A horrible mess....
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| Thu, 08-05-2004 - 10:36am |
Recap.... two and half years ago, a close friendship with a colleage got serious. We both travel a lot (performing arts). His main complaint with his wife, she didn't want to have any more kids, didn't have the same joy for life he did. I have had several miscarriages since my 6 1/2 half year old son was born. A woman not accepting such a blessing is for me blasphemy. My marriage was on the rocks, H was complaining constantly about my working and leaving him with our son, yet also happy to buy a house with my salary. Proud and happy in public, mean and resentful in private. MM and I both fell in love, were shocked how perfect it seemed. A few days later, his wife announces very angrily that she is pregnant. He is shocked, but happy. Turns out to be twins... she wishes MM dead, and doesn't speak with him for weeks. He is devastated that his wife would act this way. In the meantime, my husband has hit an all time coldness low..... MM and I end up getting really serious. I can't stand being married to H, ask for divorce. We separate legally... are still separated. The twins are born, MM and I are no longer in physical contact, but I am his sounding board for all. He calls me from hospital parking lot 6 hours after birth. Loves his kids, cares about his wife, but she is still bitter and angry... shows no tenderness towards kids. Things go on like this for a year... they are in therapy trying... I say i can't do it anymore. The N/C cycle begins. I begin trying in earnest with my H, therapy talking, accepting who he is, understanding what he is about what he really wants out of marriage. We talk a lot about the A and its distructive nature. Things are better, but there is no big bang.... no love from my side. Going through the motions. We agree to try and have a baby again. Manage to get pregnant. I tell MM, he gets angry... yet happy for me. Tells me he has been lying about his marriage... things are worse than ever. We haven't seen each other for 9 months. N/C on and off. We meet for a short time, I have no intention of things flairing up again.... they do, of course. Nine months seem like ten minutes. We are still perfect for each other. Two days later I leave, he has a heated conversation with his wife over the phone (not about me), she asks for a divorce... and means it big time. Custody threats. She knows about our relationship, but told him she basically couldn't care less. She is tired of him pushing her to follow his lead. MM is very catholic, can't imagine life without kids, without even a bad marriage. He has always tried to control his emotions, I have always been more inclined to give into them. We were just together for work for 5 weeks, his wife not there, my husband only visiting twice with DS. His kids were there for three weeks, we spent lots of time together. His family loves me, even though they know something is going on, but are also tired of his wife's behaviour. Our kids play together. People are talking about us. I can barely be in the same room with my H. MM is going home in a week, after 4 months away from home, to finally confront his wife. He really wants things to work for the kids, even if just a show marriage. I return home. In parting I ask him to not waste his life. He is an amazing vibrant, successful man, with a wife who just can't stand it anymore. I am very much like him, yet my H, in finding himself, seems to be heading more towards a stay home guy, and wants nothing more than for me to be the same. My therapists says I've been playing happy, and deep inside it is over. I also ask MM that if things don't work out, his wife doesn't want a reconcilation, to please let me make the decision regarding my marriage, and to give us a chance. Not today... not tomorrow, but some day, when the baby has been born, when things are settled a bit.... God I don't know. How can I do this to my family.... I thought I had all my duckies in a row..... really believed DH and I had found a peaceful place, really believed the baby was the right thing to do..... all it took was MM getting a divorce, and my life is chaos again. But is this the price on the road to true happiness???? And the kicker is... he could actually go home, and find his wife willing to work on the marriage, and the rollercoaster will all start up again.
A fine mess, eh?
Any words of wisdom welcome... .just please don't judge me too harshly for carrying on in such a way while pregnant. I am so happy about this baby, our dream come true. A sibling for our son. I feel so horribly selfish, but am so confused.
Lala

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Edited 8/15/2004 8:02 am ET ET by begin_again
You took the words right out of my mouth. Very good response!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All of the adults in this post need to get their head in order for the little ones.They should only matter. Life isn't all about sex & he said she said crap. I hate affairs, people who have them are ao damn selfish. Sometimes I wonder why I even read these postings.
lori
" This board is a support community for members who have made a conscious decision to end their extramarital affair. If you are not among them, and disagree with the language or content of this message board, please visit the Debate board."
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So why do read here? If it just upsets you, spare yourself the anguish. I have great interest in the subject, being an ex participant myself. ONLY, my children were all out of the house when I got involved with XMM. ALSO, I am single. STILL, I have great regret for what I did and now I want to help others, even if I am a little harsh sometimes.
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Lala
Sometimes it takes losing just about everything dear to your heart before you wake up. You should also think about working on your marraige, with another baby coming. The first poster to your thread just said it like it is. I haven't seen anyone else step up.
True
"A horrible mess," indeed.
If we leave out the matter of children here, and I am a mother so I have a fairly good idea of what a responsibility raising children is, it seems to me that you really haven't worked out whatever it is you actually want out of all this.
You say your therapist tells you that you are "playing happy" presumably in your marriage but that deep inside it is over. From experience, I know that you can only "play happy" when you have strong feelings for someone other than your DH.
For whatever reason, things never seem to quite work out with OM, do they?
Would it be worthwhile to take a time out from both these men in order to figure out whatever it is that Lala wants from life? This isn't time to be spent deciding upon which man to bestow your favours, it's time to work out fundamentally what does Lala want out of life. What is it you want, honey?
What void is there in you that you perceive OM manages to fill for you? In what way do you feel he "completes" you? How do you manage to sustain hope in something which you two never seem to want at the same times?
I can only tell you that whatever it is, only you can fill it or complete it and it truly doesn't matter a flying flatus which man you're with or with no one at all. I could tell you the reasons I felt inexplicably drawn to & captivated by my exMICR, but those only pertain to me and my life experiences. Unfortunately, only you have the answers.
You seem very lost and pregnancy hormones tend to throw reason & logic right out the window at times so that can't be helping with anything like clarity at the moment.
Really, Lala, the only advice I can really give you is don't waste your life on what-if's and if-only's.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
Lala, when I first saw the name I was pretty sure it was familiar. It sounds like you've gotten yourself in another fine mess. It's time for you to do what you need to do for you. Forget about what your husband wants. Forget about what your MM wants. Do what is right for you and your children. Put the needs of
Thanks for not jumping all over me. I hadn't intended to write again, but that would be cowardly.
Personally I am shocked how everything changed when I finally heard the words, "She asked for a divorce". I do believe in N/C, which is why I always initiated it. Every single time. We have not been good at keeping it up, but that isn't so unusual, from what I have read on this board. My therapist is not so sure about N/C, says it glorifies the relationship. If both are struggling to maintain it, it is destined to fail. From at least one side the relationship really needs to be over for it to really stick. XMM and I have never been able to let go completely.
I have worked very hard on my marriage, have read the books, talked to DH, understood it is a fantasy, done so much therapy, we did two years of couples therapy before I even asked for the divorce. What I want for the kids is for my marriage to work, as does XMM, but the fact is, we are both drowning in loneliness within our marriages. Why have a baby under such circumstances? Hope springs eternal. The one thing DH and I agreed on was this baby, for ourselves, for each other, for our son. I am forty, have had four miscarriages since our son was born. It was a case of now or never. We are great parents, all four of us. Adore our kids.... that is where the pain comes in.
Of course, XMM and I are now NC again... four days and counting. I need desperately to concentrate on my pregnancy and the needs of my family, although I have agreed to one phone call in two weeks so that he can tell me what happened when he spoke to his wife face to face. I stuck with him when his wife was having the twins, at his request, even though it was extremely difficult. I see that was now a mistake, my insticts told me so at the time, and so have told him I will not expect the same from him. Neither of us, though, is responsible for the state of each others marrages. We have both been married more than 10 years, the problems were deeply ingrained long before either of us came around. But the fact is we are also certainly not helping one another.
What is best for me and my kids..... a peaceful, loving home atmosphere. I do feel better everyday I am not in contact with XMM, but there is still the voice in my head that is afraid to loose him completely. Time will be my ally here. DH, DS and I are on family holiday for the next two weeks. A very important time for all of us.
Best to you all in your efforts to find own peace as well.
Lala
I will take all you have written to heart. I so love my son, and this baby within me. Have cried buckets recently that I can't seem to get my thoughts or emotions in line, be the rock they deserve. Maybe it is hormones, or fear of really letting go of XMM, or deepening the committment to DH. Those tempting "this man is the answer to all" voices persist, and he feeds them one moment, pulls back full of his own fears the next. The only answer is N/C again, concentrating on reality, making the best of my life here in Italy, finding ways to fill the void you spoke of. Respecting my responsibilities. Appreciating the blessings in my life which are many.
Thank you for your wishes of peace and strength.
Lala
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