A horrible mess....

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2003
A horrible mess....
16
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 10:36am
Hi.... I haven't posted in some time, have been reading, skulking, but now I have to let this out. Last time I wrote I was encouraging all of you trying to put your marriages back together, as I was/am??? Praising N/C. Now it is all a mess again.

Recap.... two and half years ago, a close friendship with a colleage got serious. We both travel a lot (performing arts). His main complaint with his wife, she didn't want to have any more kids, didn't have the same joy for life he did. I have had several miscarriages since my 6 1/2 half year old son was born. A woman not accepting such a blessing is for me blasphemy. My marriage was on the rocks, H was complaining constantly about my working and leaving him with our son, yet also happy to buy a house with my salary. Proud and happy in public, mean and resentful in private. MM and I both fell in love, were shocked how perfect it seemed. A few days later, his wife announces very angrily that she is pregnant. He is shocked, but happy. Turns out to be twins... she wishes MM dead, and doesn't speak with him for weeks. He is devastated that his wife would act this way. In the meantime, my husband has hit an all time coldness low..... MM and I end up getting really serious. I can't stand being married to H, ask for divorce. We separate legally... are still separated. The twins are born, MM and I are no longer in physical contact, but I am his sounding board for all. He calls me from hospital parking lot 6 hours after birth. Loves his kids, cares about his wife, but she is still bitter and angry... shows no tenderness towards kids. Things go on like this for a year... they are in therapy trying... I say i can't do it anymore. The N/C cycle begins. I begin trying in earnest with my H, therapy talking, accepting who he is, understanding what he is about what he really wants out of marriage. We talk a lot about the A and its distructive nature. Things are better, but there is no big bang.... no love from my side. Going through the motions. We agree to try and have a baby again. Manage to get pregnant. I tell MM, he gets angry... yet happy for me. Tells me he has been lying about his marriage... things are worse than ever. We haven't seen each other for 9 months. N/C on and off. We meet for a short time, I have no intention of things flairing up again.... they do, of course. Nine months seem like ten minutes. We are still perfect for each other. Two days later I leave, he has a heated conversation with his wife over the phone (not about me), she asks for a divorce... and means it big time. Custody threats. She knows about our relationship, but told him she basically couldn't care less. She is tired of him pushing her to follow his lead. MM is very catholic, can't imagine life without kids, without even a bad marriage. He has always tried to control his emotions, I have always been more inclined to give into them. We were just together for work for 5 weeks, his wife not there, my husband only visiting twice with DS. His kids were there for three weeks, we spent lots of time together. His family loves me, even though they know something is going on, but are also tired of his wife's behaviour. Our kids play together. People are talking about us. I can barely be in the same room with my H. MM is going home in a week, after 4 months away from home, to finally confront his wife. He really wants things to work for the kids, even if just a show marriage. I return home. In parting I ask him to not waste his life. He is an amazing vibrant, successful man, with a wife who just can't stand it anymore. I am very much like him, yet my H, in finding himself, seems to be heading more towards a stay home guy, and wants nothing more than for me to be the same. My therapists says I've been playing happy, and deep inside it is over. I also ask MM that if things don't work out, his wife doesn't want a reconcilation, to please let me make the decision regarding my marriage, and to give us a chance. Not today... not tomorrow, but some day, when the baby has been born, when things are settled a bit.... God I don't know. How can I do this to my family.... I thought I had all my duckies in a row..... really believed DH and I had found a peaceful place, really believed the baby was the right thing to do..... all it took was MM getting a divorce, and my life is chaos again. But is this the price on the road to true happiness???? And the kicker is... he could actually go home, and find his wife willing to work on the marriage, and the rollercoaster will all start up again.

A fine mess, eh?

Any words of wisdom welcome... .just please don't judge me too harshly for carrying on in such a way while pregnant. I am so happy about this baby, our dream come true. A sibling for our son. I feel so horribly selfish, but am so confused.

Lala

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 8:12am
Lala, glad to hear you're not a coward. As for this board (or any other supportive forum) take what works for you and leave the rest behind.

Your situation truly is a tough one but regardless of what your future actions will be, you will learn from it and you will grow....we all do.

My only 2¢ of advice is that you DO what is right for YOU! Regardless of what MM does or does not do and most importantly, regardless of the ages of your children, MM's children or your neighbor's children (LOL) please, PLEASE do NOT stay in a miserable marriage JUST FOR THE CHILDREN! They deserve parents that love each other not parents that are together just because they brought them into this world!

Staying in a marriage just for the sake of children IMO, is doing the children total injustice. They deserve much better!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 9:26pm

Lala, I agree with you. A peaceful, loving home atmosphere is what is best for you and the children. Can you get that with DH? I'm not real sure about that.


As for that little voice in your head, I still get that on occasion re GB. It's been almost 2.5 years since I was through with him and there are still occasions that I think of him. I am at a point where I can talk to him and even see him without pain or problem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 12:31am

Ditto.......


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2003
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 5:30am
Dear cl-nre

Hope you had a good holiday. I'm on vacation right now with H and his family in the country. It is nice because our son is so happy we are all together, but I'm struggling. Italian family clan mentality..... I see the positive in it for my son, and love my mother in law, but it is so stiffling. In addition to our marital issues, particularly career related, H and I have big cultural differences. He is traditional Italian... I am very independant American (a common combination, that very often fails in the end). In addition I have lived a great deal of my life in Germany, feel at home there, lots of good friends, but no blood relations.

Regarding the current situation, this holiday has been good for the baby, for sure. I am growing and growing. The baby has been very active. I love being pregnant, 20 weeks now, talk to it, and just feel so at one with nature and God. But the future is so unclear.... and I am trying to live with that. My therapist told me to take a vacation from thinking about the future as well, just observe, but is that possible especially when pregnant? I spoke with both H and my mother in law about how despite the pregnancy, I still wasn't sure if I could make it living here in Italy. They, and all who know me well, still think I made the right decision with the pregnancy. It seems having gotten past the miscarriage issue, rather than finding new loving feelings for H, my fears of spending the rest of my life here with him resurfaced. We discussed the possiblility of me moving to Germany with the kids, but it would entail many major changes. H can't move because of his job. Can I uproot my son? Do I have that right when I travel so much? Divorcing and staying in Italy is pointless. At least we both agree our children would get a better education there, have a more diversified cultural experience.

Regarding MM, I am preparing myself for the announcement on the 22nd that he has convinced his wife to work on the marriage. As soon as I here those words, it is over.... true NC, and I will need all the support this group can give me. I am trying not think about what is going on there, trying not to fantasize about a life with him, but the images won't stop coming. What I am trying to do is think about what it is about him that makes me feel good, and try and find the strength and courage to do that for myself. It works sometimes, but I still can't help thinking, is this just love.... love under really really difficult circumstances? Is there a "better" way to do it? God, what if he does come back and say his marriage is finished.... ah.... that's a long road to travel. At least my therapist, having heard about this for sometime, assured me I am in no way resposible for his situation.... any guilt feelings are just flattery. He wants us both.... But I can't do it.... won't do it anymore!!!

There it is... all the confusion. I'm not supposed to be going there in my head. I know you all see more in what I have written than I allow myself to see. I'm returning to my holiday now... searching for peace and the strength to let go of all and let life, God, fate show me the way. I agree that I must figure out what is right for me, putting both of these men out of my head, but under the current circumstances, I just don't know how.

I'll write again after the 22nd.

Thanks for your support

Lala

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2003
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 9:59am
Oh, my Gosh! I can't believe how having written all that has put me in such a depression! This is rediculous. So much self pity and helplessness. That is NOT ME! I am a successful, self made, self motivated working Mom. I can take control of this situation anytime I want, have all the same rights to happiness and peace as everyone else. I have tried doing it their way for long enough, bending to their wills. The battle ground is in my head, and I have within me the power to decide the outcome. On the 22nd I will get an important piece of information, to which I will act accordingly. Until then I will live everyday to the fullest, enjoying my wonderful son, and this blessing under my heart. I must let go of wanting to have things a certain way. It doesn't work anyways.

One more week of vacation. Each day precious. Each moment of this pregnancy a joy.

Off I go..... the sun is shining.

Lala

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 1:44am
Lala, why are you waiting until trhe 22nd to make the decision? Why are you basing the rest of your life on what MM is doing with his? You seem to be contradicting yourself when you say you ended or are ending it and when you say you're waiting for specific information with which you will decide to act accordingly. Is this saying that if MM does leave and divorce his wife, you will leave and divorce your husband for him? Doesn't seem to gibe with your earlier posts, darlin'. You gotta figure out what you want to do w/o considering what MM is doing.

~Chris~<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />


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