HOW CAN I GET THRU THIS
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HOW CAN I GET THRU THIS
| Thu, 08-19-2004 - 1:33pm |
HI GUYS LET ME GIVE YOU A QUICK RUNDOWN OF MY SITUATION..ABOUT TWO YEARS AGO I BECAME INVOLVED WITH A MUCH YOUNGER WOMAN SHE WAS 21 I WAS HAVING PROBLEMS WITH MY MARRIAGE OF 18 YEARS..SO WE LASTED ABOUT SIX MONTHS AND MY WIFE DID FIND OUT ABOUT IT BUT WE STAYED TOGETHER AND WERE MUCH MORE CAREFUL...AFTER SIX MONTHS SHE LEFT ME FOR AN OLD BOYFRIEND HE MOVED IN WITH HER I WAS DEVISTATED...AFTER A MONTH THEY WERE DONE AND SHE CAME FLYING BACK AT FIRST I WAS HESITANT AND DIDNT BUT AFTER A COUPLE OF WEEKS OF PLEADING I DID...AFTER THAT WE WERE TOGETHER FOR CLOSE TO A YEAR AND MANAGED TO GET CAUGHT AGAIN..I WAS READY TO LEAVE MY WIFE BUT WE HAVE CHILDERN TOGETHER AND THE GIRL I WAS WITH HAD BEEN WITH A NUMBER OF PARTNERS BEFORE ME AND THAT REALLY BOTHERED ME ALONG WITH A COUPLE OF OTHER THINGS..BUT ANYWAY WE WENT ON TOGETHER SNEAKING AROUND BREAKING UP ALL THE TIME BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO BE TREATED EQUAL..SHE BECAME VERY MATTERIALISTIC AND IN JANUARY WE WERE THRU AGAIN..THIS TIME SE MOVED A CO-WORKER IN WITH IN HER WORDS TO BE JUST THAT A ROOMMATE I ASKED WHY IT COULDNT BE A GIRL AND THE ANSWER WAS LIKE ALWAYS SHE CANT GET ALONG WITH GIRLS.. BUT AFTER THREE WEEKS THEY WERE AN ITEM.. SO THREE MONTHS LATER SHE WAS BEGGING BACK AGAIN...WE HAVE NEVER NOT TALKED WHEN WE WERE BROKE UP...ABND I SHOULD SAY THE REASON FOR LEAVING WAS SHE WANTED TO SETTLE DOWN HAVE A HUBBY AND KIDS BUT SHE TOOK THE FIRST WHOEVER DOWN THE PIPE AND NONE OF THAT HAPPENED SO ANYWAY WE GOT BACK TOGETHER AND SHE SAID SHE WANTED ME HOWEVER SHE COULD HAVE ME WE WERE EVEN LOOKING FOR A HOUSE SOMEWERE WE WOULDNT BE CAUGHT I BOUGHT HER A NEW CAR AND SHE SAID SHE WANTED TO HAVE A CHILD WITH ME AND I SAID I WASNT SURE...WE GOT ALONG GREAT FOR THREE MONTHS WENT ON TRIPS EVERYTHING WAS GREAT SHE WAS ALWAYS TELLING ME HOW MUCH SHE LOVED ME AND COULDNT LIVE WITH OUT ME I LOVED HER SO SO MUCH AND I BELIEVE SHE LOVES ME MORE THAN ANYTHING SHE GIVES UP HER LIFE WHEN WE GET BACK TOGETHER...BUT NOW IN THE LAST WEEK EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED SHE WANTS TO SETTLE DOWN AGAIN AND HAVE A FAMILY LIKE I DO AND HAVE A HUBBY THERE SO WE BROKE UP AND AGAIN IM DEPRESSED AND ANXIOUS TO THE WORST EXTENT AFTER THIS LONG I DONT KNOW HOW TO LIVE WITHOUT HER..WE HAVE SO MANY MEMORIES TOGETHER AND ITS LIKE LOOSING MY WIFE SHE KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT ME I WOULD GO TO HER HOUSE EVERYMORNING AND SEE HER OFF MEET HER FOR LUNCH THEN SEE HER FOR THIRITY MINUTES AFTER WORK...I DONT KNOW WHAT ILL DO WITHOUT HER I CANT LEAVE MY WIFE AND KIDS MY WIFE IS ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMEN AROUND BUT THE SPARK IS GONE...SO WHAT DO I DO TO COPE I KNOW SHE WILL WANT BACK AFTER SHE THINKS ABOUT IT BUT I TOLD HER I CANT THIS TIME NO WAY I CANT KEEP TAKING HER BACK...I WORRY ABOUT HER I WAS HER FINANCIAL SUPPORT WE ACTED LIKE HUSBAND AND WIFE...EVERYTHING ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP WAS AWSOME ESP.THE SEX WHEN WE WERE GETTING ALONG SHE TOOK SUCH GOOD CARE OF ME...IM A LITTLE BITTER BUT I LOVE HER..SO SHOULD I NEVER SPEAK TO HER AGAIN OR CHECK IN TO SEE IF SHE OK OR TRY TO GET HER BACK BEFORE I START TO HEAL I DONT KNOW...I JUST KNOW I HURT CAN YOU EVER GET OVER SOMETHING LIKE THIS I SURE HOPE SO...I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU GUYS ....

Why are YOU the one who is hurting? Because you lost someone who doesnt want to be second best anymore? I ask this with complete sincerety. This OW of yours just wants to have a normal life. Something that obviously you arent willing to give her. It sounds to me like she has no control over where your relationship goes due to the fact that you ARE married. Can you blame her for wanting that? If you guys have been together this long, and you love her like you say you do and she loves you, then it is normal for her to want the family and hubby. You cant just buy her to keep her there.
You are hurting because of rejection. You are hurting because the woman you love can not and does not want to be put on the back burner. You are asking her to stay in a relationship with you under YOUR terms and conditions, meanwhile, everything that she needs from you, you are neglecting. My thoughts are that if you are choosing to stay with your wife and you dont want a life with your OW, then let her go. Tell her the truth and let her go. Do not keep telling her you love her, do not keep telling her that you cant live without her, because you DO live without her DAILY when you choose to go home to your wife. I dont see that your OW has done anything wrong, I see that she wants more than you are willing to sacrafice for her... so I ask you just exactly how much you do love her? How can you love her like that and be more concerned with how she is hurting you when you have it all... vs how she is hurting having basically nothing. The car and house and flowers and jewelry and a few hours a day are NOTHING compared to having the person themselves when you love someone like that.
She went from man to man to try to get you to be with her. She doesnt want those other men or else she would have been happy to leave you alone and move on with her life. What she wants is you. So if it hurts you that she is tired of being second best or even 3rd in your life then maybe you need to decide what to do that is best for her and for you.
Best Wishes
H2H
William, you are TORTURING this poor woman whom you claim to love. Absolutely torturing her. Please, please stop it.
I know you are struggling, I know that it hurts to end an A -- believe me!!!! But also believe me when I say, if you really TRY to let go and move on with your life, you will get over this pain. It does take time and it does take effort, but if you try, you can get there. I have!
Hi there! I have to agree pretty much with these ladies. If you really love this woman, let her go, free and clear. Make no demands, no check ups, and no payments. No contact. Take the advice of manyoithers here about rebuilding the marriage and reigniting the spark. It does happen.
I understand that you are afraid for her making a rushed decision just because she needs financial help. I see it differently. I see that she has depended on you for three years and now it's time for her to depend on herself. She is young and while she thinks she wants that permanency of marriage and family, I think it is quite possible that she is reaching out for you in any way she can. I get that she is unhealthily dependent on you.
How do I get that? It's a big BTDT for me. A BTDT that lead me to more than one abusive marriage, but eventually made me a stronger woman had I done otherwise.
Walk away from this woman. Give her the chance to grow up and stand on her own. She doesn't need you as a father figure protecting her and bailing her out. Let her grow up.
~Chris~<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
Try reading my post entitled
Getting over it? re Dear Prudie