How Best To End An Affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
How Best To End An Affair
8
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 4:00pm
Good Afternoon,

I am a MW having having an affair w/a MM for the past 6 months. I am going to end it next week. However, he doesn't have a clue that the end is near.

He is demanding and controling and my once prince charming has turned into a frog.

The thing is, I am afraid to say to him, "It's over, I just don't want to see you anymore." I know that he will get defensive and I'm nervous about how he will react.

I was thinking of telling him by husband suspects and is having me followed, I want to scare him off. I want him to think it was his idea to end the affair.

Any suggestions as to how I can scare this guy off quick and make him think it was his idea all along?

Thanks, HFL

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 5:45pm
The only way to end it is. . .to end it. No games playing. No alibis. No attempts at manipulation. You say it's over, you keep it brief, and you just go. And then NC.

Otherwise you leave him openings to work on you with.

Of course this advice is predicated on the assumption that you REALLY want to end it. You need to be sure in your heart. If you really are sure, then cutting it off quick and clean is something you can make work.

Good luck.

.02 from one who's been both a dumpee and a dumper. . . .

Z.V.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 9:00am
Hi Z,

Thanks for the advice and I agree with you, the best way to end it is to end it & NC.

However, this guy has a very large ego and he needs to feel as if he is dumping me or else he will not let go.

I don't want to create that sexual tension and longing that goes along with a breakup. I need him to be done with me.

HFL

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 12:38pm

No, HFL, I'm not laughing at you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 2:15pm
Hi Chris,

So how did you get him to dump you?

I have to do something quick, he is expecting to see me next week because my H will be away and he knows it.

Should I end it over the phone or in person. I don't want to meet face to face, I'm afraid of what will happen.

HFL

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2003
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 10:47pm
hungry, since affairs are all about lies, I don't see how one more can make a difference. i know others will wale on me for this, but i am a big advocate of letting the guy think it was his idea (if it works on husbands to get them to do what you want, why not EM-boyfriends?) by all means, say you think your H suspects or something along those lines, then in your best scared-little-girl voice ask, "What do you think we should do?" If he doesn't get the hint, you can add doubtfully, with just a tinge of regret, "Do you think we should cool it for awhile?" When he finally gets around to deciding that's the best course of action, cinch the deal with, "Okay, if that's what YOU think is best."

Good luck!

By the way, I am over 4 months NC--it works and it does get easier!!! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 12:15am
Hi HFL....I agree that in the majority of affairs, the best way to end it is to be honest and upfront but after reading your posts, I don't think your situations fits into the majority of affairs because it sounds to me as if you're truly scared of what this man will do or say....he may even threaten to tell your H just to get you to stay.

Because your situation seems much different from the majority, I agree with nutellagrrl's advice and your original plan. As for an excuse not to see him next week while H's out of town maybe you can add that you're certain H is having you followed because the other day when you went to meet a friend at the mall or for coffee, there was a woman/man that you're positive was following YOU!

I also wouldn't wait till next week to tell him, I would send him a very panicking email or voice message immediately!

Good Luck to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 9:27am
Hi C4M,

Thanks for the understanding.

I have to tread very lightly with this guy. He is an tough character and is used to getting what he wants. He will not let go if I dump him. It will be too much for his fragile ego take. It's ironic how the qualities that attracted me to him in the first place are now my greatest fears.

He lives out of state and comes down to work a couple of days a week. I'm going to give him a call on Tues & tell him my husband suspects. I want to avoid the call as long as possible. I know he will try and talk me into meeting with him and I need to be strong.

It's not that I want him sexually anymore, it's just that I don't want to hurt him and for some reason I have a soft spot in my heart for him and he knows it.

HFL

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 12:13pm
"for some reason I have a soft spot in my heart for him and he knows it"

You sound just like my xMM several years ago! His way of *letting me down easy* was to back off slowly (as is the case with many MM) but since we're all different, he eventually learned that what would have worked best with ME and what would have saved me from many years of anguish, wishing/hoping and heartache would have been his direct honesty. But then, I don't have the control and hostility issues your MM seems to have.

All relationships (including affairs) are somewhat different and only you know what will work for you and what you will feel comfortable doing/saying. Above all, you need to be honest with yourself and once you resolve to end the A, the hard work of figuring out and coming to terms as to WHY you allowed yourself to get into the A in the first place STARTS.

Good Luck!

C4M