Horrible day....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2010
Horrible day....
2
Sun, 01-24-2010 - 8:55pm
I wasn't going to do this but I'm hoping that it helps with how I'm feeling right now. I'm having such a crappy day and I so hate feeling like this, my heart is breaking and my stomach just hurts hurts and hurts more.
7 days NC today, and my husband and I are struggling along. We had a really difficult day yesterday, each conversation we had seemed to result in so much tension and anxiety. He is hurting so much and it's taking all my strength to just 'survive' myself, let alone give him what he needs. He doesn't deserve any of this but he loves me so much and is seeing this through (well at the moment anyway, but I have faith that we WILL get through this).
I woke up yesterday morning feeling more optimistic and happier than I had for quite a few days, but the day got worse and worse as it went on until I just couldn't think straight. Today I have woken up feeling that huge ball of something horrible in my stomach again, and are on the verge of tears every minute. I had to drive around our town today with my gorgeous teenage children, my xAP is back at work today after a long Christmas break and I had to drive past his work (my old workplace too). That horrible feeling of hoping I'd see him (would that be considered as needing a 'fix'??) but so so hoping that I wouldn't cos I just don't know how I'd feel or cope. I so hate that, as I go back to work in a month and the chances will increase that I could bump into him.
I wish I could feel more love for my beautiful husband right now, he needs so much reassurance...I know I need to give him my all and look after him. He is so incredibly hurt but it's so incredibly hard to do that at the moment :(
Why is it that when I think rationally and logically about xAP I can think about the hurtful ways he treated me at times (and I'm STILL rationalising that to myself by saying it was sometimes MY fault cos of the way I behaved/expected too much etc etc) but at the same time I feel so so sad that I will never have anything to do with him again??? And that I miss him??
I'm sorry for dumping this out there....thanks for listening and I'm guessing alot of you have BTDT and have felt what I'm talking about.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sun, 01-24-2010 - 10:08pm

Hey, bestrong :)


Don't apologize for dumping here...this is where you SHOULD be dumping.


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Sun, 01-24-2010 - 10:17pm

Bestrong~

First of all, I am sorry you had a bad day. There are going to be many of them, I'm afraid, at least for the first few months. That knot in your stomach is telling you that you are grieving, as well as fighting with yourself over all that has come to pass. You are suffering from deep emotional conflict and we can manifest physical symptoms because of it.

<<(and I'm STILL rationalizing that to myself by saying it was sometimes MY fault cos of the way I behaved/expected too much etc etc)>>

There was a great thread on here re. expectations just a little while ago. Here is the link:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlending&msg=27677.1&ctx=128

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This is perfectly normal and all part of the grieving process.

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Anyone who has ended an A knows exactly what you are talking about. All I can say, honey, is be patient, continue with your therapy, vent whenever you feel the need as you did tonight, and let time do it's thing.

((Hugs))

~ Iddy~

   ~Iddy~