. Have you ever tried to tell your mind how to think and what to think about? I feel like a spoiled little child who wants her cake and eat it too. I want my friend back but I don't want to give up on the life I have now. It's like I want to be happy but don't know how to get there. Thanks for listening, just need some imput.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 7:43pm

DP

I am a bit rushed right now so this will be a bit brief.

Stop trying to hate XOM, STOP trying to find his imperfections...your causing yourself to focus on the wrong man by doing this in my opinion.

Friends, I have never seen it work yet, even if you could would it be friends or an EA that may take trip into the bed room from time to time ???

It is wrong to have that close a relationship with any man other then the one your married to, doing so drains the emotional energy out of the marriage often causing it to faulter and die.

Maybe you need to talk to your husband and tell him you think your close friendship with XOM is taking away from the closeness that should be in your marriage and that it would be a good idea to distance yourselves from this group and do more thing with just the two of you.

As long as your spending time together it will be very hard and painful to emotionally disconnect back to a healthy level with XOM.

Not so brief after all eh !!

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2005
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 10:02pm
Depressed,
I know exactly how you feel. I too was trying to be friends with xBF, but found out that I was lying to myself hoping that in some small way he would want more from me. I have to admit that the last 5 months of our "Friendship" was totally on the phone...I did not see him, but the feeling were still there and I thought I could throw away my marriage to live the fairytale life...WRONG!!! I even went as far as looking for someone to replace him...I have figured out that the man that needs to replace him is right here in my own home...If only I had realized that a year ago....Hind site is 20/20~
>>>>Have you ever tried to tell your mind how to think and what to think about? I feel like a spoiled little child who wants her cake and eat it too. I want my friend back but I don't want to give up on the life I have now. It's like I want to be happy but don't know how to get there. <<<<<
That statement is so true of how I am feeling. I have a wonderful husband...good provider, great Dad, but not such a good husband. I am not blaming him for the path I chose, but I am certainly not taking the full blame on myself. I do believe that I would not have strayed if I was getting what I needed at home. JMHO!!! Every situation is different.
I am trying very hard to move on...some hours are better than others...I'm diving into my work like a crazy woman and finding if I keep my mind busy it's all easier.
I have a good life...I have a good life...I have a good life...I have a good life!! Why is it that some of us need a kick upside the head to realize that???
Hang in there and take one hour at a time!

Chris    <?xml:na

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 10:54pm

Hi DP,

I have to agree with Free about talking to your H about making some distance between you and the XOM. It is impossible I think to go back to being jsut friends as you are trying to do and having to be around one another socially as it seems you are a great deal. I don't know your whole story, but I have done and felt most of the things you described including making a list of my XMM's faults and a list of my H's good points. I even went to my XMM's wedding because we worked together and everyone knew we were very close friends and to have not gone would have looked very strange. That was a terrible experience, I will tell you. I am in your same age group, will be 50 this summer. I had worked with and been very close friends with my XMM for 18 years, the last three years actually being involved physically.

I chose to end the A last August for lots of reasons and I hoped we could remain friends. We had always agreed that we would put our friendship above our A if it came to that, but when I ended the A, XMM was very resentful. I still wanted to hold on to the "friendship", but it has not been possible. He no longer works in my office and now our lives are going in different directions. Just this week, he called and out of his own selfishness, he managed to verbally hurt me again and it was the closing chapter of what I had thought was a friendship. I don't hate him, but I am disgusted with him and disappointed and sad, but I will not let it interfeer in my marriage.

Try to talk to your H as much as possible about what you need in your marriage. Hopefully, he will listen. I am afraid that it is just going to make you miserable to continue to see the XOM socially as you do. I know I could not do it.

Let me know a bit more about your self and your situation if you want. I would like to help if I can. How long have you been married? What is your H like? What happened to start and to end the A with the XOM.

Good luck to you. We are all here to help one another. I will tell you that Free's advice to me over the past year has been extremely valuable, but just knowing that you are not alone in these emotions helps.
Hang in there.

IP

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 11:05pm

depressed,

it is not hopeless for u !!!

but u need to let go, your husband is there, if u cant be with H anymore and not happy then leave, find yourself, find out what is the matter but u know in your heart that MM is not the answer

u can never be friends with him

there is hope in the word "hopeless" so pls dont lose hope in your life

max