How are all my fellow D-Day peeps? Can you give us an update?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2009
How are all my fellow D-Day peeps? Can you give us an update?
11
Fri, 02-11-2011 - 1:57pm

I was thinking about all of you while on vacation.

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Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Just wanted to poke my nose in and say that there IS hope.

I am three and a half years out from d-day, and I won't lie, the first months and really the first year was a series of ups and downs and totally overwhelming and exhausting. But, we struggled through it, and things did get better, and while my affair will always be a part of our "story" - it isn't the *defining* part.

I also found that as I got a little farther out, my perspective shifted as well. I found that when I changed how I thought about some things, it made them easier for me to deal with.

The "living under a microscope" one was a big one. I got mad at some point, felt as though I had NO privacy, etc. etc. and really got to the point where it bothered me immensely to feel as though my DH was constantly "checking up" on me, or monitoring me online. But, I finally realized that those things were things that he felt he needed to do to reassure himself - and I also realized that it didn't really matter anyway. I didn't have anything to hide, so rather than get upset when he looked - I shifted *my* attitude about it, and invited him to look for as long as he needed to.

Every time there was nothing to find - he felt better, and eventually, he didn't feel the need to look anymore.

My DH had printed off some posts that I had written. He kept those for a time, and then let them go when he was ready.

We were rebuilding together, but there were parts of the journey that were his own to walk. He was responsible for his own healing, ultimately. I could help, and I could support him - but I couldn't fix everything, or heal his pain. He had to be willing and ready to come to terms with that on his own.

And, after some point, we made the choice that my affair wasn't going to be the scapegoat any longer. I have bad days, and get quiet, and am sometimes pissy - and after a point, none of that had anything to do with the affair, and trying to make it be about that was doing both of us a disservice.

Things can and should settle down at some point after d-day - no one can sustain that kind of emotional roller coaster for very long, it's just too exhausting. And once the initial, super-explosive emotions start to settle down (on both sides) - then the real work of rebuilding can begin.

Or not. Some people can't do it, can't get over it, the emotions don't settle, calmness never sets in. And if that's the case (and I hate it when it is) - then you'll know that as well once your own emotions settle down a bit, and can decide what to do from there.

Hugs to all. It really does suck in the immediate aftermath of a d-day - but it does get better, so please don't lose hope.

Oh, and as far as death being the only escape from the nightmare - I felt that way too, and came closer to that edge than I like to remember. It isn't an escape though - not really. It doesn't fix anything, doesn't solve anything, won't help anything. What you leave behind is simply a bigger mess, but you're not there to help clean it up. Take away tomorrow, and what do you have?

As bad as things get after a d-day - tomorrow is another day, full of the possibility of it being a BETTER day - of containing BETTER moments than today has. As long as there is a tomorrow - there is always, ALWAYS hope.

Hugs,

Kim

    

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