How can I stop wanting to be with my MM
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How can I stop wanting to be with my MM
| Mon, 11-01-2004 - 4:26pm |
Every emotion is cursing through me - every waking moment. I feel mad and angry at him and sometimes I think that maybe he just didnt care as much as he said....and then I am upset because I saw just how much pain and stress the double life did to him - and then I feel like I was regected at times. I feel depressed and hurt - because I want to do the right thing and have both of us be free to be together, but he says that he cant even think about that when he does not even know how to get his W to the right place to accept filing for the Divorce (she is not wanting it and does not want him to be happy - I know her very well, and she is hurting just like me but only because she does not want to be alone). I dont feel guilty - He does, but only because he is one of my H's best friends. I dont cry anymore - I just am......vacant. When we broke NC last Thursday night I we were both talking like the friends we had been for 8 years - honest and caring....we know we had done such a bad thing to our spouses, friends, family and to ourselves.........but I can tell how much emotion he has for me.......and I wish that I had a guarenty of a future - but in my heart after going out with most of our friends on Saturday night (OM and his W, and 2 other couples were out of town for work) I stepped back and thought - a year from now.....if we were D and started to go out publicly...how would we survive the shock of our friends.....and would it kill our relationship from losing childhood friends?
OM, friend, and my H went to a football game yesterday - OM got back into town that morning and I left my house before they all met up to go........I did not want to see his face and feel worse......and now.......I am still wondering if I am going to get my one phone call today........the NC is just not possible in our situation...(ok - the phone call should stop).....so I feel like for the rest of my time while I am still married....I am going to have to see my OM.....
Maybe I am on the wrong board.....I dont want the affair..........I want a real relationship.......so how do I get past this.......he says that he feels torn - wants to be with me but it is wrong.........
Its not like I can say hurry up and do the right thing - his W is really unstable - REALLY unstable.
Should I look at it from the point of view that he does have morals and wants to correct the wrong we have done by stopping the A and dealing with our current situations........and of course no one really knows the future right...he has made it clear that he wants to be with me - but he is having a hard time dealing with everything in his life - so how can he think about months from now.....
Am I going though normal emotions caused by an A? And does it make it worse that he and I and everyone else involved are such close friends?
I sometimes cant take the pain I feel.
I wish that I could just get a D and move away - start fresh - but that is running away -
Am I just living in the fantasy of a happy ending - that could take god knows how long? And if ever.........
or was I just a fool....
or am I just selfish........
OM, friend, and my H went to a football game yesterday - OM got back into town that morning and I left my house before they all met up to go........I did not want to see his face and feel worse......and now.......I am still wondering if I am going to get my one phone call today........the NC is just not possible in our situation...(ok - the phone call should stop).....so I feel like for the rest of my time while I am still married....I am going to have to see my OM.....
Maybe I am on the wrong board.....I dont want the affair..........I want a real relationship.......so how do I get past this.......he says that he feels torn - wants to be with me but it is wrong.........
Its not like I can say hurry up and do the right thing - his W is really unstable - REALLY unstable.
Should I look at it from the point of view that he does have morals and wants to correct the wrong we have done by stopping the A and dealing with our current situations........and of course no one really knows the future right...he has made it clear that he wants to be with me - but he is having a hard time dealing with everything in his life - so how can he think about months from now.....
Am I going though normal emotions caused by an A? And does it make it worse that he and I and everyone else involved are such close friends?
I sometimes cant take the pain I feel.
I wish that I could just get a D and move away - start fresh - but that is running away -
Am I just living in the fantasy of a happy ending - that could take god knows how long? And if ever.........
or was I just a fool....
or am I just selfish........

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Yep. Ignore MM's words. What is it his actions are telling you?
Fact of the matter is that MM is right where he wants to be. MM's choice is not to rock the boat and to remain tucked up safe and snug and warm right there in the matrimonial home.
How much more time will you waste on someone who is happy to keep you right where you are, on the sidelines?
Accept the above and move on. What's that old saying? `If you love something set it free, if it doesn't come back to you, it was never really yours.'
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
MM knows how to get off his fence and it seems he has done so and chosen to remain married.
I forget if you have filed for divorce and have moved out of your marriage because no matter what MM chooses you know in your heart your marriage is over.
If you have filed and you are moving on with your life, there is always the possibility xMM will change his mind and leave his marriage, get a divorce and find you. And maybe you'll still be single. That's what happened to me and my xOW. It's a very, very rare occurrence.
My point is that regardless of what MM does, you need to evaluate and act on your marriage for
Only time will tell what your outcome will be. For now a good and fresh start for you sounds like what you need. Time alone is what I personally would do in your situation, only to get to know what I need, clear thoughts and a fresh start. If its meant to be it will. It looks like he has a full plate when it comes to his W.
Good Luck
Wishing the best....
Ladybug