Hoping someone can help me

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2004
Hoping someone can help me
6
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 5:42pm
Hi,

I just found this board today, and I'm hoping someone can help me. I've been with my husband for 14 years, married for 9. We have one daughter who's 3 1/2. I've never thought of us as an unhappy couple. He's actually a very attentive husband and a great father. But, I've never really felt all that passionate about him.

Then, in December, I started having an affair with a coworker who actually lives on the opposite coast. It all started at a meeting. We spent the whole three days together, and I felt like I fell instantly in love with him. There was a passion and spark like I've never felt for anyone before. We connected in so many ways. Since then, we've talked for hours each day and sent e-mails, and I've gone out to see him several times. Each time I just fell more in love with him. At least that's what it feels like.

Now, my husband has found out, and asked me for a decision. Part of me wants to run away with this other person. The other part knows that 80% of people who divorce during an affair regret it, and only 25% of marriages that come out affairs survive. Plus, I've only been with him two months. Could my feelings for him be as real as the feel to me?

So, I've decided to try to make it work with my husband and give up my affair. The problem is, it's only been a day, and I am so depressed without him. I can't concentrate, and I'm close to tears all the time. I can't imagine never seeing him again. How do I keep myself from calling or e-mailing him?

Thanks for your help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 9:57pm
sa~

First of all...welcome aboard. Second, you're not depressed...you're in withdrawal---trust me, its worse then heroin. The worst part isn't thinking you're going to die...the worst part is realizing YOU WON'T...LOL...but trust me..you'll make it...look at the rest of us here....all of us in different stages.

Are you in love with him? Doubtfully so, BUT who am I to say? Only 4% of those who leave their marriage for a lover have a successful marriage. 4%....thats worse then the 50% to 1st time marriages. Most likely you're in LUST with him. You've been with your h for 14 years...that's a while and prime time for absolute boredom.

Yeah, yeah...I know ALL about the "instantly falling in love" business and the whole "connection" thing too...to be honest, I really don't know if those things really exist or we WANT them to exist, so they do.

You have a 3.5 year old dd....do EVERYTHING you can to figure this out. Try marital counseling, individual counseling, Retrouvaille...ANYTHING to give it EVERY possible effort. And, in my opinion, NEVER leave one relationship for another....that is certain death. If you want to leave....leave because of YOU, not because of someone else, THEN take about 6 months to 1 year off to get your head on straight.....but that's my opinion.

Your husband and your dd deserve you to give them every effort. Go into NC and figure this out.....

you'll be sad, mad, up,down and all around....post here...we get it

big, big hugs!

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 8:22am
SA..

I have been where you are, been married almost 15 years, 3 kids, and fell for a coworker...and contemplated ..where?? who?? what was going to become of my life?..Well its been 1 1/2 years since my H found out and I was posed with the question to decide...I chose to stick it out and see if we could rebuild our marriage and if in fact we could ..terrific..but if not than life would take another direction. But I agree with the darmas reply..dont leave one relationship for another, thats not what you should base any life deciosion on..WHO you will be with..you need to look deep to see where your happiness will be. YOu have already put so much into your marriage..you cant turn away from it without giving it all you have to see if it can be saved..sorry speaking for myself here....Time is a huge factor, you need to backaway slow down and let the whirlwind of emotions die down before you can really make any kind of decisions...Its a hard place your in right now...but you will look back on it as a turning point in your life...and if you can save your marriage it can be a new start where things can be better than ever....just my 2 cents...my thoughts are with you..chin up Jb

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 8:43am
I have been where you are and I know that it sucks. You want to do the right thing, you know that you are doing the right thing, but you miss XOM anyway. The only way I can describe it is withdrawal from a drug or other addiction. there is no way to ease the pain, you just have to give it time and work through it. Therapy helped me, also looking at the lives of others that are divorced helped also. I knew that it wasn't something that I wanted to do to my two small children. Wanting the marriage and the passionate affair is being a cake eater. You may want to get some therapy to help you look at your life and see what drove you to stray. I am so sorry, I wish there was something more comforting that I could say to you. Things do get better with time, i can gaurantee you that.

May I ask you where you got those statistics from?

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2004
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 11:04am
Thanks so much for the kind words and support. Were you ever able to get over your XOM and repair your marriage? The problem is, my H and I are not trying to rebuild that kind of passion and chemisty; we never really had it.

Every day has only gotten harder, and I find myself deeply depressed with nothing to look forward to. My H and I are both in individual counseling as well as couples counseling. We married so young, I'm afraid my needs have changed too drastically for us to repair our relationship. But, I know I can't just walk away. I have to try.

I've been doing a lot of reading and research. The stats I mentioned came from several sources including the book Sexual Detours, and the web site marriagebuilders.com. That web site has been particularly helpful, although painful to read.

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 1:34pm
No, unfortunately my husband refuses to go to counseling and so I have given up on having a sexual relationship with him at all. It just isn't in the cards for me, and although some people cannot live that way I find that I can manage for now since everything else seems to be okay. I do not see myself married to my H forever, but for right now that is the decision I have made for my family. It is the ultimate sacrifice. My children are happy and wll adjusted and that is my only concern. It is hard to be selfless, not many women can do it. But just because that is my situation, doesn't mean that things cannot become better for you! Hang in there.

Yes, I guess I did manage to get over XOM, although at times I miss certain things. What made it easier was the horrible way he treated me in the end.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2004
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 1:59pm
I'm sorry things have not worked out better for you. You're right, it's hard to be selfless.

Sometimes I wish my OM did not treat me so well, so this would be easier. But, he's fantastic and wants to marry me if I ever get divorced. It's so hard to give up that immediate happiness for only a chance that things will get better with H.